Is this what you call performance parenting?

[NotSoSlimShadee]

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

I was going to say this too. Parents who parent loudly in public. Otherwise the others wouldn’t have noticed what you were talking about.

The comments about loud talking piss me off. I am partly hearing impaired. My voice is inevitably loud.
DS was a very early talker and loved asking questions and learning new things. We chatted about all sorts.
I am the least performy person ever but if people overheard us and jumped to that conclusion then in all honesty I don't really care.

I don't think either of your conversations are performance parenting. And get the chess set! DS played in fits and starts when young but loves it now. It's a nice way to spend time with a teenager! (He also does rock climbing and sailing and plays too many computer games with his friends, for those who need reassurance he's not being hot housed)

Some kids love learning and talking about the world, it's a pleasure to spend time with them and it's a shame some people are stupid and judge

I think more people should engage their small kids. DS is 4 and is learning chess. There's a Duolingo for it, another app he uses and we also have a cheap little board. He's really into it and soon will start playing online with his grandpa abroad.

As long as your conversation was for you two and not to tell everyone, then you are being a good parent not a performative one.

I feel bad for the other child whose parents don't want to teach him anything other than making fun of people.

How do you know who has a health issue affecting volume and who doesn't?

I didn't saw my ear off, I just got hearing damage from repeated infections as a child. The only sign is my loud voice and the fact I might not hear you if I can't lip read

What you are doing is great. I loved talking to my littles ones (and still do now that they are older), teaching them things and trying to teach them how to think critically. But it becomes irritating to others if you do it at a loud volume. Lots of parents speak really loudly with their children when in public, I don’t think they always mean to, but they do. No one else wants to hear your/our teachings, or how cleverly little Johnny responds to them. It’s not the children that bother me, it’s the high volume of the parents that I don’t want to listen to in the train/a waiting room/a restaurant. All parents have to do is use their ‘indoor voice’. Maybe you could try this and see how it goes? (So: don’t stop what you’re doing, just lower the volume!)

I have a child who loves being tested on his current obsessions. I remember when he was 4 and obsessed with planets he wanted me to test him on the dwarf planets and their locations. It would have sounded like performative parenting but that's the conversations he likes. He had a chess obsession last year and liked to tell me about strategies he would use.
I think you've probably touched a nerve or something with the other parents.

I home educate so a lot of our conversations go like this because that is literally her education.

I wouldn’t even notice someone laughing at us and if I did, I’d tell them to fuck off. Because obviously it’s not performative in any way. If other people think it is, then whatever 🤷🏽‍♀️

Idk I find lot of people over explain to their kids to the point they clearly zone out or won’t understand what you are even saying, they talk soooo loud and put on a weird voice when they do it and it’s always ‘wow great job, good listening, great questioning’ (which is fine to praise etc but when it’s every 2 seconds it’s annoying) and honestly it does make me roll my eyes.

it is fab that you actually talk and converse with ur kids! I am a very involved parent, I will explain if they ask and talk to my kids through a lot but I talk quietly, talk to them normally and keep it short and simple but still answer the question

Ahh “museum parents”
Persephone if you ask for the guide book in Latin you can get some nettle sorbet.
Horatio don’t forget your harpsichord recital.
my children are great at playing along with this. Called the eldest Attila in London. Nobody batted an eyelid.

How sad for your children that they are being taught to make fun of people who might sound or behave differently to them and their family.

I mean if you're asking normal people no you're literally just parenting BUT if you're asking Mumsnet then that's a whole different kettle of fish and they think any kids of conversation with kids outside the home is performance parenting!
Personally I think do what makes you and your kids happy!

Yes it’s an absolute tragedy for them. Thankfully my eldest can in fact read Latin. And speaks 4 languages fluently. So they’ve done ok.

That's cause we're polite and realise that you do you and we do us. God women judging women is just rife on MN

So you DO performance parent, just online

I do think these things aren't really conversations are they. The chess one is more of a chat because she asked the question, but the Australia one isn't how you talk to people, you'd not say to anyone else "tell me all the facts you know about australia" - if you genuinely talk to your child, you might say you'd like to visit Australia, or ask them about favourite animals. It does sound performative to be "nice and loud for the women at the back now, tell me all your geography knowledge because I've raised a smart child"
My son is nd and knows bazillion facts, I never ask him to tell me them because I want him to learn normal conversation skills. So I ask him more general stuff related to what we are doing, some facts might come up- like at the museum I might ask why he likes a certain statue or which mummy looks creepiest, and he might say "i love this statue because its of zeus, hes my favourite greek god, and i really like how he's king of the gods" I don't say "tell me which Egyptian queen married her father" or "explain to me what the book of the dead is for". I'm not sure why getting children to recite facts is such a thing and I can see why people think it's performative parenting. Other kids won't want to hear all her Australia facts when she chats with them

You seem to be overly aware of how others are reacting to your conversation with your child, which makes me think it was all for their benefit in the first place. Unfortunately it looks you aren’t subtle enough and they’ve clocked it.

Well, at least your child learned something useful. Little Henry's cunty dad taught him it's OK to rip the piss out of strangers for no reason.

I’d far rather a “performance” parent, then one that ignores their kids- either because they are too busy on their phone or talking to another parent (and it’s usually those type of parents that make fun of “performance” parenting - I suspect because it makes them feel guilty).

Mainly because half the time I seem to end up with those “busy” parents child/ren joining in with mine and trying to interact with me instead (because they want that adult attention). I don’t want to supervise extra kids, whereas so called “performance” parenting is really easy to ignore and doesn’t affect me at all - so you do things your way OP (and I’m grateful for it).

Tbh I have a friend who does very similar things to your Australia conversation with her child and I do find it cringe. Just feels over the top.

Again - wow!! It’s amazing how many people have a problem with you having nice interesting conversations with your child. For the record, if I overheard this I’d be thinking “awww that’s sweet” and then start missing my kids - not “oh how dare someone put on a performance for my benefit”. And don’t worry about others who think you are performance parenting - they apparently don’t have a clue how little time a parent who cares about engaging with their child has to worry about anyone else but their child. I know when I spend 10-15 minutes having those sorts of conversations to support my toddler he’s happy and I’m tired as it’s hard work - I’d love to just ignore him and read my phone like I used to do before I had kids but I don’t because I can clearly see it makes him happier to have me engaging with him in this sort of slightly over the top way.

Neither of you are correct, aim of chess is to check mate your opponent. Anything else is of secondary importance.

As if this actually happened.

You sound like a great mum who is taking the time to engage and teach your child. Just enjoy, parent how you want and ignore what’s happening around you as people can snigger and comment as much as they like as long as you and daughter having a great time who cares!

There’s a middle ground though surely. I wasn’t glued to my phone when out and about with my crew when they were small. Equally I wasn’t putting on a Royal Institution Christmas Lecture. We’ve been around some really loud parents bellowing facts at their children.

Why are you looking about at these people whilst you talk to your child? I mean how did you even notice the women roll their eyes if you were speaking to your child?
If you're saying all of these things to your child whilst looking around at strangers then I can see how it might look like you're performance parenting.