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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

610 replies

Liesmorelies · 31/05/2025 20:38

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

OP posts:
Catinthereallysmallhat · 02/06/2025 06:05

Liesmorelies · 02/06/2025 05:41

For God's sake - missing the point again! Of course I don't look 33 and nothing I ever said indicates that I think I do. In fact, I specifically said a number of times that I don't think that at all. The point is it's a nasty, dismissive, mocking comment that ignores the points I did make and frames me as a delusional idiot who stupidly believes she looks 15 years younger than she is.

In fact, I thought I maybe looked mid-40s rather than 50ish and I also thought that it was very unusual to be a grandparent at 49/50, which, following her comment, left me feeling I must look considerably older than I am instead of perhaps slightly younger. People have pointed out that it's difficult to determine someone's precise age and she probably just sees me as 'older' than her, and that lots of people are, in fact grandparents at 49. I see both of these points and, while they don't completely change my view that her comment was ill-advised, I do see that it may not have quite the implications I thought it did.

I think the comments about me thinking I look 30 odd are dismissive and ageist.

Show quote history

Hardly ageist saying that a nearly 50 year old doesn’t look 30. It’s fact. The real issue is that you think you don’t look as young as you think, due to the comment you got. Move on. Who cares. It’s one person’s opinion.

Iona28 · 02/06/2025 08:12

This is an excellent post. Really well written and spot. I often wonder what some people are like in RL when you see endless behaviour like this on the thread.
I am speaking as someone who had dcs late 20’s /early 30’s and is still relatively young also so no “ nerve touched “.
I’m also a teacher for many years and have never mistaken older parents as grandparents ever.. I know who the parents are and I wouldn’t dream of asking a person in their 40’s if they had grandchildren.
I literally have never come across anyone who’d ask this question to someone without asking about their actual children first. It absolutely does seem snide/ pointed comment @Liesmorelies as you have teenagers , does she think your 16 year old has children ? If I were you I’d bite back a bit , could argue being in her 30’s with tiny kids isn’t particularly young either, she’ll still have young kids going into her 40’s 🤷‍♀️
Honestly @Liesmorelies this is not a normal question to ask a person your age.

FedupofArsenalgame · 02/06/2025 08:12

SunnySideDeepDown · 02/06/2025 05:11

That would be extremely rare.

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No one said it wasn't rare did they? But it was simply the case

Iona28 · 02/06/2025 08:16

Iggilypiggily · 02/06/2025 03:13

@Catinthereallysmallhat again you make no sense. You said I should interact with people who agree with me two posts ago instead of those who disagree. I said I did. Then you said I should interact with those who disagree… I had already said I did interact with both. You being one of the ones I disagree with. If you read your comments back you contradict yourself repeatedly.

I skimmed the class comments but didn’t engage with them at the start which I alluded to ages ago and which is where you started replying to me repeatedly and arguing for young mums when I was never criticising young mums and haven’t mentioned class at all, so it isn’t relevant to any direct interaction with me. You brought it up when you said you weren’t surrounded by people having kids in their twenties as if to prove that you aren’t working class or uneducated - I never mentioned either of those things or assumed either of those things about you. And there was no point that I said I did. I assumed that you were a young mum because you were so aggressively annoyed and seemingly offended at the ageist comments from the beginning which I was not involved with or ever referring to.

Every point I have made you keep throwing out inaccurate or out dated statistics and even went as far as linking a previous thread where people state what they consider to be ‘too old to be a mum’ or something as part of your evidence that more mums are young - all opinion based. And given your responses to people on this thread I can highly suspect you didn’t read that previous thread with any accuracy at all and so quoting it is really not valid. But it is an opinion thread at the end of the day. And obviously only those who are interested in the topic or feel strongly about it will comment. So it’s not representative of the whole population. Same as your points - your opinion. And my points - my opinion. You mention research but no evidence base and no comparative studies. You also don’t seem to look for any research to support any opposing view points - that is biased. I could easily find evidence base to support my view and perspective, but that’s useless if you aren’t willing to be considering the opposing view also. Also, just to add, geriatric pregnancy is longer recognised in the NHS where you claim you work, which you should know because it’s a pretty hot topic in the NHS along with pronouns and equality language.

You have been arguing with me that I am an old mum and that I should expect that I could be viewed as a grandmother by most at the school gates as I will be outnumbered by young mums and that’s just fact and that OP is wrong and over sensitive and that everything I have said is wrong. This is also why I rationally assumed that you were a younger first time mum as you view my age as older maternally according to your responses. But then you turn around and start referencing all your friends in their late thirties who are new mums and can’t get back into work? Make it make sense.

You are also largely interacting with those who disagree with you - so I think you are describing yourself in your most recent post. You are arguing with anyone who states anything of an opposing view point and only once have you taken on the perspective of some one with an opposing view point and it was half hearted and unrelated to the topic. I have validated your view and opposing views of others repeatedly but still offered my own experience - I’ve never said I was right I’ve only ever offered a different opinion. You have never done that with anyone. You just keep harping on about your own and being cantankerous. Nothing you have said has furthered the discussion at all, whereas other people who have a different view point have. I have also, if you actually read my posts, agreed with some things and disagreed with others who have a different opinion to me. I also agree with the OP but offered a different perspective.

Your read as antagonistic and contrary and accusatory which makes it seem quite like you are the person who just enjoys arguing for the sake of it. So I hope I’ve given you a little kick tonight and it has brightened up your Monday morning. It also isn’t my responsibility to understand your posts if the sentences don’t make sense, unfortunately. You can’t write a letter to a patient and then tell them it’s their responsibility to figure it out if the sentences aren’t in order or intelligible, and the same applies here.

Also your most recent response to OonaStubs; yes it can be very rude. If you know anyone who has had miscarriages or struggles with infertility you should know that. It’s being considerate. I hope that’s not something you have ever had to experience but it is kind to be considerate of others who have who might cry at the mention of the question and be embarrassed. I don’t find it rude to ask but I know people who have been broken by being repeatedly asked it and so it’s a question I avoid. People tend to mention their kids if they have them and that’s a good time to start talking about them. Again, working in the NHS I thought you might have had to develop some compassion in use of language?? Particularly in the workplace where OPs original question was asked.

You can’t argue with irrational, and so I won’t any longer. And while you having a different perspective to me isn’t irrational, your way of expressing it does seem to be. It’s reactive and defensive and seems meant to provoke rather to be engaging. I’ll leave you to continue picking your way through the thread and disagreeing. But I have actually learned something from engaging in the forum and talking to some of those who disagree with me and will take away some things, because that’s why I’m here. To be supportive to people and to learn from other people. I can’t see that you will take away anything because you’re so fiercely right to start off with. Which is a shame. Because we can all learn and do better, you included.

I meant to quote you @Iggilypiggily in my last post . Excellent and really measured response.

FedupofArsenalgame · 02/06/2025 08:17

OonaStubbs · 02/06/2025 01:29

I would say asking a middle-aged woman if they have grandchildren is rude, unless she has already disclosed that she has children that are themselves old enough that you would be able to politely ask if they have children.

The. OP does have children that are biologically old enough to have babies

babystarsandmoon · 02/06/2025 08:22

I made my parents grandparents at 42.

People get so offended over basic small talk questions.

hedgerunner · 02/06/2025 09:36

49 is not that young to be a grandparent. My mum and her sisters were all gp’s at that age. My younger sister had her dc at 20, so my mum became a gp at 48. If I’d had my dc at my sisters age my mum would’ve been 42. We’re a ‘mc’ family. My dsis was in her last year of a degree. She’s done very well and at 38 she’s waving my niece off to uni this year with predicted 3 A stars at a’level. My dsis life is fab. Her and her dh own two homes, good jobs, numerous holidays and a she’ll be celebrating her 40th with a 20 year old. She could be a granny in the next few years. I’m jealous!

OonaStubbs · 02/06/2025 17:59

A guy I went to school with was a grandfather at 34. That is very unusual but being a grandparent at 49 is not.

Sausagenbacon · 02/06/2025 18:04

Well I'm mid 60s, and have several dearly-loved gc.
Do I want to talk about them to others? No.
I've had people who start conversation that way - obviously they think I'm so boring that's all they can think of.

SunnySideDeepDown · 02/06/2025 19:01

FedupofArsenalgame · 02/06/2025 08:12

No one said it wasn't rare did they? But it was simply the case

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But it’s a pretty useless case to cite if it’s extremely rare.

SunnySideDeepDown · 02/06/2025 19:03

Sausagenbacon · 02/06/2025 18:04

Well I'm mid 60s, and have several dearly-loved gc.
Do I want to talk about them to others? No.
I've had people who start conversation that way - obviously they think I'm so boring that's all they can think of.

I doubt they think you’re boring, they probably think you’re normal and like talking about loved ones. It’s an easy conversation starter. Seems it’s true that with age grows cynicism 😜

Trendyname · 02/06/2025 23:15

FedupofArsenalgame · 01/06/2025 13:51

Why does it have to be a female child? Are the children of her sons not counted as grandchildren.?

So person 1 has a son st 24. Son at 25 is married to a woman of 30. They have a child. Person 1 a grandmother at 49

Show quote history

Yes all sort of combinations are possible. You can even be a great grandmother by that age. I mention female child becaue statistically women are younger than men when they have first child. Of course op's son at 18 may already have a child by now.

But I think if we put things in context this whole thread is because op felt her colleguw implied she looks old enough to be a grandmother. And she arrived at this conclusion because colleague didn't ask anything about her children. Now op is at an age where some women are grandmother's, some are not. If she was 60, perhaps she would have not felt strongly about the comment. Another poster has commented on me be being certain kind of person based on my post. I just don't understand why so many posters here take things personally and lack empathy to keep the focus on the person who has posted here as she is feeling bad.
Of course you can also be a career woman/ man after having kids before 20s but it is much more harder once you have additional responsibility and that's why statistics matter.

Trendyname · 02/06/2025 23:28

feelingbleh · 01/06/2025 13:03

Seriously really think about what you have written do you honestly think what you have written is acceptable. Is this the sort of person you want to be?

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I think my comment about family of unambitious women offended you. I did npt mean in harsh ways. There is nothing wrong in being non ambitious. But my assumption was op is in a professional job and her colleague clearly was being rude or at least thoughtless to jump to grandchildren when she didnt even ask about her children.
Most women who had kids early either theu wanted soon, or it was because of circumstances. If it was due to circumstances and she indeed is a career woman, she would instill that value in her children. So for 2 generations to have such early children in current times, when there are far more options to build career unlike 30 or even 20 years ago, either it is a coincidence or most likely that they do not place value in finishing education, training first before planning a child. Sorry if I sound judgemental but I also dont think it's appropriate for you to imply I am not a good person when you know nothing about me, when most people have judged others at some point or the other. If anything I was being supportive to op who felt she was made to feel older.

Trendyname · 02/06/2025 23:32

FedupofArsenalgame · 01/06/2025 13:03

What is ambitious though? And do all women have the same ambitions?

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I meant career wise as my focus eas on op's situation who seems to be a professional.

All women don't have to have same ambitions. It's perfectly alright to not want to have a career or raising your family being your purpose. But my implication was op is not that, so her colleague seems to be thoughtless to her. As many of you were being rude to her.

britinnyc · 02/06/2025 23:32

This is very dependent on where you live and your social circles. I am about to turn 50 and don’t know anyone my age who is a grandparent. Most have junior school age kids or don’t have kids at all. No one has ever asked if I have a grandchild and, not going to lie, I would be very upset and offended if someone did even though I know it can be normal

Trendyname · 02/06/2025 23:40

FedupofArsenalgame · 02/06/2025 08:17

The. OP does have children that are biologically old enough to have babies

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Biologically it's possible le to have a child at even 14 but it's not that common.
Also a woman, who had her own kids at late 20s, asking op if her 16 year old and 18 year old have children is quite strange.

britinnyc · 02/06/2025 23:42

Also in my world asking anyone if they have kids or grandkids is a big no, wait for people to bring this stuff up as asking can put them in an uncomfortable position

cardboardvillage · 03/06/2025 06:50

Why didnt she ask if you have kids ?

odd choice of question . Clumsily worded

NYSea · 03/06/2025 08:01

Iona28 · 01/06/2025 17:39

Also people who say “oh have I touched a nerve?” are generally arseholes in RL but wouldn’t dream about behaving in RL the way they do here.

I agree with this. It’s such a childish rejoinder.

NYSea · 03/06/2025 08:11

onthewineagain · 01/06/2025 20:29

thats really unusual in my circles.

People tend to become parents in their 30s and grandparents in their 60s.

so if its not the norm in OP’s workplace, which she says its not, I can see why she would be offended.

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I feel like a teen mum with my friends as I had my first baby age 30. All my friends and colleagues did not have children until their mid to late 30s. None of them are grandparents so far and we are in our early 50s.

Having said that, I am 52 and would not be remotely offended if somebody asked me if I was a grandmother. Maybe I am secure with my appearance or don’t care. Who knows. I would most likely laugh if asked, and say goodness I hope not as my kids are at university!

I have to say, I would be astounded if my children and their friends had kids in their 20s as they have so many plans, none of which involve settling down. But who knows what life holds; it can be v unpredictable.

NYSea · 03/06/2025 08:23

Catinthereallysmallhat · 02/06/2025 02:06

So asking anyone if they have kids is rude then?

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I have to say, I do not ask people if they have children. They may have fertility issues or other problems in life and I don’t want to upset people.

I have a rule that I will never mention anything to do with people’s fertility or weight, unless they actively invite opinions. I would also not ask somebody if they were a grandparent for the same reason.

NYSea · 03/06/2025 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

How long did that take you to write? 🤣Literally haven’t read any of this.i scrolled straight to the bottom. Far too long and using too much energy to read some drivel I don’t care about.

I think this is the least intelligent, and most immature and dismissive comment on this thread. Very childish indeed.

NYSea · 03/06/2025 08:27

Iona28 · 02/06/2025 08:16

I meant to quote you @Iggilypiggily in my last post . Excellent and really measured response.

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Agreed.

TheIceBear · 03/06/2025 09:03

Sofiewoo · 31/05/2025 22:11

The increased chance is tiny.
To say it’s selfish is absolutely mind blowing. What a nasty comment.

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Totally agree. This poster obviously has some sort of chip on their shoulder to be making such nasty comments.

NYSea · 03/06/2025 09:14

TheIceBear · 03/06/2025 09:03

Totally agree. This poster obviously has some sort of chip on their shoulder to be making such nasty comments.

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It worrying they say they are an NHS clinician. I wonder about the level of seniority/training, given their communication style and ‘knowledge’.