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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this what you call performance parenting?

389 replies

NotSoSlimShadee · 31/05/2025 10:09

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

OP posts:
classornot · 31/05/2025 15:38

You must be very loud if so many different people are consecutively listening and laughing...

Theroadt · 31/05/2025 15:40

SnoozingFox · 31/05/2025 15:12

But that's not it at all.

I talked to my kids ALL the time and we did so many educational things and they had "learning experiences" all the time. But firing questions and giving over-complex explanations isn't really useful. At that age it's more about them developing their own curiosity and desire to learn, engaging them about what they're seeing and helping them to explore that - so rather than firing questions about Australian animals which require a one word answer, you get the child engaged in looking at its legs and wondering how high it can jump, or asking what you think they eat, or talking about how a kangaroo looks a bit like a wallaby they've just seen, or walking around the enclosure to see how many others there are and count the total etc etc. It's about nurturing interests and if they're not interested in the kangaroos then fine, you move on and look at the monkeys or the fish. Rather than loudly lecturing and firing questions.

I didn’t read all of that into the conversation OP set out. Some people are natyrally good af asking just the right question to get that all going - and some aren’t, but still have a go. Maybd they are not the best Qs to ask but she is trying to engage her child and interact - honestly people on MN are so judgy. OP is doing far, far better than parents whi simply frisbee a tablet/phone to their kids, and any attempt to stretch minds, however imperfect, should be applauded but in UK too often derided.

Gall10 · 31/05/2025 15:46

Ddakji · 31/05/2025 10:11

I would say the first isn’t (you answered her question of “what is chess”) and the second is (turned a conversation into a lesson).

If any of this happened, that is.

My thoughts!

Lookforthefairfolk · 31/05/2025 16:16

Did Henry answer correctly?

Enough4me · 31/05/2025 16:47

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 31/05/2025 13:30

Have you considered that some people are just...loud? Naturally?

You sound judgemental and smug.

Absolutely, I judge performance parenting as annoying. Hands up I do that.
However, I'm not smug about my DC as how well they do or do not do is largely down to their choices.
What is, "naturally loud"?
We all have the ability to modify tone/pitch/volume (within reason unless affected by health/genetics).
I see the vast majority of parents parenting (interacting with DC) minus the performance.
Rather than look around and perform for an audience, performance parents could focus on their DCs and their needs. While focusing on their DC they are more likely to hear what their DC are saying.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 31/05/2025 16:51

Enough4me · 31/05/2025 16:47

Absolutely, I judge performance parenting as annoying. Hands up I do that.
However, I'm not smug about my DC as how well they do or do not do is largely down to their choices.
What is, "naturally loud"?
We all have the ability to modify tone/pitch/volume (within reason unless affected by health/genetics).
I see the vast majority of parents parenting (interacting with DC) minus the performance.
Rather than look around and perform for an audience, performance parents could focus on their DCs and their needs. While focusing on their DC they are more likely to hear what their DC are saying.

Naturally loud is when people are...wait for it...loud by nature.

Yes we can modify but when caught up in something, the majority of people revert to their natural state because they aren't focused on what's around them, but instead what they're doing and the people with them.

HTH.

chunkybear · 31/05/2025 17:13

You were literally telling your child how to play the game, not like you were talking about warfare, strategies etc!
WRT the Australian discussion, perfectly normal too!
I used to get my kids involved with what birds are in the garden/tree and plant names, fruit and veg names in the supermarket etc so you carry on, engagement and educational, sounds perfect parenting to me

Snorlaxo · 31/05/2025 17:28

Don’t make the same mistake as these parents and turn your child into a viral talking point

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/moana-girl-singing-delayed-flight-video-b2760862.html

I feel very sorry for the girl -she’s old enough that her peers may have seen this and may not be able up shake off the Internet nickname Moana girl.

Plane passengers subjected to ‘nightmare’ as girl takes over intercom to sing Moana

After an initial two-hour take-off delay, the Orlando-bound plane spent another two hours circling its destination city

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/moana-girl-singing-delayed-flight-video-b2760862.html

LookingAtMyBhunas · 31/05/2025 17:37

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 31/05/2025 12:56

I don’t see a problem with this. So many children in the UK have so little exposure to a second language. So she’s teaching them some French! So what?

The French was one example.
And I'd agree if she had ever actually just had a normal conversation with them, or played with them, or asked how their day had been, but it was a constant learning environment and exhausted them, and me tbh.

LookingAtMyBhunas · 31/05/2025 17:40

Snorlaxo · 31/05/2025 17:28

Don’t make the same mistake as these parents and turn your child into a viral talking point

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/moana-girl-singing-delayed-flight-video-b2760862.html

I feel very sorry for the girl -she’s old enough that her peers may have seen this and may not be able up shake off the Internet nickname Moana girl.

Jesus christ in heaven.

adviceneeded1990 · 31/05/2025 17:59

ShellieAnn · 31/05/2025 15:17

If you would have acted the same with no one in ear shot then it's just attentive parenting. I saw classic performance parenting recently on a train. A woman reading her child a story from a kids' magazine and doing all the crazy faces and voices for the whole carriage to listen to.

Entertaining her children on a train journey? With an enthusiastic story? What terrible parenting. Would you prefer they sit in silence plugged into an iPad?

ShellieAnn · 31/05/2025 18:04

adviceneeded1990 · 31/05/2025 17:59

Entertaining her children on a train journey? With an enthusiastic story? What terrible parenting. Would you prefer they sit in silence plugged into an iPad?

Well yeah, it would have saved me from listening to that! There's a time and a place to read in silly ( loud) voices to kids and that ain't it.

adviceneeded1990 · 31/05/2025 18:09

ShellieAnn · 31/05/2025 18:04

Well yeah, it would have saved me from listening to that! There's a time and a place to read in silly ( loud) voices to kids and that ain't it.

That’s sad, but a fair representation of what this country has become in relation to children. I‘m a teacher and I have so many children in front of me each new school year without basic general knowledge, the ability to enjoy a story, the ability to express creativity when bored, etc, because of this “just plug them in so they are seen and not heard” attitude. There are far worse things going on in public places than a parent reading a story.

pinkyredrose · 31/05/2025 18:16

Santasbigredbobblehat · 31/05/2025 10:46

Not performative. How are children ever supposed to learn about things if someone doesn’t ask questions of them and explain things? My 6 year old has an encyclopaedic knowledge of the monarchs of Europe and we have discussions in public about who did what when, why wouldn’t we?

I teach Early Years and the number of children I work with who are clearly never told anything is obvious and depressing. Keep doing it, those other parents are dicks.

Oh fucking hell . My 6 year old has an encyclopaedic knowledge of the monarchs of Europe

😂 You can performance parent online too.

DarkForces · 31/05/2025 18:17

@adviceneeded1990 the education system is hardly promoting much creativity in my experience. And stories are fine. Just match your volume to your environment. Inside voices and all that

ThePunnyPeachDuck · 31/05/2025 18:23

You do you

the majority of people out in public are not the brightest and I wouldn’t worry what they do or say

pinkyredrose · 31/05/2025 18:24

persoe · 31/05/2025 11:17

I used to explain everything to my children, get them to think about stuff, ask lots of questions, both in private, and when occasion demanded, also in public. I probably did have a loud voice, too. Still do. (Though not as loud as some people who talk on their phones in trains, urgh.)

I guess I was one of those 'performative parents'.

Did people laugh at me? They probably did. But I don't care. My children grew up, got well-educated (at public expense, I might add, though I helped finance their undergrad living expenses), did lots of postgrad degrees, charity work, travelled the world, partnered with like-minded decent people, had kids of their own, advanced in fulfilling careers ...

Now, I'm happy to say, they bring their own children up much as they were brought up - sometimes performatively. They don't care if people laugh, either; they have personal knowledge of the advantages of parental engagement like that for children.

I'm now a performative grandparent. Laugh at me all you like. Then piss off, you stupid ignorant chavs.

How classy.

Grammarnut · 31/05/2025 18:28

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 31/05/2025 13:33

and do you not have a chess set?

We don't. We don't play and we have a small house, so unnecessary things are limited because of storage. I think lots of people probably don't own a chess set...

Just wondered. My late DH used to play for his county so we have several. I play poorly, sadly!

WitcheryDivine · 31/05/2025 18:42

ShellieAnn · 31/05/2025 18:04

Well yeah, it would have saved me from listening to that! There's a time and a place to read in silly ( loud) voices to kids and that ain't it.

I got a face last time I read to my little one on a train - usually if anyone bothers to listen they smile but maybe it was you (although maybe not as I’m not loud). If people would rather I had my kid screaming or trying to empty their handbags or come over to be entertained by you, please just say. Personally I find cartoons or blinky blonky game noises people give their kids absolutely horrible to listen to. If you find people talking to their kids so worrisome maybe go to the quiet carriage or get some really good headphones. You can’t just switch kids off for the journey then switch them back on at arrival (if only!!)

adviceneeded1990 · 31/05/2025 18:47

DarkForces · 31/05/2025 18:17

@adviceneeded1990 the education system is hardly promoting much creativity in my experience. And stories are fine. Just match your volume to your environment. Inside voices and all that

This is true. There is no money to promote anything other than the very basics at the moment and it’s heartbreaking. Children coming to school remotely prepared and able to do something other than click a screen mindlessly does help though. Parents are the first educators and all that.

As this thread shows people have different views on what constitutes an inside voice. Having been on trains full of drunken morons, grown adults having screechy FT chats, screaming across the carriage at their friend in a different seat, iPads and phones with no headphones blaring, etc, I’d far rather listen to a story for children! There are also quiet carriages available.

heartsinvisiblefury · 31/05/2025 18:49

Yes. You are very much looking like a performance parent.

Santasbigredbobblehat · 31/05/2025 18:51

pinkyredrose · 31/05/2025 18:16

Oh fucking hell . My 6 year old has an encyclopaedic knowledge of the monarchs of Europe

😂 You can performance parent online too.

He’s autistic and it’s something he’s interested in. Talking about them regulates him.

WitcheryDivine · 31/05/2025 19:00

Santasbigredbobblehat · 31/05/2025 18:51

He’s autistic and it’s something he’s interested in. Talking about them regulates him.

Good for you for following his interests - as someone with an autistic family member I didn’t need to be told that btw! 😄 🤴

Newbie8918 · 31/05/2025 19:06

Yes. You should just give them an iPad and ignore them. Jesus, I’m so thankful that I don’t have kids. The pressure to be ‘prefect’ must be immense!

Id smile if I heard you. You sound like you’re doing a wonderful, thoughtful job. Well done.

Umidontknow · 31/05/2025 19:17

For you to get laughed at by different people on separate occasions I think it's probably the way you are saying things rather than what you are saying tbh