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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend should set her standards higher?

268 replies

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 19:52

She is mid 30s and child free. She has been sleeping with the same man on and off for around 15 years. He has never wanted a relationship.

She has had a couple of short lived relationships in that time, and he’s had a few dates and one night stands. About four years ago she met a (I thought) nice man who wanted a proper relationship, and told the other man she wasn’t going to be seeing him any more. After about three months she ended it with the boyfriend, got back in touch immediately with the other man, and resumed things with him.

They now see each other every couple of weeks. Always at his house. Always to play darts or pool and have a drink. They text numerous times a day. He doesn’t want a relationship, but she says she’s made it clear that if he slept with another woman, or was speaking to one with that intention, she’d be done and he’d be blocked. Neither of them have slept with anyone else for years. They’ve booked a weekend away and she’s really excited, as if he’s proposed.

AIBU to think she’s wasting her best years with him, he’ll never commit, and she’s wasting the chance to find someone to settle down properly with? I have told her this but she laughs and says he ‘makes her laugh and is good in bed’. I just think it’s a bit pathetic and am worried she’ll end up 50 and alone when he meets someone he’s actually serious about.

OP posts:
Justchillinhere · 30/05/2025 20:32

She's happy, it's her life and her choices to make, you've told her how you feel. You have to respect her decisions.

Whoseaspangle · 30/05/2025 20:37

It's her life.
If that's what she wants it's nothing to do with you.
If the guy makes her happy she's already doing an awful lot better than a lot of people in so called committed relationships. Because a heck of a lot of committed relationships are anything but happy.

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 21:11

Fair enough. I just think she’s going to really regret not spending this time finding someone who actually wants to commit to her and do more than spending nights at in the house. Surely there should be meals out, cinema, date nights etc. It just seems like she’s settling for crumbs.

OP posts:
OverlyFragrant · 30/05/2025 21:12

Maybe that's the type of relationship she wants/needs and the whole monogamous, dating, marriage, kids factory line isn't for her.

Ohgodohgod · 30/05/2025 21:15

Does she talk about wanting kids or marriage? Does she think this guy will one day give her those things? If the answer to either of those questions is yes, then sure, she’s probably making a mistake. But it’s her mistake to make.

Overtheatlantic · 30/05/2025 21:18

So what you’re saying is that in the 15 years they’ve been fwb she could have been married and divorced with a couple of kids, gone part time because kids and school run, and then be single again.

NeonUnicorn · 30/05/2025 21:23

Not everyone wants to settle down "properly" as you put it. And there's really no time limit on finding a serious relationship if that's what she decides she wants in the future. It's a little different if she wants kids but it doesn't sound like they are a priority for her.

JustMeHello · 30/05/2025 21:24

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 21:11

Fair enough. I just think she’s going to really regret not spending this time finding someone who actually wants to commit to her and do more than spending nights at in the house. Surely there should be meals out, cinema, date nights etc. It just seems like she’s settling for crumbs.

Hasn't she been to the cinema or out for a meal in 15 years? Can those things only be done with a committed partner?

If she's unhappy with her life and wishes she had something other than what she has, then yes she could perhaps set her sights higher. Otherwise, let her crack on, and accept that different people want different things in life.

Burntt · 30/05/2025 21:25

Maybe this is the type of relationship she wants. Or she’s accepting what it is because she understands he’s got some deep rooted thing that barrs him from classifying what they have as a ‘relationship’. If they are exclusive then it sort of it one after all.

i think I’d let it be. Unless she says she wants kids. Then I’d not bring it up but every time she says about wanting kids or says about seeing him make a comment that he’s wasting her time and this could cost her her chance at motherhood. Then change the subject

jetlag92 · 30/05/2025 21:28

Burntt · 30/05/2025 21:25

Maybe this is the type of relationship she wants. Or she’s accepting what it is because she understands he’s got some deep rooted thing that barrs him from classifying what they have as a ‘relationship’. If they are exclusive then it sort of it one after all.

i think I’d let it be. Unless she says she wants kids. Then I’d not bring it up but every time she says about wanting kids or says about seeing him make a comment that he’s wasting her time and this could cost her her chance at motherhood. Then change the subject

Why would anyone want that though?

Sounds as if she's deluding herself that he'll eventually come around.

ManchesterGirl2 · 30/05/2025 21:31

Does she actually want to settle down in a committed relationship? It's not compulsory.

Living an independent life and having someone who makes her laugh and is good in bed might be ideal for her.

Missj25 · 30/05/2025 21:33

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 19:52

She is mid 30s and child free. She has been sleeping with the same man on and off for around 15 years. He has never wanted a relationship.

She has had a couple of short lived relationships in that time, and he’s had a few dates and one night stands. About four years ago she met a (I thought) nice man who wanted a proper relationship, and told the other man she wasn’t going to be seeing him any more. After about three months she ended it with the boyfriend, got back in touch immediately with the other man, and resumed things with him.

They now see each other every couple of weeks. Always at his house. Always to play darts or pool and have a drink. They text numerous times a day. He doesn’t want a relationship, but she says she’s made it clear that if he slept with another woman, or was speaking to one with that intention, she’d be done and he’d be blocked. Neither of them have slept with anyone else for years. They’ve booked a weekend away and she’s really excited, as if he’s proposed.

AIBU to think she’s wasting her best years with him, he’ll never commit, and she’s wasting the chance to find someone to settle down properly with? I have told her this but she laughs and says he ‘makes her laugh and is good in bed’. I just think it’s a bit pathetic and am worried she’ll end up 50 and alone when he meets someone he’s actually serious about.

I think she sounds happy ..
Not every woman wants kids & live in partner ..
She’s having fun, & to be honest, 2 people still getting together after 15 years , still making one another laugh & great sex , going away for a weekend together now , do care for one another a lot , despite how casual it may seem ..

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 21:39

JustMeHello · 30/05/2025 21:24

Hasn't she been to the cinema or out for a meal in 15 years? Can those things only be done with a committed partner?

If she's unhappy with her life and wishes she had something other than what she has, then yes she could perhaps set her sights higher. Otherwise, let her crack on, and accept that different people want different things in life.

Show quote history

I get that but surely you should want to do these things with a partner?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 21:40

Ohgodohgod · 30/05/2025 21:15

Does she talk about wanting kids or marriage? Does she think this guy will one day give her those things? If the answer to either of those questions is yes, then sure, she’s probably making a mistake. But it’s her mistake to make.

She doesn’t want kids but I think she’d jump at the chance of marrying him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 21:40

jetlag92 · 30/05/2025 21:28

Why would anyone want that though?

Sounds as if she's deluding herself that he'll eventually come around.

Show quote history

This is what I think she’s doing.

OP posts:
JustMeHello · 30/05/2025 21:40

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 21:39

I get that but surely you should want to do these things with a partner?

Show quote history

You SHOULD want to do them with a partner? Why? It's common to, but it isn't compulsory.

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 21:41

Missj25 · 30/05/2025 21:33

I think she sounds happy ..
Not every woman wants kids & live in partner ..
She’s having fun, & to be honest, 2 people still getting together after 15 years , still making one another laugh & great sex , going away for a weekend together now , do care for one another a lot , despite how casual it may seem ..

Show quote history

She definitely cares for him but when her parent died a couple of years ago he didn’t even bother coming to the funeral, just showed his face for a few hours at the wake.

OP posts:
Missj25 · 30/05/2025 21:53

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 21:41

She definitely cares for him but when her parent died a couple of years ago he didn’t even bother coming to the funeral, just showed his face for a few hours at the wake.

Show quote history

If he went to the wake , he did show at the funeral !
It’s a not showing for any of it would indicate disrespect 🤷🏻‍♀️..

Kissedbyfire1 · 30/05/2025 21:57

15 years in. Makes her laugh. Good in bed. #winning

Sherararara · 30/05/2025 21:57

Yes I agree with you OP sounds like she has wasted her time. She probably knows this deep down but is afraid to admit it to herself and clings to the small hope that it’s only a matter of time he will change one of these days.

zoemum2006 · 30/05/2025 21:58

It all depends how happy and satisfied she is. Does she seems unhappy to you? It's really nothing to do with your feelings, opinions, standards or values on life as that is to shape how you to live your own life.

Mum2jenny · 30/05/2025 22:00

OP it’s your friends choice and as long as she is happy with her decision, it’s nothing to do with you. Just butt out is my opinion.

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:01

zoemum2006 · 30/05/2025 21:58

It all depends how happy and satisfied she is. Does she seems unhappy to you? It's really nothing to do with your feelings, opinions, standards or values on life as that is to shape how you to live your own life.

Edited

I know that, we’re just very close and I’d hate to see her alone in 20 years time because he meets someone he’s actually wants to settle down and have kids with because she’s just been a way to have fun while he’s waiting for someone he actually wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:02

Missj25 · 30/05/2025 21:53

If he went to the wake , he did show at the funeral !
It’s a not showing for any of it would indicate disrespect 🤷🏻‍♀️..

Show quote history

I think he should’ve been in the car with her supporting her, not rocking up afterwards.

OP posts:
ElaineAndBarbara · 30/05/2025 22:02

What’s your definition of “settling down”, OP?

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