Is this what you call performance parenting?

[NotSoSlimShadee]

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

Indeed. It's much ruder to pass judgement in public on the conversations that strangers have with their families than to be a little too loud in public (even if OP was).

It's pretty difficult to avoid being aware of people sniggering at you. That's mainly what makes it nasty, bullying behaviour (as opposed to internally eye-rolling).

Agreed, and it’s SO depressing - everyone seems to want to just be the lowest common denominator in case they are “pretentious” or “swots”. It’s bullying, really.

Yes it sounds like performance parenting to me. Especially the second example, I internally cringed. I can see Mr Tumble or similar with a huge grin saying 'That's right! Hey kids! WHAT OTHER animals live in Australia?!' 🙈

I spoke to my young kids all day long. I answered questions all day long. By 4 I was googling half the time because they'd be asking me shit that I had no idea of the answer 😂

But it was natural:
'Mum what's that?'
'That's a Lorikeet, they're from Australia'.
'Like kangaroos!'
'Yes that's right'.
That's a natural learning experience that happens multiple times a day with a curious and engaged kid. Zero effort required.

'Mum what's that?'
'That's a Lorikeet, they're from Australia. Can you remember what other animals are from Australia?'
'Kangaroos'.
'Yes! And do you know where Australia is?'

That's not natural conversation. You're just firing questions at the kid, with the aim of purposely turning it into a learning experience.

You didn't need to. The kid was learning organically anyway. It's tiresome and (to many others) amusing.

@persoe thank you for explaining to me that “learning is really fun for a human”, something that despite having a degree from Cambridge myself, being a lawyer, and having raised (as a single parent) children who obtained first class degrees, was unclear to me. You live and LEARN!

Seriously, don’t give it another thought. You are engaging with your daughter, chatting, educating - all great. Focus on your relationship with her and ignore any bitter people around you.
Trying (and sometimes getting it wrong) is part of parenthood and everyone who tries is to be respected.
People judge and will always judge whatever you do, so best crack on trying to be the best parent you can be ❤️

I don’t think of this is performative unless you were screaming it loudly. I always wonder if people who judge “performance” (also known as talking to your kids) perhaps lack the general knowledge necessary to have these conversations so snark about it to cover their own inadequacy.

OP needs to come back and clarify whether she was talking overly loudly.

As long as your child was happy and engaged I wouldn't care what other people thought. Parents are judged whatever they do. There are far worse examples of parenting than a mum asking her child questions. What has the world come to??

You just sound like a good parent to me, @NotSoSlimShadee .

You're putting on a feverish performance in this very thread. You're gushing: "Look at me, look at me! En't I such an excellent parent, sooo much better than you little people."

Classic public performance posing, and quite hilarious. 😂

@Elektra1: You live and LEARN!

How true. From this thread I learned of the class-based nature of a certain insult; you learned how an average four-year-old can learn to play chess.

A degree from Cambridge? Pfui. (None of my degrees from there, though some of my childrens'.) Mumsnet is the place to learn important stuff.

My DH was a bit like this when ours were small. It's bloody irritating at times. Whenever they asked a question he would expand the subject and ask them more questions about it until he found one they didn't know the answer to, hence they'd learned a new thing.
They didn't want a lecture or lesson they just wanted a quick answer and I think it's frustrating to be constantly quizzed.

This thread makes me want to go round projecting my voice as apparently hearing a mum speaking to their child gets people's backs up. I could have had much more fun when DDs were younger if I'd only known there were so many numpties with a hair trigger.

The other people seem rude

But that's not it at all.

I talked to my kids ALL the time and we did so many educational things and they had "learning experiences" all the time. But firing questions and giving over-complex explanations isn't really useful. At that age it's more about them developing their own curiosity and desire to learn, engaging them about what they're seeing and helping them to explore that - so rather than firing questions about Australian animals which require a one word answer, you get the child engaged in looking at its legs and wondering how high it can jump, or asking what you think they eat, or talking about how a kangaroo looks a bit like a wallaby they've just seen, or walking around the enclosure to see how many others there are and count the total etc etc. It's about nurturing interests and if they're not interested in the kangaroos then fine, you move on and look at the monkeys or the fish. Rather than loudly lecturing and firing questions.

No idea what performative parenting is but it sounds like you’re a great parent!

What, that I don’t spoilt my children? The OP’s daughter literally just asked what a chess table was and was immediately met with an offer to buy her some chess pieces, before she’d even answered the question. That would make me roll my eyes in public too!

If you would have acted the same with no one in ear shot then it's just attentive parenting. I saw classic performance parenting recently on a train. A woman reading her child a story from a kids' magazine and doing all the crazy faces and voices for the whole carriage to listen to.

Yep, these two things definitely happened. 🤥

You're that arsed if you’re being unreasonable but haven’t come back to the thread in 5 hours since posting.

Honestly you’re doing great. You’re interacting with your child, answering their questions and helping them learn.
the other parents judge because it makes them reflect on their own parenting.

keep doing what you’re doing xx

Can someone give me an approximate idea of the maximum decibel level that my voice can acceptably reach when out with my daughter before I will be judged by others for performance parenting?

Maybe. But my son (dyslexic, early speech hesitancy and word-finding difficulty) needed the constant prompt such questions provided, and his speech therapist said that was good for NT children, too. But as usual, those with precocious (your word: engaged) kids don’t need that for their natural brilliance to shine through.

I'm thinking you were foghorn loud.

I still remember being around 7 years old and saying a childish 'what is THAT?' About something on the TV(a programme about rivers and sewage works!) And my dad telling me what this device was, but then going on and on and on and on and on for what felt like hours and I darent let on that I'd lost interest so had to keep looking at him and not looking bored, it was torturous!
But anyway, you don't sound like you did anything wrong to me but I agree be aware of kid's natural attention spans!