To think I’m not in the wrong for being upset?

[TiredOTUS]

My partner went on a work night out last night. He told me this morning that one of his colleagues always makes a beeline for him on nights out and that last night she did the same and came over and sat on his knee and draped herself over him (his words not mine).

I asked what happened and he said they had a short conversation with her sitting on his lap and then he got up. When I asked why he didn’t just either stop her from sitting on him or ask her to get up immediately, he said it wasn’t a big deal, this is what happens on nights out, that he got up as soon as he could so as not to hurt her feelings and that i
me being upset is ‘fucking ridiculous’.

We both used to work together so I am still friends with most of his colleagues (I don’t know this woman) and I think he only
told me because he thought one of them might mention it to me - more in a way of Xyz and ABC were friendly last night - because nobody knows we are together.

AIBU to be upset and think this is not really ok? If he’d stopped her from sitting or asked her to immediately get up, I’d not be upset but it’s the sitting talking to her whilst she is draped over his lap that feels disrespectful.

Work colleagues do not behave like that. It is pure fodder for gossip and speculation.
Unless it’s common knowledge they’ve got a thing going. Which given they don’t know he is with you, is possible?

No - he was promoted a few years later. He didn’t want to tell people initially because he said our manager at the time would have an issue with it.

it all sounds like madness when I write it out but this has been my normality for years and I suppose it’s just become normal.

It's definitely not normal for a partner to lie to his co-workers for 10 years about being in a significant relationship and letting them think he's single. Do you live together?

You got together when you were colleagues. What was his reason for secrecy at that point?

I’d be feeling pretty disrespected if I were kept a secret.

To just fling her off, or say get off my knee would be pretty rude and embarrassing for them both and would certainly have got a laugh or applause from the other people present. If no one knows you are together he can't just laugh it off saying you know I'm with Jane so you have to go, sorry, and remove her (gently).

We do live together. I have my own house though that I can return to at fairly short notice.

he said he wanted to keep it secret because our manager at the time would have an issue with it.

Quite possible to move her off gently, no flinging necessary. If he respected his ‘partner’ that is.

More rude than sitting on a colleague’s knee uninvited? He could have literally said something like ‘here have my seat’ instead of allowing her to drape herself over him and have a conversation.

How together are you. Seems a bit odd that nobody knows. Do you live together or just dating.

Yep, we live together.

If you hadn’t broken your leg and had gone to the party, how would it have panned out? The both of you pretending to just be friends? What if the woman had sat on his knee in front of you believing you were just friends?

Which is fair enough at the time – but 10 years have passed and you live together! His female colleague most likely wouldn't have gone near his knees if she'd known he'd been in a relationship for the past decade. He's made you his dirty little secret and I suspect it suits him to be thought of as single at work if colleagues throw themselves at him on a night out.

I really don’t know. It’s so difficult unnecessarily isn’t it? I’m tired of all this

I’m inclined to agree.

I’d be furious. Why does someone casually assume sitting on a lap is welcomed? Unless she’s been welcomed before. He doesn’t respect you, you have your own home, I’d go there and not look back.

edit: but I’m older and have been burned considerably OP - I wish I’d had more self worth when I could have enjoyed it while younger. Please respect yourself.

Thank you. I really appreciate your kindness.

Be kind to yourself.

But you don't work together now so no need to keep it a secret.

I was my dh manager and we had to keep it quiet. As soon as I left, everyone knew! And we could tell all my/dh colleagues as there was no longer a conflict of interest.

I'd be fuming right now and he'd have to have an unbelievably good explanation.

With all kindness, if he wants kids and you don’t then you are Mrs Right Now, not Mrs Right and he is keeping his options open in case he meets someone who does fancy him and wants kids. Men don’t have the same time pressures and therefore sense of urgency, but don’t think he has reconciled himself to a childfree life with you.

You're victim shaming plain and simple! Of this was a man saying my DW came home from a work do and said a male colleague made a beeline for her and sat on her knee even though she didn't want him to but she didn't get up immediately people would say he had no right to be angry at his wife because she was the victim of SA! Just because it's female to male doesn't make it any different - your OH was sexually abused - has told you he was sexually abused and you've victim shamed him by getting angry with him!

Do you trust him or not? If you trust him then what's the issue?

If you've left I don't understand why youd be kept a secret, I mean I don't think it's normal anyway but that's not an excuse.

Imagine if this was a guy all over a woman when it's clear she's not interested he would be called a sleaze. I get she's drunk in these situations but doesn't make it right.

This woman needs to be told straight it's just not on at all.

You beat me to it! Absolutely this. The lap thing wouldn’t bother me at all, however the fact that his 10yr relationship is not public knowledge to anyone other than immediate friends and family is a major klaxon.

So many reasons to be upset here… I do understand the initial secrecy, but you’ve been together 10 YEARS and still a secret!!!! Holy moly! I’ve been disrespected in my relationship but at least the OW knew about me (my husband obviously very much to blame too… takes two to “tango” 😔) but if he’s really keeping you a secret I’d be questioning that massively, especially the levels he’s gone too…

He's a manager and his coworker is sitting on his lap and draping herself around him while having a chat?

But you kept your relationship a secret all this time because manager and coworker was not considered acceptable even though you left and are no longer coworkers?

Yeah, that doesn't make sense at all.

10 years together and his coworkers don't know that he has a partner?

I think you think he's your partner but he doesn't.

Time for you to wake up.