To think I’m not in the wrong for being upset?

[TiredOTUS]

My partner went on a work night out last night. He told me this morning that one of his colleagues always makes a beeline for him on nights out and that last night she did the same and came over and sat on his knee and draped herself over him (his words not mine).

I asked what happened and he said they had a short conversation with her sitting on his lap and then he got up. When I asked why he didn’t just either stop her from sitting on him or ask her to get up immediately, he said it wasn’t a big deal, this is what happens on nights out, that he got up as soon as he could so as not to hurt her feelings and that i
me being upset is ‘fucking ridiculous’.

We both used to work together so I am still friends with most of his colleagues (I don’t know this woman) and I think he only
told me because he thought one of them might mention it to me - more in a way of Xyz and ABC were friendly last night - because nobody knows we are together.

AIBU to be upset and think this is not really ok? If he’d stopped her from sitting or asked her to immediately get up, I’d not be upset but it’s the sitting talking to her whilst she is draped over his lap that feels disrespectful.

Never going to happen

Sadly I think you are right.

Sounds like he’s keeping you secret while he tests the waters for someone permanent. He won’t look like the bad guy when he dumps you if he pretends that he’s been single the whole time.

There’s absolutely no need to hide your relationship if you haven’t worked together for ten years - and if you’re friendly with the same people then the effort required to keep the secret is ridiculous.

I just read you have been together 10 years ,jesus wept !

Are you not always worried you’ll bump in to one of his colleagues when you’re together?! 10 years of secrecy is insane.

Any update OP

This is utterly bizarre.

How does this happen? The more I’m on here the more I worry for what happens to women.

Sorry for the delay in replying. We had a proper conversation about this last night. I told him exactly how I feel. He explained that he didn’t feel like he had done anything wrong - he said that he hadn’t encouraged her, and that he felt caught in the headlights somewhat. He said that he would be aware next time she approached him and have some words ready.

He has also agreed that there is no need for secrecy now.

Im not 100 percent satisfied about this but will keep my eyes open. I did tell him that I felt like he didn’t respect me or the relationship enough and that things needed to change.

So after a decade, all it took was a little chat?

My guess is that he’ll do just enough to keep her sweet…

Lets face it, the OP has put up with this utter disrespect for a decade.
Her bar isn't high, and lord doesn't he know it.

A full decade of being hidden.🙄
Only on MN!
God love her.

It is probably an open secret among some of your colleagues that you are together - people always pick up on that sort of chemistry even when you think you're being discreet. Also it is not his secret to keep, you don't need his permission to tell anyone that you are together.You could start dropping it into conversation casually when it's relevant, saying "you probably already know this anyway but in case you don't" etc. If he doesn't like it then you know it's because he likes being perceived as single.

Totally normal to be upset by this!

also not sure the reasons why but if just his choice, a bit weird no one knows you’re together! Is there a reason for the secret?

my ex never told anyone we were together and it was for all negative reasons :(

So it’s ok for him to hurt your feelings but not his colleague who keeps trying to hit on him?

He loves the attention and doesn’t want it to stop more like.

Oh hunny….

Sounds like he is your partner but you aren’t his.

Also something is going on with them. I would never sit on a colleague’s lap. And if I did not want a colleague sitting on my lap they would not be able to

I'd be more upset your mutual friends don't know he's your DP

If I'm reading this correctly he's a manager so more senior than at least some of the other people there. That means he's potentially in an awkward situation if the lap draper complains about him. He would be well advised to plan for ways to avoid that happening again from the professional-behaviour-with-colleagues perspective regardless of what agreements you two have.

It's worth thinking about whether these are the 'right' people to be going on a works night out together these days. Is he now too senior for this group? Is it ok with this group but a bit weird if new, younger, junior people are invited to join? Does it need to become a properly unofficial night out?

In that case it's time for him to tell everyone he's with you, simples! Xxx

A married woman sitting on a colleague' knee at work, whether the man is in a relationship or not, is totally inappropriate. He should tell her to get off, aren't supposed to be working not acting like teenagers. At least he told you about it, you have not heard it from someone else.

How on earth are your old colleagues going to feel, knowing you’ve both hidden your relationship for a decade?! I couldn’t keep news like that to myself for ten days, never mind years.

Utterly bananas, OP. Normally, I try to see the other side but this behaviour is just completely crazy!

Would he mind if you said in another man’s knee?

As a first step, I would get him to ‘friend’ you on FB and update his relationship status. Make the posts open to all.

I’m not one for posting everything on social media but it would be interesting for you to see how he responds to that suggestion.

Sounds like for some reason he wants to make you feel jealous or elevate his own desirability in your eyes?
Why is he not telling his colleagues that he’s with you?
And why does he allow other women to sit on his lap?
Would he like it if you sat on another man’s lap?
He definitely sounds disrespectful and petty. I’d dump him…