To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

[Liesmorelies]

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

You are ignorant. It is entirely possible to have all kinds of differernt approaches even to professional life. I know women who chose to have kids first before beginning to work in a profession - this actually a very effective strategy if someone is in a secure relationship at the right age.

Equally, I know people who chose to have children while at the same time getting their professional qualifications and starting their career.

In the end though, none of it matters to the OPs question.

It does not matter if it's less common now, in her circles, have have a grandchild at 49.

It doesn't matter that many women at 49 may have youngish kids (and that has always been the case btw even when many would also have been grandparents.)

That does not make it an "offensive" question.

It doesn't suggest she looks older than her age, so that isn't offensive.

It doesn't suggest she is unambitious - again, not offensive.

It doesn't suggest her kids are skanky and lack care about contraception. So not offensive.

All it suggests is that the person she is speaking to is aware she is 49 and knows a fair number of people may have grandkids at that age.

So what exactly is "offensive" supposed to mean here?

Asking if people have children is like talking about the weather, it's such a non-issue. Must people be offended about everything?

It's not that deep, it just bring different subjects to the conversation.

Because the word “granny” conjures up an image of a really old person with grey hair knitting beside the fire for me
and that's you projecting, it has nothing to do with the person you are actually talking to.

Maybe the OP does give granny vibes, and talks about hobbies and interests that are more "granny" than she thought

Just reflecting on my terrible life choices and wishing I'd been like you

Sorry but I feel how I feel. Just because you feel different to me doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me and I am projecting. Just google granny stock photo.. and you will see what society’s image of a granny is. No one should feel insulted by being told they look older but unfortunately that’s the way our society is, especially for women.

As someone who has had a horrible late miscarriage among other issues I just wouldn’t dream of asking someone if they have kids, I wait for it to come up in conversation naturally.

i didn’t say having kids in your 20s is bad I said I can see the advantages but it’s not possible for everyone due to circumstances. I don’t know why you feel so triggered by that. And I’m not 47 I’m not even 40 yet.

I never ask people if they have children. I allow it to arise naturally in the conversation. I know at least two women who had stillbirths or some women can't have kids. It's no big deal that I don't know if someone is a mother/grandmother. There are other topics of conversation.

I almost slipped up and would of really offended someone once. I had my first child at 16 and when they were about 5 they made friends with another 5 year old at the park. I was 100% sure he was with his grandma, she looked three times my age. Thank god I heard her son call her mum before I asked her about her grandchild

Yes I think it really depends on where you live. I am an empty-nester at 52 and my same-aged friends have kids aged 13. Makes me feel grown-up ;-)

what is wrong is that you are taking everything personally, and you have a lot of feelings about innocent subject.

Asking people if they have children is normal. They are not asking you if you WANT them, if you are trying, if you like kids, if you hate kids, they don't even care. It's small talk. No one is asking for your life story if you don't want to share it.

If nothing else, much better to ask and if the answer is no, to stay well away from talking or mentioning about your own kids. And I say that as someone who had an angel baby.

You are also the one translating "have you got grand-kids" as "are you a granny". At worst, it's an odd question. I can't' imagine being anything other than puzzled if anyone asked me - and biologically I absolutely could be one, but offended?

I’m just saying that I can understand why the op felt insulted. No need to read so deeply into it. I wouldn’t ask someone if they were a parent or a grandparent. That’s just how I feel. It’s not something I think about all the time I’m just making conversation on this thread. Everyone is different . You can’t seem to grasp that.
furthermore I thought that if you have grand kids you are either a granny or a grandad but perhaps I’m incorrect

I grasp that you have feelings, my point is that's it's such a common small talk topic, it's weird to take it personally. Again, it's like talking about the weather.

As it's a question that comes back pretty much everytime you meet someone and speak about anything else than strictly work subject, it's strange to be bothered about it - it must be exhausting.

It's like being asked "what do you do". Unless the last one is asked in a strict work environment, then you have problem 😂

It doesn’t where I work. People don’t ask out right. It always comes up naturally in conversation anyway. I’m not bothered , I just don’t do it. Please stop making assumptions about me. Thanks.

I am not making assumptions, I am just replying to your posts!

You are the ones talking about how "you feel" and "society's images of a granny".

You are saying “it must be exhausting to be so bothered” I’m neither exhausted nor bothered. I simply don’t do it myself. And yes society’s image of a granny of course contributes to people feeling insulted when asked if they are one in middle age. Even though we all know it’s biologically possible we aren’t thick. I don’t get why you are annoyed by me saying that I’m not making any personal remarks against you in saying so.

You seem bothered

So do you. Very much so. And triggered.your big long post ranting about stereotypes of young mothers sounded unhinged frankly.

Speak for the only men you know, I'm in my twenties now and me and my man had our first child in our 10s. My brother's are in their twenties and also want kids. It's more common than you think just got to get out there meeting people

I know. That’s why I said “for some of us” . I’m not speaking for all the men everyone knows. I just find it really smug when young mums criticise older ones for waiting when it’s not always our decision to control.

"Some" young mums.

No smugness towards mother's of any age here. My own mother had me at 40 and my sibling at 17 with no children in between.

although as a very young mum I did have people making nasty assumptions like all my kids have different dads I'm jobless on benefits etc so maybe those young mums that criticise older ones are giving out the smugness they feel they receive. Not that two wrongs make a right

No one is criticising you, you're just taking it to personally

no one is criticising you either. I don’t know why you felt the need to send me a barrage of insults about young mums when I never said any of that stuff . You shouldn’t take things so personally.

You said everyone having kids in their 20s is an unplanned pregnancy and aren't ready. Just because you're taking longer to settle down and get established in life does not mean children born to adult women in their 20s are an accident. You seem to have this perception of groups of people that all grandma's are little old ladies with grey hair who like to knit and that all 20 something year olds that are having children are chavs living on council estates

Wow Ive been reading the thread backwards so haven't seen this yet but how rude 😔 why do they do this and always act like it's ok even though they wouldn't dare do it about any other group of people. If they think that about mums in their 20s you can only begin to imagine what they think about mums in their 10s.

I never said that. You are actually imagining things. Maybe that’s your own perception of younger mums but it’s certainly not mine.