To think I’m not in the wrong for being upset?

[TiredOTUS]

My partner went on a work night out last night. He told me this morning that one of his colleagues always makes a beeline for him on nights out and that last night she did the same and came over and sat on his knee and draped herself over him (his words not mine).

I asked what happened and he said they had a short conversation with her sitting on his lap and then he got up. When I asked why he didn’t just either stop her from sitting on him or ask her to get up immediately, he said it wasn’t a big deal, this is what happens on nights out, that he got up as soon as he could so as not to hurt her feelings and that i
me being upset is ‘fucking ridiculous’.

We both used to work together so I am still friends with most of his colleagues (I don’t know this woman) and I think he only
told me because he thought one of them might mention it to me - more in a way of Xyz and ABC were friendly last night - because nobody knows we are together.

AIBU to be upset and think this is not really ok? If he’d stopped her from sitting or asked her to immediately get up, I’d not be upset but it’s the sitting talking to her whilst she is draped over his lap that feels disrespectful.

Is he going to make you Facebook official? I bet not. This is such a crazy situation.

If you had to be kept a secret for outward appearances for ten years it does seem a bit rich that he is worried about offending someone who is sitting on his lap and draping herself over him at a work social That would obviously trigger you as He has been managing your situation in secrecy but couldn’t manage this advance . I think he is enjoying hierarchy here even at home he gets the perks of the power imbalance he is managing you even still at home because he is setting the parameters and he is filtering information to you and about you. He doesn’t get to be your manager at home or your relationship. He doesn’t get to flaunt his position at work nights either he can get off his high horse. If you don’t think he enjoys striking a power imbalance ask yourself who made him the decision maker of what your relationship status is after a decade of co habitation. Either you elect to manage him at home and that filters down to nights out with the appropriate boundaries enforced out of respect for his partner . There will be very senior men who would be terrified of any inappropriate behaviour and he needs to get out of his grey area and decide if he is impositioning you with huge sacrifice perhaps he could consider outward appearances on one work night out as you remained secret at his request for a decade. I am outraged on your behalf that he manoeuvred you like this he is indeed still your manager even though you left the workplace ages ago

But how would his team ever meet you to say anything in passing? They don't know you're with him.

There's no way they have mutual friends for up to 10 years and they don't know they're a couple.

He’s a cheater op it’s very obvious. He clearly flirts with female colleagues, probably more in his cosy little corners.

If you want to be blind to that, then it’s on you. At least you’re not dragging kids into this.

I’d be making his life a misery 🤣

Im just imagining these colleagues faces when they drop the bomb that they are in a relationship.. and not only that, but also they've been in said relationship for 10 YEARS.... weird. I'd also address the "he wont have me on Facebook as a friend" thing personally 🚩🚩

This switching it round analogy doesn’t work, because of those crucial words ‘when it’s clear she’s not interested’. It may well have been not at all clear that OP’s partner wasn’t interested.

You can see all OP’s posts by going to the first one and clicking ‘see all’.

I can only go on what the op said though none of us really know what happened but if he is telling the truth it's not on at all!

WHAT? He’s having affairs I’m afraid.. no good reason not to be friends on FB with your partner of 10 years!!

So he’s kept you secret because seeing you was inappropriate ?? How appropriate is it for a manager to allow a staff member he isn’t dating to sit on his lap at a works do? He’s walking into dodgy territory isn’t he?!…. Allowing hee to sit on his lap will have started off all the office gossipers, ‘ooh did you see Sue & Derek last night?? She was sat on his knee for ages.. something must be going on” etc!!
or she’ll now assume he’s interested as he let her perch on his knee and advance to trying to kiss him or pinch his bum when he’s at the coffee machine…
He needs to stop this immediately before she files a complaint that he’s led her on or something.

I’d text your friends that work there still, tell them your dating and tell them he’d told you about this woman sitting on his lap… i woii U.K. ld be asking around to see if there’s any rumours of affairs… it’s odd for a man to allow a woman he’s not seeing to just sit on his lap….

Exactly was married 23 yr and never friends with my ex on fb his choice

I actually don't know if I'd be advertising any relationship with him to anyone.

If I heard this from someone I would mortified and cringing for them, that they clearly have so little self esteem to have accepted so little from this twat for a DECADE.....

This is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read. He won’t add you on Facebook? Ten years?!! I’m speechless.