To think I’m not in the wrong for being upset?

[TiredOTUS]

My partner went on a work night out last night. He told me this morning that one of his colleagues always makes a beeline for him on nights out and that last night she did the same and came over and sat on his knee and draped herself over him (his words not mine).

I asked what happened and he said they had a short conversation with her sitting on his lap and then he got up. When I asked why he didn’t just either stop her from sitting on him or ask her to get up immediately, he said it wasn’t a big deal, this is what happens on nights out, that he got up as soon as he could so as not to hurt her feelings and that i
me being upset is ‘fucking ridiculous’.

We both used to work together so I am still friends with most of his colleagues (I don’t know this woman) and I think he only
told me because he thought one of them might mention it to me - more in a way of Xyz and ABC were friendly last night - because nobody knows we are together.

AIBU to be upset and think this is not really ok? If he’d stopped her from sitting or asked her to immediately get up, I’d not be upset but it’s the sitting talking to her whilst she is draped over his lap that feels disrespectful.

@TiredOTUS if she’s comfortable enough to walk up to him at a work event and sit in his knee or lap - then this isn’t just a one off thing. I mean who the fuck does that?! That’s someone that feels they have a relationship with him beyond colleagues. That’s not a causal work relationship. That’s I didn’t know he has a partner and we flirt at work and at company events. Sounds like emotional affair territory. And he’s only telling you in case someone else drops him in it otherwise you’d never have know.

take off the blinkers. xx

For heavens sake, this hyperbole does actual victims of sexual abuse no favours at all.

and I think he only told me because he thought one of them might mention it to me
completely ageee

because nobody knows we are together.
10 years! Beyond weird.

I'm so sorry OP, but he is keeping his options open.
You ARE a dirty secret.
10 years?
Bloody hell, only on MN.
Thank god you haven't had children with the weasel.
Pack a bag and head off.
Don't waste any more time on this snake.
Oh and definitely get the word out that you were together 10 years and YOU dumped his slimey arse.

Very possibly yes, though since the team don't even know you're together there's the question of why they'd bother to tell you

The bigger question though is why he's so desperate to keep his options open, and that's something I'd very much want to address if I was going to stay with him

I would watch your back, he won’t even add you on fb. And people don’t know your together, just watch he’s not living a double life

I'm always shocked and dismayed that so many people find it normal/acceptable for their partner to call them "fucking ridiculous" or similar. That's vile. So aggressive and unnecessary. My partner would never, ever say something like that to me. If we disagree or differ we'd express it but not like that.

Also the secret thing is a huge red flag. I was kept secret in my first relationship and it's messed me up for life (although I have worked thru it mostly now). Don't let these things, the way he speaks to you and the fact you're a secret, anywhere, at all, be normal for you.

Even if he's not leading a double life, the psychological effect of being kept secret and hidden is so damaging. It's so awful for self worth, even if on the surface you can tell yourself that you get why they're doing it and it's not a big deal.

But yes, another risk with it is that it enables so much scope for deception and lying.

Yanbu. If a lass made a beeline for my husband and sat on his knee and dropped herself over him I'd expect him to remove her off his person and set and enforce boundaries with her. She is not at fault when she believes he's single, he however knows he's in a relationship but he isn't acting like it. His reaction to you feeling upset speaks volumes too. Bin him off op he is not a partner worth having.

I feel so sorry for OP, it’s just normal to her, but it is really not normal, when she left the work place years ago, also the woman just walked in and got on his lap, shows she’s comfy, wonder what would of happened if poster was there

I genuinely think he only told me because he was worried that one of the team would mention it in passing to me.

Why would someone from work want to tell you when they don’t know about your relationship with him?

I think you’ve got a serious issue with this man @TiredOTUS , you’ve been together 10 years and he still behaves like a single man , it’s ridiculous . If some woman sat on my husbands lap I’d expect him to remove himself immediately , sod her feelings it is totally inappropriate.

🚩s all over it!

Well I’m going to speak to him in a few hours so I will let you know how it goes. However, I think as a minimum, I need a promise that he will enforce appropriate boundaries with colleagues AND that we tell the team about our relationship.

I cannot believe you have been living like this for ten years. What is wrong with you OP?

There isn’t children in this “relationship” is there op?

Oh the naivety

I think one of them has at least got an idea that we are together. She always makes a point of telling me what has happened on nights out where I haven’t been able to attend.

Can you just put us out of our misery and hopefully confirm no children involved in this mess

Being together for 10 years but he pretends that you aren’t together sounds very odd. I can see why you kept it quiet at the beginning but it’s been 10 years, you don’t work together any more and yet he’s still keeping it a secret. Is there anything else is he keeping secret?
You deserve more than this. He should be proud to be with you.

OP said earlier there aren’t any children. He wants them and she doesn’t.

OP has said there are no children.

What kind of things does she tell you? Things that upset you?

Hallelujah!!!!
for once!

Not usually. Over Christmas she told me something that upset me - that he was behaving in a way with another colleague that people were asking what was going on. Sitting looking cozy. I genuinely think she is looking out for me though.