To think my friend should set her standards higher?

[Nobivucy]

She is mid 30s and child free. She has been sleeping with the same man on and off for around 15 years. He has never wanted a relationship.

She has had a couple of short lived relationships in that time, and he’s had a few dates and one night stands. About four years ago she met a (I thought) nice man who wanted a proper relationship, and told the other man she wasn’t going to be seeing him any more. After about three months she ended it with the boyfriend, got back in touch immediately with the other man, and resumed things with him.

They now see each other every couple of weeks. Always at his house. Always to play darts or pool and have a drink. They text numerous times a day. He doesn’t want a relationship, but she says she’s made it clear that if he slept with another woman, or was speaking to one with that intention, she’d be done and he’d be blocked. Neither of them have slept with anyone else for years. They’ve booked a weekend away and she’s really excited, as if he’s proposed.

AIBU to think she’s wasting her best years with him, he’ll never commit, and she’s wasting the chance to find someone to settle down properly with? I have told her this but she laughs and says he ‘makes her laugh and is good in bed’. I just think it’s a bit pathetic and am worried she’ll end up 50 and alone when he meets someone he’s actually serious about.

I think she thinks booking the holiday is a sign hes more committed.

Why would that be a problem? Has she said she wants to get married/ have kids etc?

If those are her plans then yes she's wasting her time. If they aren't she can just get a new boyfriend later on.

shes obviously happy with this arrangement it’s her buisness

Living together, going to weddings together, going to each other’s family events. They do none of these things. She’s never even met his mother.

But being married is absolutely zero guarantee that she wouldn't still be on her own in 20 years. And being separate now and then alone later is a million times easier than being married and having a joint house and kids and then being alone later.

I think it’s a sign he wants a holiday.

The only thing anyone can say for sure is that it's a sign he wants a holiday with her.

I suppose you’re right. Im married and I just think it’s a shame missing out on having a proper partner to come home to, share bills with, eat your meals with and so on.

But not everyone wants that. For some people, they know they not only don't want it, but actively prefer not to have it. Just because you want it, doesn't mean everyone wants it.

Do you use that kind of language with her? That she should want certain things, and that it's a shame she doesn't have xyz? Because as someone on the receiving end of that from people, it can be exhausting to deal with.

Anyone could be left by their partner in the next twenty years. "Settling down" can mean arguing about finances and chores, constant compromise about where to live, how to spend time, how tidy the house should be... Just because you wanted to settle down, doesn't mean everyone does.

He does want her ..
15 years & they’re still together, there is no guy out there having sex with the same woman for that length of time & heading off for weekends together, spending every second sat night together that he doesn’t care about !
This is their version of settling down ….

I knew a couple years ago who bought two separate terraced houses next door to each other. They kept ownership separate, and had separate bills, but knocked through some walls to have a big shared downstairs open plan kitchen/living room, and then separate bedrooms and bathrooms upstairs with a door that connected if they wanted to, but with locks on both sides. The downstairs had a sliding divider thing so it could be two separate rooms if they had separate people round. They had lived like that for at least 20 years, no kids, no marriage, both seemed very happy with the arrangement. But people were constantly telling them they were weird to be happy with that.

You seem to know what's best for her, @Nobivucy.

Have a chat with her, why don't you?

Has he given any indication that he wants children and/or a more committed relationship than the one he's got with your friend? Maybe he's just as happy with a relationship where both parties are a bit more independent as your friend is?

Or, to put it another way, just because you like being married doesn't mean that marriage is what everyone wants.

I have asked her why she doesn’t insist on seeing him at least once a week and she says they’re too busy because either she’s out with her friends or he is. I think if he really did want her seriously then he’d be making her a priority over seeing his friends or doing sport for at least one weekend night.

But then I’d be asking to see him midweek too but she says she’d hate to have him over midweek so I am clearly not the same as her there.

You sound way too invested in her relationship.
Kindly, take a step back. If she's happy and he's happy what else is there to add?

"She's not living her life the way I think she should so she's doing it wrong"

It's her choice and not really up to you to say what she should do.

What do you hope to gain from coming on Mumsnet and egging everyone on to say she's a fool?

That sounds like utter bliss to me.

If she doesn’t want children it’s not so time sensitive. I can see that it must be worrying and frustrating for you that she seems to be letting this guy string her along, but the only person who can break the pattern is her, right? You say you think she’d jump at the chance to marry him. I wonder what shr thinks that marriage would look like. Would they be together all the time or would she seek to retain a lot of independence? I mean, if she got what you think she wants and married him, would the reality of that even be desirable to her?

I have, many times. She just shrugs it off really. To be fair, she rarely, if ever, complains about him and they never argue (so she says) so Im not saying he’s a bad person, I actually quite like him, I just think it’s a worry when the day comes that he announces that he’s met someone else and she’s given up all of these years of being able to find someone else whilst she’s at the height of her attractiveness (and she is very beautiful).

Don’t you hear all of these stories about commitment phobic men reaching middle age and settling down and having kids after keeping previous partners dangling on a string for years? That’s what I’m worried about.

Exactly..
She does her & you do you ..
I think what they have is nice actually..
No Drama , not in one another’s pockets , but they have each other at the same time & not with others .. Every second weekend, excited to see one another & plenty to converse about ..

Not a fool, just being naive to think he’ll change and one day admit he wants a committed relationship with her.

You seem to think there’s only one way to live or be and that everyone wants what you want. Your friend clearly does not. I’m not really getting why you have so much difficulty understanding this?