To think my friend should set her standards higher?

[Nobivucy]

She is mid 30s and child free. She has been sleeping with the same man on and off for around 15 years. He has never wanted a relationship.

She has had a couple of short lived relationships in that time, and he’s had a few dates and one night stands. About four years ago she met a (I thought) nice man who wanted a proper relationship, and told the other man she wasn’t going to be seeing him any more. After about three months she ended it with the boyfriend, got back in touch immediately with the other man, and resumed things with him.

They now see each other every couple of weeks. Always at his house. Always to play darts or pool and have a drink. They text numerous times a day. He doesn’t want a relationship, but she says she’s made it clear that if he slept with another woman, or was speaking to one with that intention, she’d be done and he’d be blocked. Neither of them have slept with anyone else for years. They’ve booked a weekend away and she’s really excited, as if he’s proposed.

AIBU to think she’s wasting her best years with him, he’ll never commit, and she’s wasting the chance to find someone to settle down properly with? I have told her this but she laughs and says he ‘makes her laugh and is good in bed’. I just think it’s a bit pathetic and am worried she’ll end up 50 and alone when he meets someone he’s actually serious about.

Do you spend time on redpill sites OP?

Her friend does not want children.

I agree your friend sounds like she is being an idiot for this man.

But you have shared how you feel. The only person who can change things is her. You cannot nag her into letting him go.

Just have to respect she is an adult and can make her own mistakes

Although one of the reasons she finished with the nice man was because she hated him coming over during the week and going to bed before her. I do get we’re not all the same and she doesn’t want a traditional relationship, but I wonder if she would be in one happily if it wasn’t for this man always holding her back.

Going by this it does not sound like she would be happy in a traditional relationship.

Not necessarily. Just as easily do with friends.

Yep. Been in a relationship for 9 years. Don't live together. Like my own space

Great isn't it. I do find when he comes round, he can get in my way in my small kitchen. He every so often pushes it a bit and we joke we are going into relationship territory! Lovely when they've gone home but you've had a nice night x

God I can't think of anything worse than someone being there when I go to sleep and wake up, day in day out, year after year. For me that would be suffocating. For your it wouldn't and that's equally cool. Different strokes for different folks.
Your friend seems happy with her set up, which I think sounds perfect for those of us who need our own space and don't feel the pressure to to things the more conventional way.

Stop being a Smug Married.

She chose that life so she bears the consequences. It’s 15 years, she’s had a good long preview. If that’s what she settles for then that is what she will get. No use spending energy worrying about her because she clearly isn’t.

I don’t know what that means.

I’m not. I haven’t got a perfect marriage.

I know. I just think she could do better. She reckons he’s changed since the pregnancy and her last relationship. I don’t think leopards change their spots.

I completely understand where you're coming from @Nobivucy because if your friend is thinking of marriage and getting excited for this weekend away, she's hoping he will change for her, but surely that's not going happen if it hasn't happened in the past 15 years.

However, if she is happy, then what can you realistically do?

A friend of a friend was like this, she had an affair with a married man with a young family, who kept promising he would leave his wife when the time was right. He isolated this friend encouraging her to get her own flat as he felt judged by her flatmates when he would appear for his fleeting visits filled with promises. After years of this, friend finally realised he was never going to change. However, the married guy did leave his wife and then promptly got with a completely different woman who friend suspected had been on the scene longer than was made public.

I’m not sure why she’s being painted as a victim of him, when she’s a grown woman with her own agency that could walk away if this didn’t suit her.

Not everyone wants a ‘traditional’ relationship, and while this type of arrangement isn’t your ideal, your ideal is going to be a repellent prospect to someone else. Such is life. What matters is what she wants, not what anyone else thinks she ‘should’ want.

Her friend got pregnant and went to the appointments.

OP says her friend went to appointment plural, not for an abortion.

If your friend is happy having a relationship and remaining living alone, then I don't see anything wrong with this. Providing there is no false expectations and they are both faithful to each other.

Sounds like hell to me.
I don't mind having a bit of romance in my life, but living with a partner is a thing I will never do again.

I was in a relationship like your friend's and it was absolutely perfect for me.

That may or may not be her problem long term. Often the values and norms we have do not transmit to family or friends in the same way. She has her own criteria I suppose which doesn't align with her. All you can do is advise and let them get on with it.

It was for an abortion. There were several appointments.

So by her own admittance she only went with the other ‘committed’ man in the hope of forcing her ‘non committed’ man to be committed? Yet you were hoping she’d found a good man to settle down with. Maybe she’s the commitment phobe? Perhaps settling with another man would have meant her having to have children she doesn’t want. Are you worried she’ll look back on her life with regret? Perhaps she’ll have wonderful memories of the great times they had, if they split eventually.

You're being judgemental and misogynistic OP.

50 and ALONE, oh my god, what worse thing for a woman!!! I mean THE ONLY outcome allowed for women is to have a partner.

Give her some credit for making decisions she wants to make .

You have a very old-fashioned attitude. That womens happiness should be based on trying to find a man who'll commmit to her and worrying she'll end up alone at 50.

This is exactly it, he isn’t going to change and suddenly want to commit to her.

I will say though that one of the things she says she likes about him is that he’s not controlling or possessive or anything like this awful married man sounds like he is. She was in an abusive relationship with a controlling man for several years in her late teens and early 20s and I don’t think she’d have that again. A bit amateur psychology but I sometimes wonder if that’s why she’s avoided proper relationships.

Yes, I’m worried she’ll look back and regret wasting these years with someone who won’t commit to her. I do think she wants commitment, but is blinded because above all else she wants him.