To think my friend should set her standards higher?

[Nobivucy]

She is mid 30s and child free. She has been sleeping with the same man on and off for around 15 years. He has never wanted a relationship.

She has had a couple of short lived relationships in that time, and he’s had a few dates and one night stands. About four years ago she met a (I thought) nice man who wanted a proper relationship, and told the other man she wasn’t going to be seeing him any more. After about three months she ended it with the boyfriend, got back in touch immediately with the other man, and resumed things with him.

They now see each other every couple of weeks. Always at his house. Always to play darts or pool and have a drink. They text numerous times a day. He doesn’t want a relationship, but she says she’s made it clear that if he slept with another woman, or was speaking to one with that intention, she’d be done and he’d be blocked. Neither of them have slept with anyone else for years. They’ve booked a weekend away and she’s really excited, as if he’s proposed.

AIBU to think she’s wasting her best years with him, he’ll never commit, and she’s wasting the chance to find someone to settle down properly with? I have told her this but she laughs and says he ‘makes her laugh and is good in bed’. I just think it’s a bit pathetic and am worried she’ll end up 50 and alone when he meets someone he’s actually serious about.

I spent my married life being controlled by my late husband. It wasn't until I was out of the marriage that I realised I had been abused. My situationship bloke is the antithesis of my husband. He's laid back, never judges me, doesn't go mad when I forget something, doesn't deliberately wait until I'm trapped on a car journey so he can explode at me for hours. etc. What I've got with him is priceless and unless you've experienced an abusive relationship, you won't understand why some women and men are reluctant to commit.even if they haven't experienced abuse, some ppl just like being mavericks.

But she doesn't need commitment if she isn't in a timeline e.g she doesn't want a baby and won't be timed out.

So she's made a decision that she wants this man more than she wants commitment with a man. Trust your friend to know her own mind.

Your internalised misogyny is so strong.

I’ve always thought of myself as a feminist so I’m surprised by this. I thought people would agree that he’s stringing her along until he finds someone he wants to settle down with. I also thought people would agree he should be there for her when times are rough.

You don't do as much thinking as you do assuming.

I also thought people would agree he should be there for her when times are rough.

Completely depends on their relationship. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't come to an important life event with me, but maybe she didn't want or need him there?

You said she's pathetic.

That she's 'wasting her best years' where she's beautiful - you mentioned her looks, on a man who doesn't want to commit to her when that's what she should, in your opinion be looking for.

That you're frightened of her being alone at 50 because he'll dump her for a younger model that he'll commit to because in your opinion, she's now just being used for sex and convenience.

Of course your views are misogynistic.

You're not in the slightest bit being a feminist when you're judging a woman for not using her best, most beautiful years to get a man to commit to her because that should be the ultimate goal of women. To want a man to commit to them so they won't risk being shock horror, not in a relationship at 50 when the men want younger women.

She did. She was hurt he wouldn’t come in the funeral car with her and she was very upset he didn’t come to any of the pregnancy appointments with her, except the last one which he only offered to do when she got upset and angry with him.

Well then she either accepts the man she wants doesn't want to do that for her, or she accepts he's not the man for her.

If she's been happy (to him) with a FWBs kind of scenario, it's not a surprise he doesn't view it as his role to be a supporting figure in times like that.

But it's entirely her decision. She can ask for more of she wants more but she can't make him give it. If she's not asking for more, maybe it's because she knows he won't give it and she isn't ready to end it.

But after each of those time, she chose to continue the relationship, so she can't have been that upset about it.

She is actively choosing this lifestyle, this relationship, this man.

Who are you to tell her she's wrong?

I think the people answering you on here are seeing this only through one lens. You are seeing it through another lens (and presumably with the additional benefit of knowing of your friend). It could be that she's extremely happy with the set up as it is. It could be that she's desperately hoping he'll eventually change his mind. Or it could be that she's settling for this type of relationship because she wants him and nobody else compares.

I spent a few years in something extremely similar to what your friend has. I pretended to myself and to him for most of that time that I was really happy and didn't want more. I convinced myself it was worth it because we got on so well, had great sex, were always laughing, and most of the people I knew in long term committed relationships were unhappy. It was only when he got up one day and moved city without even telling me that I realised how far down his list I was. I'd never do it again.

This is exactly it! One day he could just say he’s met someone else and he’s getting married without a care in the world for my friend. Or, as you say, up and leave the country.

But your husband could do that too. There's plenty of evidence on this site that it happens with disturbing regularity!

I think it’s lovely and very loyal for you to care so much about your friend Nobivucy, she’s lucky to have that but there’s nothing you can do. Constantly worrying isn’t going to be good for you either.

Yeah, that's misogyny.

You said she is pathetic.

Your title says she should 'set her standards higher' as you think she has 'low' standards having sex with a man who isn't committing to her.

Your entire attitude is misogynistic. You're not just concerned about her, you think women who have sex with men without commitment have 'low standards' and are pathetic.

They should be spending their 'best years' trying to hook a man to commit to them because that should be the goal in your opinion of women.

Especially since as you say in your opinion, she could end up alone at 50 when her looks have faded and the man/men won't want her anymore.

Even if it happened that he decides to move on when she's 50, why are you assuming she won't be able to find a relationship?

Misogyny is why.

perhaps she'll find someone else if he does. Or perhaps she'll be perfectly happy alone.

It's not just a choice of happily married vs sad spinster. Millions of people prefer to be alone that in an unhappy relationship.

You seem to be very traditional in your thinking. Nobody knows what the future holds - your DH could die early (obviously I hope not) and your kids move out so you could both be "alone" in your 50s or 60s - but she will still be confident going out and living a full life just has she has been, whereas you seem to think that even going to the cinema will be impossible and you'll live the next 30 years as a bereaved hermit.

The way things are now, it's completely open to her if she randomly meets someone else she likes more to dump this guy with no loss - perhaps she's the one using him!

I take your points on board and will think about them, but I’ve had my fair share of one night stands and casual sex. I couldn’t care less about that. It’s that she is rejecting other potential relationships for this man which worries me.

If men chat her up and ask if she’s in a relationship she says yes, and calls this man her boyfriend to strangers (and I doubt he does the same). She is basically being faithful to someone she’s not in a relationship with so missing out even on one night stands.

You’re getting a hard time on this thread OP, I’m not really sure why. I think your concerns sound valid, but unfortunately only your friend really has the power to change the situation, and it sounds like she’s not there yet.

Are they still together ?

Thank you.

Some people are trying to suggest I spend all day every day thinking about it, but I obviously don’t. I created this thread because she told me they’d booked their weekend abroad and she was really happy, and I felt for her that something so minor made her so happy. Although, I never in a million years thought they’d ever go on holiday together.

So?

Stop projecting your idea of what she should want on her.

It really is nothing to do with you.

And your judgements on how pathetic she is and how low her standards are based on what YOU think she should want out of life are clearly misogynistic.

You're not being a good friend judging her choices or life or expectations.

You positioning yourself as a good friend or a feminist seems inaccurate.

Put your energy into your own life.

I have no idea, it was 25-30 years ago and they were both in their late 50s. I lost touch after I changed jobs. However, they'd been happy like that for at least 20 years, so in my opinion, even if they didn't last til death, it was still right for them.

OP, I really think it's worth considering the language you use to talk about your friend's relationship, and think about whether you use it to her. Things like comparing her relationship to "a proper relationship", it being a "shame" she doesn't see him midweek, that she "should" want to do xyz with him. If she's on the receiving end of this frequently (and you say you've talked to her many times, so I suspect she is) then you're either getting in her head and making her doubt herself or feel that there's something wrong with her, or you're really getting her irritated.

So you don’t think it’s going to backfire on her badly?