To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

[Liesmorelies]

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

Jesus, the fucking snobbery on this thread!

Completely normal to be a grandparent in your 40’s in my circle. My parents and most of their friends were grandparents by 45

Omg.

I'm 51. With a 14 year old and a 9 year old
My best friend (52) has 2 kids, both in their 30s, and her eldest grandchild is older than my eldest.

I think we're at both edges of 'normal'. Most are somewhere in between.

But at the same time, I think asking people under 50 are they grandparents, is a bit much...

Just because you've got good skin and no grey hair doesn't mean you're not old enough to be a grandmother. I've just turned 38 and my eldest is 21 so that makes me old enough to be a grandmother. People assume I'm a few years younger than my age when they first meet me too. It's not an insult.

You’re being ridiculously over sensitive. She was making conversation. It’s a perfectly normal and acceptable question to ask someone of your age.

God. As long as I didn't live next door to any of the snobby twats on here I wouldn't care if the area was classed as 'rough'

You’re being a bit silly. I have a teenage DS and a 13yr old grandson. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it's unusual in this day and age when women are having babies later in life eg 30+ but teenage pregnancies happened in the 80s/90s so not too far a stretch of the imagination. Depends what circles you mix in really. I'm late 40s, my friends are early 50s we all have teenage children and would be horrified to become grandmother's any time soon!

As a pp said, it is NOT unusual at all for someone of 49 to have grandchildren. Far rarer for someone to become a first time parent at 45 like some Mumsnetters would have you believe!

The birth rate among women in their 40s has been higher than for teenagers for years now. The average age of a first time mother in the UK is 31. So it isn't really that average to be a grandmother at 49.

Ah right. So you're not allowed to call out cuntish comments on mn anymore. Noted 🙄

I'd probably be a bit taken back.
I don't think I'd assume that you were a young DGM at 49.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway
By looking younger, I meant maybe 45, not 25, or even 35! I'm not delusional but because I wouldn't ask about grandchildren unless I knew someone was in their 60s at least it made me think that rather than looking a couple of years younger than I am I actually look 10 years older! My dm is 80 and when I told my dc that a few months ago they were stunned as she does look a lot younger than their other dgm, who is a similar age. By this I mean dm looks nearer to 70 than 80, not that she passes for 40. I suppose I do hope I take after her!

I was actually asked this last night (mid 50s) but I said "no, but then I haven't got any kids!" I wasn't offended at all. Just let her talk about her new grandson.

Really? Well I went to a private school, home owning parents, lived in a nice area and was still a grandmother at 37

A geriatric pregnancy is classed as a pregnancy in older women, someone who is over 35. So anyone who had kids after 35 then yup you are classed as old in terms of biology. It is well known that the age of pregnancy is increasing, average age in 1980 was 22 compared to 24 in 2000. And for those commenting on the type of background of women who had kids young, the Queen was 22 when she had Charles.

@Liesmorelies i'm the same age - that would freak me out hugely

The latest babies in my family happened when the mothers were 51 and 52. I'm continually amazed that women forget how late they can get pregnant.

Anyway, I don't have children either. My last boyfriend was a lot younger than me. I would be absolutely beyond horrified if someone asked me this.

I know MN hate it when people say they look younger but it's often the case that different racial backgrounds age at different rates and I do look younger. If you also look younger, I can imagine you'd be horrified.

In social circle and professional circle, many women had babies around 40. This is just not within my normal at all.

Because all the middle class are old when they have kids right?

I agree. It's rather different

Just proves money can’t buy you class.

@Wishingplenty
It really isn't unless your from a rough area!

Wow, just wow.
So rude.
Many mc young women in their 20's are having DC married and focused.
Sadly many who wait to settle into their 30's miss out on meeting someone, run into fertility problems.
It's a middle class myth to wait until you're 37.
There is nothing wrong with having children young, the stigma is ridiculous and causes many young women to miss opportunities, if they want a family.

Apparently only common if you’re from a rough estate.

Given I wasn’t far off 42 and her dad was 46 when DD was born I’d piss myself laughing if anyone asked me if I was a grandparent- DD is in Reception.

In my circles no-one is a grandparent in the 40’s or 50’s, first babies are born at 35+. My parents were 70 when they became grandparents and they weren’t considered old.

@Liesmorelies I’d definitely think it was an odd comment to make. I’m almost 48 and have never been asked if I am a grandparent. The only people I know that are, are the stereotypical types that left school at 16 and still live in the same city in social housing. Not those that went to uni and have careers.

And also, if you're going to try and insult a whole group of people, at least use the correct words.

Same here (fellow Arsenal fan!). My grandparents are millionaires, we holidayed abroad as children, every generation has owned their homes, my sister and I are both professionals in well respected professions earning very high salaries. My nan was 38 when I was born, my great nan was 55 when I was born (she became a great great nan when my DS was born). No rough areas, benefits etc here.

This makes me feel better about my reduced social life

having listened to people talk about their children, hung out with said children, played with said children, and then they vanished anyway... I hadn't thought that far ahead, that one day people will be waffling on about their grandchildren. I'm pretty sure that didn't happen to parents until they were about 70.

on reflection, I did know one couple who had a baby in their 20s but they fell out of the social circle very quickly (their choice)