To think my friend should set her standards higher?

[Nobivucy]

She is mid 30s and child free. She has been sleeping with the same man on and off for around 15 years. He has never wanted a relationship.

She has had a couple of short lived relationships in that time, and he’s had a few dates and one night stands. About four years ago she met a (I thought) nice man who wanted a proper relationship, and told the other man she wasn’t going to be seeing him any more. After about three months she ended it with the boyfriend, got back in touch immediately with the other man, and resumed things with him.

They now see each other every couple of weeks. Always at his house. Always to play darts or pool and have a drink. They text numerous times a day. He doesn’t want a relationship, but she says she’s made it clear that if he slept with another woman, or was speaking to one with that intention, she’d be done and he’d be blocked. Neither of them have slept with anyone else for years. They’ve booked a weekend away and she’s really excited, as if he’s proposed.

AIBU to think she’s wasting her best years with him, he’ll never commit, and she’s wasting the chance to find someone to settle down properly with? I have told her this but she laughs and says he ‘makes her laugh and is good in bed’. I just think it’s a bit pathetic and am worried she’ll end up 50 and alone when he meets someone he’s actually serious about.

It sounds like a relationship in all but name, to be honest. It sounds like there’s a psychological barrier to him putting a ‘label’ on it because that somehow feels more entrapping and committed and makes him feel more vulnerable. Not putting a label on it allows it be a relationship without the acknowledgment. Basically, I think he’s kidding himself that he isn’t attached, and she’s kidding herself if she thinks that he’ll ever make it ‘official’ by marriage.

I’m sure she’s thought about it enough over 15 years. However she chooses to lead her life is not your issue. She can choose to leave at any time if she meets someone else. She hasn’t chosen to do so.

She is currently in a relationship, they’ve agreed it will be over if they see anyone else. I’ve been with DH 15 years too, we’re married, have a house, no kids.

If your friend and I both split up with our current partners, (which could happen at any time, to anyone) I’d be in the same position as her except she has her own house and what sounds like a better social life to fall back on. I’d have to move out, find somewhere to live on a single income, fight over the cat and the coffee machine. You could look at her decision as a fairly smart one; regardless, it’s her choice to make - she’s a grown woman.

Some people don't want marriage and kids and all that, and it's absolutely fine. If this works for her, it works for her.

If she gets to 50 and realises it's not what she wanted, she can still find what works for her then.

Only if she wants kids is she limited to a timeframe of when she must "settle down". And if she doesn't want to, that's valid.

The best bits of having a boyfriend without any of the bad bits. Sounds ideal to me!

OP, you honestly sound very narrow minded if well intentioned. She sounds happy and if she doesn't want kids this sounds like a winning formula. They might end up going the distance much longer than conventional couples because they aren't in each other's faces.

Your remark re the funeral vs wake is really odd. Who made you the boss of FWB funeral etiquette.?

And this doesn't suggest to you that she enjoys life differently to you?

There are a lot of benefits to having a committed partner. There's also a lot of benefits to having your own space and enjoying your own company.

If she's happy being independent while having good sex when she wants it with someone she enjoys sleeping with, what's the problem?

I love DH but if we weren't together anymore I definitely do not want anyone else in my home & space permanently.

I have asked her why she doesn’t insist on seeing him at least once a week and she says they’re too busy because either she’s out with her friends or he is. I think if he really did want her seriously then he’d be making her a priority over seeing his friends or doing sport for at least one weekend night.
But then I’d be asking to see him midweek too but she says she’d hate to have him over midweek so I am clearly not the same as her there.

But SHE'S telling you she's also too busy to facilitate him once a week so even if he suddenly decided to prioritise HER, SHE'S saying she wouldn't be up for seeing him with such frequency.

You're not actually listening to what she's telling you. It's all about what you think she should want and not about what she's telling you she actually wants. I don't know how she can be bothered maintaining a friendship with someone like you. She probably gets enough misplaced 'concern' from family members, who at least have a more of an excuse for being so emotionally invested in her relationships.

I just think it’s times like that when you see who really does care for you and for him to not go and support her made it seem to me like he’s happy to have sex with her every now and then but doesn’t want to emotionally support her.

He got her pregnant about eight years ago and then completely abandoned her to deal with the consequences. He only turned up to the last appointment because she got upset with his lack of being there. It took her a long time to recover from it and he wouldn’t talk about it at all - it was me who was there when she was falling apart. It’s not a partnership or at least he’s not a partner to her.

..while you're wasting your best years, worrying about something that doesn't concern you. Does your friend go out in her pyjamas by any chance?

YABU

OP. You are far too invested in this and aren't behaving like a friend. Go live your life how you want and let her live hers.

Yeah, I suppose this is true, but I bet you wouldn’t trade being able to sit down with your DH at the end of the day and wake up with him every morning.

Although one of the reasons she finished with the nice man was because she hated him coming over during the week and going to bed before her. I do get we’re not all the same and she doesn’t want a traditional relationship, but I wonder if she would be in one happily if it wasn’t for this man always holding her back.

In her pyjamas? No, I could never see her doing that.

😆 🤣

Maybe she has an affinity with this man that you can't fathom because you're not 'in there'. She could feel that he just gets her more than any other man does, which is worth more than any relationship. Its not like she's seeing a married man, who's holding her back.

I know right ! !
WTF 😂 😂

Seriously? You honestly can't imagine a world in which a financially independent woman wouldn't want to retain her complete autonomy and freedom? That maybe she is perfectly happy with a FWB arrangement? Regardless of what is going on with the OPs friend I find it so odd that posters can't get their head around anyone wanting something different from a narrowly defined "norm".

This comment is wild to me. How is it that you genuinely cannot fathom that people may want different things to you?

This. I love my situationship. I'm 54 and childless by choice. According to the OP I have missed out. I control and protect my own finances while having something going with a bloke who wants the same casual but exclusive arrangement that I sought. Best way I describe it is not being in each other's pockets. You can still be in love without committing.

I think you have shared your opinion and she is happy as she is. Leave her be.

She is not a child.

She maybe continuing to date seriously while keeping him around in the interim. She maybe hoping he changes his mind. She may just not want a full time man and certainly not one in her living space 100%.

She may regret nothing or regret everything. Ultimately it’s none of your business. Why do people obsess so much over everybody “meeting a nice person”. Not everybody does and that’s fine.

Also what’s wrong with being 50 and single. I will be 50 and single - how is that a bad thing?

If she does regret it….so?

Why wouldn’t somebody want it?

Not everybody desires to do the work involved in finding and maintaining a relationship.

Not everybody wants these things though OP? I never want a man living in my space full time.

I also don’t care about attending weddings or family events with a partner. I have made sure to never introduce a past partner to my family and doubt I ever will.

Maybe you're over-invested. Either way, there's sweet FA you can do about it, as it isn't your life

The thought of living with a man again makes me shiver. Having your own space is liberating, for both sexes.