To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

[Liesmorelies]

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

I know absolutely zero men who wanted kids in their 20s. They all wanted to party and travel. Everyone I know who had a kid in their 20s it was “unplanned”. You can’t just decide to have a kid in your 20s it involves meeting a partner who wants the same thing (unless you go it alone with a sperm donor).
I couldn’t have a kid in my 20s with the rental market so unstable where I live plus not having a partner who was ready for kids.
it’s not as simple as just deciding to have one for some of us.

My stepsons must be very unusual then, both of them had children in their 20s.

I know plenty. My brother, DP, some of his friends, my friends DPs. My neighbour, the house across the street, some of my mums friends DC. People I work with. In the case of the ones I'm closest with, all planned. You make is sound like it's unheard of.

It's the other way round where I live. I felt ancient having my 5th baby at 32 and I was the oldest mum on the maternity ward. There were 2 mums in their late twenties with upper primary school aged dc who were having a 3rd baby with their new partner. The rest were teenagers, including one whose mum was only a couple of years older than me. When I drop my youngest off at primary school I am one of the oldest mum's at the school gate aged 43. There is one mum who is 50 but I think I am 2nd oldest.

We are unusual too. Started ttc when I was 22 and dh was 25.

@K0OLA1D @BIossomtoes thats why I said “for some of us” at the bottom of my post. In my circle no men wanted them. In fact I had my first at 33 and that was unusual in my circle. Most of my husbands friends and their partners waited until late 30s until having their first. I have plenty of friends who had kids in their 20s (all unplanned for their first at least) and can totally see advantage to being a parent at that age but it couldn’t have worked for me at that age even if I had wanted one.

All of my circle were in college at 22. That’s great that you had stability at 22 to start trying I certainly didn’t.

Well I live in Ireland and it certainly wouldn’t be “ancient” to have a baby at 32. In fact the average is almost 32 for a first time mum never mind a fifth. the crappy housing situation here i would imagine is somewhat to blame.
https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/2022/06/02/average-age-of-first-time-mothers-rises-to-almost-32-years-cso/

All your post tells me is you don't know many people lots of people in their 20s are married have a mortgage and are well established in their career and in a position to choose to have children

Maybe where you live they are but not where I live. That’s my point. It’s annoying people criticising older mums when a lot of the time it’s outside our control. I’m not criticising younger mums, I can see the advantage but it’s just not possible for everyone.

@feelingbleh i am sure absolutely everyone you know who had kids in their 20s were married with well established careers and mortgages …

Where did I write everyone. I know a lot of people who all have very different lives. I don't just surround myself with people exactly the same as me and then assume that's normal and nobody else's life could possibly be any different

Do you understand what average means and how you get an average 🤔

Yet you think it’s ok to criticise older mums and make disgusting comments about it here. Yes i can tell you are really a person of the world, open to all kinds of people and experiences lol.

Yep I understand perfectly thanks. Just saying it’s by no means “ancient “ to have a baby at 32 here which this article backs up.

I haven't criticised older mums i just stated the fact that fertility goes down with age and risk goes up that isn't a criticism that's stating a fact.

You said why are we trying to “normalise “ it and then bringing kids with disabilities into it as well. It’s not that people are trying to normalise it. There are numerous factors to play that contribute to people having kids later. Your comment is so flippant and an over simplification of the situation.

I have read all your posts, but it's still the same.

You ARE old enough to be a grand-parent. Yes, it's not that common, half the 10yo kids around me have 50 yo parents 😂but you are being ridiculous to be "offended".
Other 50 yo have grand-children, because their own kids had them young. So what.

You look your age, big deal. Nowadays, some women are completely grey at 30, and others not a single one at 80, naturally or not! It means nothing.

It's nothing remotely similar of asking about being currently pregnant, it's like asking if you have kids at best. Then people will ask how old the kids are - they don't actually care, it's making polite conversation.

t also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide
you need to work on yourself if you take the wrong end of the stick every-time you have a conversation.

I don't understand why people think this is ok. I don't think it is. Why didn't she ask about your children?

meh, my kids schools would be half empty if women didn't have babies in their late 30s early 40s.

Having kids late is not news, women just used to have MORE kids.

Others have kids at 18 and are grand-parents at 40.

It only becomes weird when you have a last child late, when your first child has their own early, and you end up with a newborn child AND a newborn grand-child at the same time 😂

Sorry for over simplifying it, it's because I'm thick as shit as I had kids in my 20s and Jayden,kayden and okayden are distracting me while I type this and pissing about with their mcdonals instead of just eating it and I'm stressed because iv got my appointment with the social later and my council house is a shit tip and my 3rd baby dad isn't helping at all as he went out this morning to sell some gear and hasn't come back yet. I'm pretty sure he's shagging channtelle next door as her 7th kid looks just like him. I just wish I'd waited until I was 47 to have my first kid then none of this would of happened.

This happened to a friend of mine, she was pregnant at the same time as her mum. And her mum became a granny at 36! I know it does happen but I would certainly be insulted to be asked if I was a granny at that age

Erm ok. I don’t know why you felt the need to post that.

but I would certainly be insulted to be asked if I was a granny at that age

but why?

Why would you even care? "hope not, my kid is only 7yo" works well as an answer.

Because the word “granny” conjures up an image of a really old person with grey hair knitting beside the fire for me. Not a fit healthy person in their 30s, even though I’m aware plenty of grannies would meet this profile. Perhaps I shouldn’t be sensitive but I can see where the op is coming from.
anyway its pretty rude, I wouldn’t ask someone if they have children either but that’s just me.