To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

[Liesmorelies]

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

I remember someone asking that when my kids were 6 and 8 and I was 39! I was a bit surprised (and it hurt my ego totally) but in the end thought it was probably a conversational thing. I guess some people are grandmothers at 39.

I don’t think it’s the same as asking if you’re pregnant at all.

But that does sound very odd of your colleague. You’re younger than me and no one has ever asked if I have grandchildren, even though technically I could be if you didn’t know the age of DD. Agree that it’s not the norm, at least not in my world.

You honestly think it’s fair to have a child in your late 40s? Say 48. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Menopause is there for a reason.

To paraphrase an old fashioned joke: grandparents are like vegans they always let you know..!
Generally being a proud granny or grandad comes up within the first 20 seconds.

But still an increased chance? Yes, so I’m right. My opinion though isn’t it. Sure plenty of people think the same.

I do think that’s young to have grandkids these days. I’m 49 and me and my peers have school aged kids .. of course that’s not representative of society but think any of us would be shocked at the grandkids question! It’s a bit of an odd question unless the asker knows the dc are fully grown up and settled. It’s not the first thing you’d ask, is it?

I wouldn’t be offended but I’d think the person had poor social skills to have somehow deduced your dc were adult.

Where did I voice that opinion?
Your claim was it was irresponsible to have a child post 35.
Thats a hell of a leap to the assertion we should all wait to 48 to reproduce.

Definitely depends on your demographic.

Never met anyone who was a grandma at 49 apart from a gardener in the village. Her daughter who isn't yet 30 has 4 DC from 3 different fathers , make of that what you will ...

My mam had me at 25, married, v comfortable upbringing (own house, 2 cars, abroad hols every year). I had my DS at 25 by accident, unmarried and v skint (rented flat, one car, camping hols). Mam looks amazing for her age, at 50 she easily looked much younger. She was a loud and proud grandma.
However, I'm now 35 and I have friends having their first baby now.
Families come in all shapes and sizes. I don't think any of it is offensive.

None of my friends were grandparents at 49, I think that’s really young.
I understand op. An ex work colleague, who was renowned for being blunt, asked me if I had grandchildren once and I was taken aback. I didn’t have grandchildren.
None of my other work colleagues have ever asked that.
Some people aren’t very tactful.

I didn’t miss the point. As you can see from the comments not all people who had children in their 20s are from a rough council estate or still live there now. Did op say how old her kids were?

@Liesmorelies op you didn’t say how old your children are by the way.

You have missed the point again . In the Op's circle...... and I didn't mention council estates.

My ex husband at age 45 got asked if our 3 kids were his grandkids. They were 8, 5 and 2. I was 14 yrs younger than him and somehow assumed I was his oldest son's girlfriend/wife. He had 2 older sons 22 and 15, he was not happy but I was them think I could get a younger man.😀

You sound lovely

Where on earth are all of these grandparents in their 40's? I've never met anyone under late 50's who was a grandparent. In my area, having a first baby in early 40's is incredibly common. I would assume a woman in her 40's with a baby/child was the Mum rather than the Grandma. I would assume that either the Mum or the Grandma or both had their babies at a ridiculously young age.

I don’t ask people if they have children either.
It is rude and you have no idea what they might be going through. I’m sure they will let you know if they do have children if they want to tell you.

I got asked if DS1 was my grandson when I was 34! I was obviously looking haggard that day.

I'm not saying it's a good thing that most people I know have had dc in their 30/40's, it's just how it is. Demographics make a difference, they just do

I don't understand how people don't know a range of women of different ages becoming mums and grandma's 😅

I have friends who have had babies from 17 to friends having babies at 34. Some of their parents became grandparents in their early 40's, others became grandparents in their 50's and 60.

One of my friends is 42 with a 26, 11, 5 year olds. Another friend is 33 with a 17 year old. Another is 34 with a newborn. Another is 37 with a 20 year old.

Didn’t use the word irresponsible. I said it was much safer to have children under 35. 35, as this is the age risk factor and age given to older women who are pregnant. I didn’t just make that number up, this age is used within the NHS to determine if there will be risks. I said waiting until you’re late 30s increases the chance of risk, which it does. So all fact. I said it was selfish to have kids later, yes, that’s my opinion.

Babes I haven’t 😂You need to read that again 🤫

I suggest you ensure you don’t have a child post 35 and leave everyone else to live their life as they see fit.

Right - DS’s best friend is 8, and has an uncle aged 4. His nan had 6 kids over 30-odd years (starting as a teenager, last one in her 40s), and then his mum had him in her mid 20s.

It really is unusual in certain social circles - and it sounds like this is the case for OP.

In my social circle, no one has had kids before their mid to late thirties, and thus people in their late forties are parents of tweens and early teens, certainly not grandparents.