To think my friend should set her standards higher?

[Nobivucy]

She is mid 30s and child free. She has been sleeping with the same man on and off for around 15 years. He has never wanted a relationship.

She has had a couple of short lived relationships in that time, and he’s had a few dates and one night stands. About four years ago she met a (I thought) nice man who wanted a proper relationship, and told the other man she wasn’t going to be seeing him any more. After about three months she ended it with the boyfriend, got back in touch immediately with the other man, and resumed things with him.

They now see each other every couple of weeks. Always at his house. Always to play darts or pool and have a drink. They text numerous times a day. He doesn’t want a relationship, but she says she’s made it clear that if he slept with another woman, or was speaking to one with that intention, she’d be done and he’d be blocked. Neither of them have slept with anyone else for years. They’ve booked a weekend away and she’s really excited, as if he’s proposed.

AIBU to think she’s wasting her best years with him, he’ll never commit, and she’s wasting the chance to find someone to settle down properly with? I have told her this but she laughs and says he ‘makes her laugh and is good in bed’. I just think it’s a bit pathetic and am worried she’ll end up 50 and alone when he meets someone he’s actually serious about.

Has she told you that’s what she wants? Or are you assuming because that’s what you’d want in her position and you can’t imagine anyone feeling differently?

So he hasn't given any indication that that's what he'll do, you're just letting your imagination run wild.

She's not you. She doesn't have to make the same choices in life that you have made. Just because she's chosen a different path to you doesn't mean she's wrong.

I understand what you’re saying, I just think she does want it, with him, and is hoping if she waits around long enough he’ll change.

As above. Has she told you that’s what she wants? Or are you assuming because that’s what you’d want in her position and you can’t imagine anyone feeling differently?

It does sound nice when you say it like that, but never being told that your partner loves you? Not having them with you when your parent dies? It’s nice when the going’s good but there is no support when it’s not.

😂👏

When she briefly got together with the nice man a few years ago she admitted to me that she broke it off with current man because nice man was interested in a proper committed relationship whilst current man wasn’t. She was hoping that current man would see her in a relationship with someone else and realise what he’d lost and offer her a relationship with him.

It sounds like she has the set up that is perfect for her, but is wary of telling you to wind it in.

She's happy
Doesn't want children
Doesn't want him in her space midweek
Good relationship/great sex
She's self-sufficient and seems to have a good social network.
Has no problem finding other relationships (She's even dumping men)

Maybe she just doesn't want what you want, and that's fine.

Does she ever report to you that this relationship falls short, or are you the one always sharing your thoughts on how she should be conducting her life?

I would say that she could fall back on her friends if the worst comes to worst but as you seem obsessed with thinking you know what she wants more than she does, I'm not sure that would be for the best.

She was hoping that current man would see her in a relationship with someone else and realise what he’d lost and offer her a relationship with him.

Did she actually say this?

If you keep bringing this up to her, telling her what she should be wanting, what she should be expecting, or that there's something wrong with her for not wanting what you want, I can't see this friendship ending well OP.

Either she'll get fed up with it and tell you to back off, or she'll gradually fade you out or cut you off. Or she'll doubt herself so much she'll insist on more from the bloke and either they break up, or they get married and it won't work because it's not actually what they want. And if that happens then she may remember how much you nagged.

She’ll often say things like a few weeks ago we were in a new pub that’s opened with a beautiful view over a lake. She told me that she’d text him to say she’d found the perfect wedding venue and he’d replied saying ‘you’ll have to find someone to marry first’.

I feel a bit sorry for her over how excited she is for their holiday too. It’s as if he’s thrown her a crumb and she’s so grateful.

It’s clear that you would want these things, but that doesn’t mean she does. You’re projecting an awful lot of your own wants onto her here. Maybe she is making a mistake, but it’s entirely up to her to do so. I think you need to take a step back and stop telling your friend what’s good for her. Has she ever asked for your opinion on the subject?

It sounds like the perfect relationship to me! Not everyone wants to commit, or to live with someone else. Let her live her life the way she wants to, it's nothing to do with you.

Stop projecting, let her live her life. Not everyone wants what you want, others would think your life required an intervention, but you’re happy and that’s the main thing. Let her be happy too.

Not those words but if we call nice man Tom and current man Ben she told Ben she had a date lined up with Tom, and did say she was hoping he’d ask her not to go on it. She did and it went well and they got together and ended things with Ben.

Ben text her once during the relationship to let her know something about a book she’d lent him and she said ‘I didn’t know what that was going to say when Ben’s name flashed up. I’m not sure what I’d have done if it had been to ask me back with more commitment’ or words to that effect.

I know people are saying I think I know her better than she knows herself but there is no doubt what she’d have done if it - she’d have went back to Ben in a heartbeat.

Not directly but we chat about everything. I don’t bring it up every time I see her or anything. We were at a wedding last weekend and she said ‘if I got married I would…’ and I just thought ‘well if you want that, you need to find another man’.

Maybe just don’t bring it up at all. It’s clearly bothering you, and I can understand you’re feeling like you’re watching her make a bit mistake, but ultimately she is an adult and it’s her mistake to make. Just talk about something else. She’ll end up resenting you if you keep going on about it. She also might end up feeling she can’t talk to you if it does end badly for her because she expect you to say “I told you so”.

Yeah, I mean I don’t say half of what I’ve said in this thread to her face and I don’t go on about it. I just sometimes ask ‘do you not fancy doing something different with him’ or whatever. I just can’t understand why she’s accepting scraps from him instead of moving on and finding someone who will offer her commitment.

Her argument is that things have gradually progressed. There was a time she’d have not thought twice about going out with or sleeping with someone else but she wouldn’t now, and that he know if there’s anyone else then she’s done. I said he could lie but she says anyone could, which is true I guess.

That’s just it ..
She has gone back to Ben, & Ben messaging her about a book when he knew she was with someone else , was to obviously talk to her cause he missed her ..
I mean come on , messaging her about a book ,
If you’re not interested in someone, you don’t look for an excuse to talk to them ..

Well she had her own brain so doesn't need her thinking done for her? Maybe women need to make their own decisions and not have other people do their thinking for them?

It works for her, sure she may wake up in 10 or so years ans think why but that is on her, she may not regret a thing

You're not wrong. Plenty of recent posts about women wasting their lives and fertile years with waster men.

She won't be told though.

I've been single for ages. Not looking for a relationship either. I frequently eat out, go to movies, and go on vacations. I have friends and family. Sometimes I even do those things alone.

I would let her be. If she doesn’t want kids then what’s the harm?

Just because you settle down with someone doesn’t mean it’s going to last… I knew a woman who had a long term relationship and was due to get married. During the start of Covid they broke up. By the summer she was pregnant to another guy she started seeing. That didn’t last. Then a year and half ago she met someone else and had a kid to him. All this in the space of five years.