To think my friend should set her standards higher?

[Nobivucy]

She is mid 30s and child free. She has been sleeping with the same man on and off for around 15 years. He has never wanted a relationship.

She has had a couple of short lived relationships in that time, and he’s had a few dates and one night stands. About four years ago she met a (I thought) nice man who wanted a proper relationship, and told the other man she wasn’t going to be seeing him any more. After about three months she ended it with the boyfriend, got back in touch immediately with the other man, and resumed things with him.

They now see each other every couple of weeks. Always at his house. Always to play darts or pool and have a drink. They text numerous times a day. He doesn’t want a relationship, but she says she’s made it clear that if he slept with another woman, or was speaking to one with that intention, she’d be done and he’d be blocked. Neither of them have slept with anyone else for years. They’ve booked a weekend away and she’s really excited, as if he’s proposed.

AIBU to think she’s wasting her best years with him, he’ll never commit, and she’s wasting the chance to find someone to settle down properly with? I have told her this but she laughs and says he ‘makes her laugh and is good in bed’. I just think it’s a bit pathetic and am worried she’ll end up 50 and alone when he meets someone he’s actually serious about.

100% this guy will find a younger woman, get married very, very quickly and leave your friend high and dry.

Yes, this is what I think. I have been surprised to be told Im misogynistic because of my worry about this.

"Internalized misogyny does not refer outright to a belief in the inferiority of women. It refers to the byproducts of this societal view that cause women to shame, doubt, and undervalue themselves and others of their gender. It shows up even in the most feminist and socially conscious of us. And it's insidious"

Yes it's misogyny on your part because as your title says, you think your friend 'should set her standards higher' which are based on your misogynistic views that women can't possibly be happy without being in a committed relationship with a man and don't believe women including your friend might not want that

And your view of women not wanting that but being happy to be in a sexual relationship means they have low standards if they're engaged in a non-committed relationship with a man and you fear that your friend is 'wasting her best years' (her best years in your opinion based on her physical attraciveness) and that your friend is risking being alone at 50 because her current sexual partner will have inevitably left her for a younger and therefore in your view, more attractive woman.

So you're not just worried that she'll be left by her current sexual partner but are also concerned about her ability to attract any man into a committed relationship once she's 50 and older.

You shame, doubt and undervalue other women. That's internalised misogyny.

Then she can find someone else too 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ooof, so close. Why isn't happy enough? What does she have to be settled for that to be enough for you?!

She’s obviously very attracted to him, and that’s incredibly hard to undo, even though her circumstances with regard to having children sound precarious. There’s not really anything you can do apart from offering (gentle) advice. It’s her life at the end of the day.

How are they precarious? She’s childfree. She’s also as free to drop him and move on as he is (in fact, she’s the one that actually did that before coming to the conclusion that a traditional relationship didn’t appeal).

It sounds like they’re upfront with each other too, so it’s hardly like either of them is stringing the other along.

It's not precarious. She doesn't want children. She got pregnant, by him, and chose to terminate.

If she wanted both children and him, she would have kept the baby and voila, she has children and he's tied to her.

She could but only after she recovers from a massive blow but he will be alright.

Because she obviously wants to be in a relationship if she’s left current man for the man I liked. She wants to be settled and I think she deserves to be.

It was silly really. Silly things. Not really a traditional relationship, he wasn’t exactly putting on her. He wanted to go shopping with her. Apparently this is awful. He’d want to go to bed before midnight. Heinous, apparently. He’d want to spend nights at hers when they went to bed at a normal time, woke up sober, went to work, etc. I did tell her that this was a man in it for the long term, who’d be an actual partner and there for her.

But no, she wanted current man who sees her for an alcoholic drink every couple of weeks if she’s lucky. She’s worth so much more.

Yes, she did do this. I supported her thoroughly but it should’ve been him.

Not everyone wants the LTR, mortgage, Kids lifestyle and if she's happy then be happy for her.
Don't judge her choices if you want to keep her Friendship.

She ended that relationship though, so clearly she didn't want to settle for being settled!
She doesn't want what you think she should want. Whatever you think of him, the current man makes her happy and evidently has done for years. If it fucks up then it fucks up, but it doesn't help either of you if you keep assuming she can only be happy if she ticks all of the conventional boxes that you have.

She doesn’t want ‘more’. You seem to be incapable of understanding that she doesn’t want what you think she should, and that what you see call ‘more’ is about as appealing to her as being shot in the face.

One person’s heaven is another person’s hell, and what you see as something to aspire to isn’t what she wants for her own life. She isn’t you, and she doesn’t need to conform to your way of thinking. If she’s truly your friend then respect her enough to accept that, even if you can’t understand it.

The man you liked.

I can see why you think your friend deserves more from this man, but it sounds like at this point in time, the arrangement suits both of them. It sounds as if she found the other guy she met a bit suffocating. Maybe she just doesn't want the traditional married with kids, living together path.

I'm sure you care for your friend and some of this comes from a good place, but you do also come off a bit judgy and unable to understand why your version of happiness and hers aren't the same.

This also by far isn’t the worst behaviour I've seen women put up with from men on here. It seems that everything is out in the open, he's been honest about the limits of what he can offer, doesn't shag around, and hasn't lured her with false promises of marriage and children that he doesn't intend to fulfil. She seems to have friends and a full life and isn't sat around lonely waiting for a booty call.

You don't need to look too far on here to find many, many examples, sadly, of wives taking back cheating husbands many times over, or staying with vile men who barely even bother to disguise their contempt for them. Or worse, being trapped and financially unable to leave a horrid man. Fathers upping and leaving their families for months at a time and then pitching back up as if they just went to the corner shop. Men who do fuck all to help around the house and act like they deserve a medal for putting the toilet seat down once 10 years ago. Men with alcohol problems, porn addictions, using drugs, gambling.

Perhaps your friend has lurked around here and cottoned on to the fact that the marriage and kids happy ever after really isn't that, for a lot of people.

But she either didn't like the feeling of being "settled" or the man you liked wasn't the right man for her.

If he made her feel suffocated, it's because it wasn't how she wanted her life to be.

Why aren't you understanding that?