To think I’m not in the wrong for being upset?

[TiredOTUS]

My partner went on a work night out last night. He told me this morning that one of his colleagues always makes a beeline for him on nights out and that last night she did the same and came over and sat on his knee and draped herself over him (his words not mine).

I asked what happened and he said they had a short conversation with her sitting on his lap and then he got up. When I asked why he didn’t just either stop her from sitting on him or ask her to get up immediately, he said it wasn’t a big deal, this is what happens on nights out, that he got up as soon as he could so as not to hurt her feelings and that i
me being upset is ‘fucking ridiculous’.

We both used to work together so I am still friends with most of his colleagues (I don’t know this woman) and I think he only
told me because he thought one of them might mention it to me - more in a way of Xyz and ABC were friendly last night - because nobody knows we are together.

AIBU to be upset and think this is not really ok? If he’d stopped her from sitting or asked her to immediately get up, I’d not be upset but it’s the sitting talking to her whilst she is draped over his lap that feels disrespectful.

Yeah, I wasn’t thinking she had an agenda, more that the news about him would be upsetting. Him though…I think he’s got one.

10 years???!!! F*cking hell OP, this is beyond weird. I can understand keeping your relationship secret for a year after you left work but 10 years?! Sounds like he's hedging his bets and to the outside world he's single. Agree that he only told you about this woman because you know a lot of his colleagues.

This is potentially 10 years of your life he has stolen. If he's not willing to go public immediately I would be moving back to my own house and getting a life of my own with someone who is proud to call me his partner and respects me.

So in summary you’re in a secret relationship with someone who appreciates being able to get cosy with colleagues without questions about his relationship status. And you’ve been happy enough with this to stay for 10 years. With kindness has he brain washed you because this is madness.

Over a decade of him pretending he’s single? Are you serious?!!

Do you really want to stay with him?

NC for this.

I think you've got more to worry about than this woman sitting on his lap the other night.

I was in the exact same situation when I met my now husband. We worked together in the same office and he was the boss. We kept it secret for 3 months as it was early days and we wanted to see how it was going. At 3 months we told colleagues. It would have been very difficult to carry on keeping it a secret.

I cannot fathom for the life of me how this is a secret after TEN YEARS! You cannot be ok with this.

You do realise this is very weird. So you’ve been a secret for ten years. How do you feel about that. What a strange relationship.

So he refuses to add you to his FB and he doesn’t ever mention you at work, despite the fact that people know you. If you hadn’t hurt yourself, you’d have gone to the event and just pretended that you were just friends. I mean, wtf 😳😳😳

This is honestly one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard.

10 YEARS!!!!!

You’re his dirty little secret. He’s deliberately kept you hidden. The question you have to ask yourself is why.

And your ex-colleague telling you about him looking cosy with other women is probably just the tip of the iceberg.

If you are going to continue this relationship I wouldn’t just insist on going public, being added to his FB etc, I would want a very good explanation for why he’s continued to keep you secret when you left the role and there’s no longer any conflict.

I suspect the more you dig, the more you’ll find.

I’m sorry OP. I know what it’s like to get sucked into a situation and it becomes your normal, blinding you to how unhealthy and unacceptable it all is. You deserve much better than this 💐

So now you know why he has kept you as a dirty little secret.

He is a slimey, sleazy creep.
You deserve so much better OP.

Unbelievable you have wasted a decade with this loser.

I absolutely can't either.

I wonder how many other women are also being kept secret?

It's unbelievable isn't it 😮

He maybe keeping his options open because he wants children. There's no cut off date for men.

I'm going to assume that this is genuine, although it does sound far-fetched, strange things happen in real life. If I ignore all the other red flags, there was one that struck me - he wants children and the OP doesn't. I'd say he's keeping his options open so he can jump ship without too many complications if a willing female comes along. And since he seems to have something of a track record on the matter - probably a colleague again.

Erm...two HUGE issues...

That's just as bad!!

And this was not a GIGANTIC red flag because......?

All this combined with the fact he won't add you to his Facebook (together a DECADE) absolutely screams he is still living and behaving as a single man behind your back. Sorry OP, but it does.

You are a partner that nobody knows about. Is he married to someone else?

So how do the two of you behave when you go to work events together? you must have been to a few over 10 years of being together.

Not ideal but not the end of the world either.
He needs to understand this is not acceptable and next time you will expect him to stop the flirting immediately. If he loves you , he will do it.

@TiredOTUS - does this mean that when you go to his work events together you pretend you’re not together? That is very weird, especially since you’re no longer at the same workplace. DH and I met at work - I know many couples who have - we kept it quiet for a bit while we worked out where we were at and then we let it be known we were a couple.

But the children situation is significant - if he really wants children, then, as people say, he may be keeping his options open and he may look to move on if he meets a woman who wants to have children.

Omg. What the fuck is he up to??? You’re so not unreasonable. This is mental.

This guy? Self serving prick. Wow.

LTB

As long as there’s no children involved, as is the case here, any person who has endured this for a decade… can and will just crack on. They no doubt had an appalling benchmark for a relationship from watching their messed up parents relationship, and have a history of appalling relationships before this one.

Theres very little hope of change. So just as long as no children EVER are introduced, then 🤷‍♀️