To think I’m not in the wrong for being upset?

[TiredOTUS]

My partner went on a work night out last night. He told me this morning that one of his colleagues always makes a beeline for him on nights out and that last night she did the same and came over and sat on his knee and draped herself over him (his words not mine).

I asked what happened and he said they had a short conversation with her sitting on his lap and then he got up. When I asked why he didn’t just either stop her from sitting on him or ask her to get up immediately, he said it wasn’t a big deal, this is what happens on nights out, that he got up as soon as he could so as not to hurt her feelings and that i
me being upset is ‘fucking ridiculous’.

We both used to work together so I am still friends with most of his colleagues (I don’t know this woman) and I think he only
told me because he thought one of them might mention it to me - more in a way of Xyz and ABC were friendly last night - because nobody knows we are together.

AIBU to be upset and think this is not really ok? If he’d stopped her from sitting or asked her to immediately get up, I’d not be upset but it’s the sitting talking to her whilst she is draped over his lap that feels disrespectful.

I think it's completely understandable that you'd be upset about this. Who wouldn't? It's disrespectful coming from her if she knows he's married but even more so from him. Your main issue is him.

Why does no one know you are together?

Nobody knows you’re together but he’s your “partner”? Odd.

I’d say more likely that he’s still making his mind up

Yes, this seems like a key piece of context?

Is he actually your partner if no one knows you’re together or are you just dating?

If people at work think he’s single then he’s fair game for women to hit on if they think he’s interested. Is there a reason hasn’t told anyone, or is he keeping his options open?

Eh? Why does nobody know you’re together?

She thinks he’s single and is flirting with him and he’s not told her a) he’s not single and b) he’s not interested.

He’s a twat.

I wouldn’t like it either but he put a stop to it without causing a scene and he told you, so I don’t know what more you can expect. You’re wrong to cause ongoing drama about it.

Don't be anyone's secret. You are worth more than that.

If she thinks he’s single, she won’t have seen herself as doing anything wrong.

If you're keeping this secret it's going to blow his single man cover to leap up like he's been scalded. I suggest you decide between you if you're actually together or not, and if you are then it becomes public knowledge.

He's probably not mentioned you and is very obviously pretending to be single.
Nobody would flirt with and sit on the lap of someone with a partner?

YANBU. Ask him how would he like it if a man sat you on his lap and you didn’t immediately get up?

And who is the one who wants to keep the relationship a secret?

That’s the most concerning point

So he told you to make you jealous then called you pathetic?

What a prince.

If she thinks he is single then she has technically not done anything wrong by making a beeline for your partner. Him pushing her away straight away may have got people wondering why he has done that and may have looked a bit odd. And, like he said, he didn't want to hurt her feelings by pushing her off immediately, especially when she won't know she has done something wrong and it might make her feel rejected so he has tried to spare her feelings.

The fact he has told you about it is good though. He obviously wants to be honest with you and doesn't want you hearing things from others possibly and wants you to know that it happened.

I get that you feel upset. It is weird and no-one is going to like some woman sitting on their partners lap and flirting. But again, if she thinks he is single then this kind of thing can/might/will happen.

I wonder, like everyone else, why you are not out about your relationship and why no-one knows you are together?

If nobody knows you’re together then presumably she doesn’t either?
Having said that, I’d be hurt that he didn’t want to upset her but he thinks you’re being ridiculous for feeling upset. I’d hazard a guess that he enjoyed her on his lap

This. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

If she thinks he's single because no one knows about you relationship, she's not done anything wrong in her own mind. He's told you though. Why is your relationship secret, that's strange especially when you know the colleagues?

Does she think he is single? He can say he has a girlfriend without saying your name, but it’s a bit weird that no one knows you’re together. You’re saying partner, so long term and living together? And no one knows? Hmmm.
You need to talk about boundaries and make clear that he can’t do that with other woman and needs to stop it as soon as they approach, but maybe stop hiding this long term relationship if you really are partners. Sounds like a new boyfriend to me.

This.
I voted you are being unreasonable because as far as anyone at work is concerned he is single and available, and this is not the first time she has flirted with him. The issue isn't you being upset - the issue is why you are a secret.

He called you fucking pathetic for being upset about a valid issue and keeps you a secret?
Yeah, this one's not a keeper. He can get in the bin.

Your boyfriend sounds horrible, I mean the fact he swore at you about this tells you all you need to know about him.

Why are you a secret?