Is this what you call performance parenting?

[NotSoSlimShadee]

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

Get on with your day and ignore everyone else.

We’re talking about people who sneer at other parents engaging with their children and stretching their knowledge and vocabulary.
Who gives a fuck what they think?

You're fine. Maybe it's the volume you said it at? Were you broadcasting to all and sundry? That would come over as performance parenting.

Did you teach her that so she can bully and insult people polylinguistically?

The second part smacks of showing off and you’ve clearly said it a volume that others can hear.

My son who is now nearly 50, was very 'spirited' as a child under 7, and I found the only way to keep him out of trouble and under control, when we were out and about, was to keep him interested, and answer his endless questions as best I could! This often resulted in conversations like OP's and rolling eyes from passers by. Shoppingwith him from about 18 months entailed counting oranges or tomatoes as he put them in the trolley from his child seat, choosing the beans we wanted from the shelf etc. It did seem a bit of a performance, but it worked. You just have to become impervious to the looks and opinions of strangers.

OP- I talk to my children a lot of the time like the scenarios you are describing.

Its because I spent a decade as an Early Years teacher. Our curriculum was so talk-based, linking ideas and memories, comparing experiences. Learning is everywhere, all around us. So I naturally talk like that with my own children, I can’t help it! 😂

I’m sure your children enjoy your conversations and interest in their observations a great deal 😊

Quit fretting.

If DD remains attentive, then she's engage and enjoying.
If DD blanks out, then wind it in a little bit.

Ignore other people being muppets.

I grew up with two parents who were teachers. Everything was an opportunity for learning, and I am grateful for it (in hindsight at least).

Much worse would be.
Q1. It's a boring game
Q2. Australia, or "dunno"

You want DD to be inquisitive about the world, and to get used to getting answers to her questions.

Hold your head up, stick with it, and ignore people who's opinion you did not seek,

This is the moment I realised I’m a performance parent 😬 also, what is a performance parent? 🤔

I don't get it. You sound like a caring mother engaging with their child. I would talk similarly to mine. You're just being a parent.
Maybe you're loud but also who cares! Just be you and enjoy your child.

Things that trigger other people are often based on internal insecurities. Perhaps they were feeling like they are not capable / don’t have conversations on the same level with their own kids.

Regardless of whether you were doing it to be performative, you can parent your children however you want and it’s nobody else’s business.

That's how I look at it too.

First one was talking to your child about the chess set. Second was over the top.

I noticed a difference style of parenting today in my local bookshop. Man with 2 girls about 2,5 or 3 and 5, Small one pulled a pile of books off the table, he admonished, said it was not ok etc and picked them up, then wandered off (out of sight, big shop) telling the older one to look after her sister. It’s kind of deliberate laziness in a kind of entitled show off way I think. Next minute, a man pushing an infant in a pram with one hand came wandering in holding a glass of white wine the other (there is a restaurant next door). “trying to get her to sleep’ he said as he bumped into book table steering one handed and set baby off.

Big sigh

Or were involved in their own conversation and eye rolling that had nothing to do with the poster?

You are a 'talk a lot' parent, which is brilliant for a child. I don't see any problem with what you are asking or teaching her. Just ignore the ignorance and carry on with what you are doing 😊

Why? What's over the top about it?
By the time he was three my son knew all the planets in the solar system and was really interested in space and the world. He'd travelled to quite a few different countries and was learning french from me and had learnt a bit of dutch from my friend's toddler. He was hugely interested in different countries and would have loved to know that the bird came from Australia and to have talked about how Kangaroos came from Australia. This is exactly the kind of stuff some children love to chat about and learn about.

Not all children are the same. My son sends me links to books about politics/history/space /science/chess that he wants to read for pleasure now. He is, and always was, just a kid who loves learning. He's also got a vicious sense of humour and a kind heart. He would never mock someone for being interested in the world or for having a conversation with their child.

I do stuff like this with ours all the time, had never considered this wasn't normal 😂 Never heard of "performance parenting" either, until now.

If you and your child are happy, and your child is having their needs met, I wouldn't give a second thought to what other people think. A lot of them are rude and / or thick anyway, as evidenced by the behaviour you saw today!

Honestly nine times out of ten when people complain about "performance parenting" its out of insecurity or guilt that they don't bother to talk to/listen to their kids enough: someone else has made them feel shit about their own parenting.

Usually with a liberal side helping of inverse snobbery: there's usually a "Jasper" or a "Jocasta" thrown in for good measure to turn anyone who communicates with their child into a middle class caricature.

I find it thoroughly depressing that people feel that talking to your kids in public is showing off. It says far more about the person levelling the accusation than it does the supposed "performance parent".

You crack on OP and parent your child how you like.

Also, the boy who had the rude dad, absolutely should be learning his square roots.

Going by the responses on here, you’re either pretentiously conversing about astrophysics so that the public at large knows they are in the presence of geniuses, or you’re scrolling through your phone while your kids’ brains shrivel up from lack of interaction. I mean, I chatted and had a right old laugh with my children when they were small. I threw in a few facts about stuff I knew when appropriate and answered any questions to the best of my ability. All in a completely conversational - ie not loud - tone of voice. There’s a happy medium and I think most of us fall into that category.

I am so utterly done with this shit!! Who gives a flying fuck what other people think. You’re interacting with your child. I would have spoken with my child this way. I am not loud, I don’t like attention on me and I certainly wouldn’t have a loud conversation to draw attention to myself. Now caring parents are panicking about how they interact with their child.

This was a term created by parents who give their child an iPad, to make them (the parents) feel better surely? Getting on my bloody nerves!

@NotSoSlimShadee, would you like me to do some Performance Mumsnetting and teach you the object of chess? Because it is not what you think it is.

Man alive, it’s fine.
Teach your kid some stuff, engage in conversation in the open air, it’s all absolutely fine.
You crack on, love. Just ignore the nay sayers

Soccer mum in the making.
Why does it bother you why other people think anyway?

Sounds like the conversations I had with my parents and those I have with my DC now. No-one ever commented. Either we spoke in quieter voices or people were less judgemental. I do think there's an anti intellectual bent to modern society which would rather we all languished at the same level of ignorance and make an example of people choosing to learn.

No it’s great of course. Maybe quieter then? Ignore others, it’s just a sense of competition they feel