Partner has wet the bed…

[WFHbore2023]

41 year old healthy man, never happened before, completely sober. Obviously this is concerning (and my main concern) and he will contact his doctor.

woke me up this morning saying that we need to get up and change the bed, obviously not ideal but he’s embarrassed so I just crack on. He helps me strip the bed and then goes off to shower.

I’m working today, he’s taken the children out for the day, and so I have been left with a superking duvet to wash and dry, along with mattress topper, protector, sheets and any other bedding.

AIBU to be pretty pissed off that he’s just cracked on with his day without so much as a conversation over whether or not I was ok to sort everything out this end?

Because this thread is now 35 pages long, and I have a life.
I’ve read a lot of OPs updates, but haven’t seen an answer to this question of chore sharing. What is the answer?

You don’t have to read everyone’s posts, just click See All on the OP’s post and just read her posts. If you can’t be bothered to read her posts then why comment?

I have a life too, it’s not my job to do your reading for you.

A domestic machine that takes a super king duvet and 6 pillows.... and a sheet? Doubtful.

Thanks for your help, friendly MN person!

@WFHbore2023 Look OP, I dont think you partner/dh is ill. i think it more likely that he was in a really deep sleep and was dreaming. I do though, think he is the one who should have been left doing the extra laundry which he created!! if he had even whipped everything off the bed and drove to the local launderette it might have helped instead of leaving it all to you like he had not part in wetting the bed! I wouldnt worry about people saying that he needs to get to the doctor!

I think you're being selfish. He's obviously mortified about this. Just sit him down and talk about seeing a doctor.

This thread is classic AIBU!

YANBU, but I think you should have been more assertive in the morning. When he said he was taking the kids out for the day, you could have pointed out that there was loads of laundry to do and that you wouldn't have time to do it all because you were working. I'd probably have made some suggestions eg taking it to a launderette (so he wouldn't have to stay in all day and could still do something with the kids) or doing one load before leaving and then putting on a second load as long as you'd have to time to hang it out while he was gone.

He was selfish to stay out so late and not come home and make dinner, make the bed etc. He expected you to work all day, do all the laundry, make yourself dinner and make the bed yourself.

He also couldn't be bothered to call the doctor and make an appointment ASAP. For a problem that's affecting you as well - and it could happen again. He could still have seen the GP or at least made an appointment and enjoy the rest of his day.

You probably need to have a conversation about the general division of labour in your house, the fact that it's unequal (I assume) and he takes you for granted.

She said she doesn't normally do the washing while she is working. She felt the need to do it because they have no other bedding and it would have reeked of wee. I would have ordered from Argos more bedding they do a pick up service on the same day or if you're lucky a delivery service. The duvet would have to be washed and dried but the rest could have been washed and hanged later. I would have ordered him to pick it up on his way home.

I’d say I do the lions share of the laundry, however I don’t think this sits within the realms of ordinary laundry - this was an excessive amount, including things that I would normally plan to wash at a time when I knew I had plenty of time to sort, not on a whim whilst I work.

a flip side of this was the question I asked earlier on in the post - if the task of cleaning the toilets was my partners responsibility, and I had a particularly messy trip to the toilet, would it be acceptable for me to just leave it for him to clean, as that’s his job? Or if I normally mop the floors would it be cool for him to walk muddy through the house and leave it for me, because I usually mop?

Did the mattress have a waterproof cover, or was the mattress swiftly replaced ? Everyone is talking about just washing sheets, duvet etc, but there’s no way that mattress could ever be used again, no matter how much bicarbonate and stain remover is used!

I think this post is absolutely spot on.

It’s not about accidentally pissing on the bed (which was obviously out of his control) it’s about all the other actions following that, including his lack of reflection on the matter when Op asked him about it later. And about OP needing to speak up more.

@WFHbore2023 have you discussed this further with him? I think YANBU in your arguments, but that will probably be a better use of your time and more effective than continually debating with posters on this.

Whether he has taken the kids out or not is irrelevant, OP is his wife and partner NOT his bloody MOTHER nor is DH a child that can or should just take for granted that someone will automatically clear up after him, especially not to wash and dry an entire bed set that he has peed in! 🙄
It was obviously an accident and yes he was probably mortified and embarrassed but the least he could have done would have been to offer to take the KING SIZE duvet to a launderette which OP said he just left her to see to...I don't even know how she would fit that into a washing machine as we have a large sized washer and cannot fit even a double into it?! 🤔
There needs to be a serious discussion and an apology made ASAP!! 😡

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Another one completely missing the point of OP's thread.

Deliberately obtuse or just thick?

That is what they did at the start.
Did you miss it?

Was this more important than what caused him to wet his bed?

He woke you up and told you. Then he took the kids out. Did he want to remove them so that they didn't know? I hope they didn't find out, at least not before the cause is known.

I hope you went with him to the doctor, to show your concern? I don't think he would have wet the bed on purpose?

What if this is the first of many? You say partner? Not spouse?

Are you more angry over the washing, or are you making that a reason, when perhaps you are debating whether you should stay in the relationship?

Suppose it was you, what would you expect him to do?

Was this more important than what caused him to wet his bed? No, I did say in the OP that the main concern was why.
He woke you up and told you. Then he took the kids out. Did he want to remove them so that they didn't know? No, he wanted to go out because he had taken the day off to look after them and that’s what he prefers to do with them
hope they didn't find out, at least not before the cause is known. No, why would they know?
I hope you went with him to the doctor, to show your concern? He hasn’t made an appointment yet.
I don't think he would have wet the bed on purpose? Me neither.
What if this is the first of many? Then that really would be a cause for concern, wouldn’t it? You say partner? Yes. Not spouse? No.
Are you more angry over the washing, or are you making that a reason, when perhaps you are debating whether you should stay in the relationship? Nope, just miffed over the assumption that I would do it.
Suppose it was you, what would you expect him to do? No, I absolutely would not expect him to, unless I physically was unable to. Which wasn’t the case here.

HTH.

Blimey are you still going on.

God I know, the absolute audacity of me to post on a thread I made.

Is he an elephant? Peeing the bed would generate 2 loads of laundry surely? One of covers and pyjamas, one of duvet and pillows or 3 if you're machine needs duvet and pillow done separately.

Thanks for the additional info.

In response to your hypotheticals, if they were deliberate (or self inflicted) eg the messy toilet being because you’d got yourself ridiculously drunk and thrown up etc, then of course you should sort things out yourself. The trailing mud thing is an obvious no-go.
If the mess is due to some, as yet unidentified, medical or other issue, then yes, I’d expect the person in charge of that chore to be sympathetic and do the clean up.

I don’t know. There’s an edge to your posts that suggests there’s more to it than this. There’s no spirit of ‘partnership’ or mutual support.
As such, it’s hard to tell if YABU, because I don’t think we have the whole story.
He took the day off to take care of the kids, and this is what he did. It feels like you are trying to martyr yourself in a situation that just needs empathy and unconditional support. OR there are other rumblings of a lack of appreciation and complacency that you are unwilling to acknowledge right now.

Either way, I’m glad this situation is happily settled. I hope there isn’t another on the horizon because you haven’t resolved an underlying issue.

I think that you’ve hit the nail on the head with ‘no spirit of partnership’, except that you are seeing that from me, whereas thats exactly how I feel from the expectation that I’ll just crack on with it. Doesn’t feel very partnershippy to me.

Again, first load was the duvet. Second was the mattress topper. 3rd was the mattress protector. 4th was the sheets and throws.

And presumably that’s not just from this one incident. Are you feeling like this generally?

so, in a general day to day kids at school, him at work and me either working or not (part time) then we each do our own taken on roles and all is fine. If I ever feel like I’m taking on an unfair load, I say. Most of the time he listens to that, sometimes he’ll gripe that he ‘does more than some of his friends’ but I always shut that down.
during school holidays I feel like it’s very much on me to continue to do the things that I do around the house (more than him due to work hours) AND look after the kids.
when he looks after the kids, then he looks after the kids. And that’s all. General little tasks that don’t particularly fall to anyone get ignored. And whilst that’s a bit annoying, it’s not the end of the world.
i have taken the assumption that I pick up the slack with regards to the soiled bedding without a prior discussion to be a lack of respect towards me.