To just want my dad to die

[microplasticmum]

He’s not unwell, nor particularly old. Just a complete bully and colossal pain in my arse. He’s still married to my mum, happily even. I have no idea what she sees in him. I want my son to have a relationship with his lovely nana, but I just cannot stand being around my dad. I just want him to hurry up and have that coronary so we can see my mum in peace.

Nice

I totally understand this feeling.

Well if your Mum loves him and he makes her happy why would you want her to be sad. She can have a relationship with your son without losing her husband, and would a better relationship with your son compensate for the loss of her husband?

I feel the same. It’s not something you are ever allowed to voice irl. I want my mum to have a life after decades of pandering to his crap.

I recognise I am being selfish. However, I do think my mum is the singular person on this planet that seems to be okay with him. Even then, I don’t know too much about the state of their marriage- just that it’s somehow still going with no outward signs of discontent (and this is baffling to me).

No, we don't have to be nice about abusive bullies.

How will your happily married Mum be in peace if her husband dies?
She's more likely to be in pieces!!

Can you be honest with your mum and say you want to spend time with her without him around?

How awful is he? Does he have any redeeming qualities?

I think I have that difficult conversation looming. I’m expecting her to be quite defensive about him, because she usually is. Otherwise she is an extremely conscientious intelligent person, she just has this massive blind spot when it comes to my dad. I think part of her knows just how unreasonable his behaviour is and it embarrasses her.

…honestly I can’t wait for my Mum to die, she’s been an abusive selfish bully her whole life. Quite the worst person you might meet.
She’s in a Care Home now, having been paralysed by a stroke … she’s miserable in there, she have no sympathy.

Unless you have had an abusive parent, I think it’s hard to relate

I do not have one happy memory of him. Not one. My childhood was filled with screaming, hitting (often with belts) and walking on eggshells. He has an absolutely explosive temper which I desperately want to keep away from my son.

This 100%

It's not something you can say IRL.

I wouldn't see him or let your children have any contact with him, you can see mum on her own.

I feel exactly the same about my monster of a father. I don’t even like to use that word (father) because he’s been such an abusive bastard all my life. He physically, sexually and emotionally abused me as a child. I’ve been no contact for years and I’ll dance on his grave when he dies.

What did your mum do when your dad was abusive to you? Was he abusive to her as well?

Mum would try and stand between us and stop him, she would usually fail. I never witnessed any physical abuse between my parents, there was a lot of financially controlling behaviour and the odd episode of verbal abuse.

I know exactly what you mean about avoiding the word! I really struggle to say it out loud.

My father was similar and my mum basically retreated into complete denial of what he was like. He was jealous and wouldn't have let me see her on her own - yep his own daughter. You have my sympathies and understanding OP.

I totally get it, OP; I wish I didn't, but I unfortunately do. Those who, thank God, have not been abused by the people they should be cared for and loved by the most, won't understand.

The only thing I would add is that I hope you can find ways to not let the bitterness and rage overcome you; it's so natural to have those emotions, but it's like that old adage of bitterness being like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die of it. I have had to choke those feelings down till I thought I'd implode from it, so so SO many times, and had to learn how to deal with/channel them. I don't always succeed, but I have found ways within myself to manage more of the time than not. Hope that makes sense. My heart goes out to the child you were, and the woman who still carries that pain.

I feel the same about my mother’s husband. My kids refuse to visit now. And I support them in that. I go because I respect my mother’s decision. She was worn down by him years ago. My siblings and I take mum out once a month to see her on her own. Which works well. But he sucks the joy out of every single thing or moment. It is exhausting. And it must be a miserable life for him.

I think I'd find it hard to forgive my mum, re your recent posts. She enabled him to carry on abusing you, by choosing him, no matter how much she tried to mitigate things. She's certainly culpable.

I find it hard to understand how a parent can allow the abuse of their child.
So the fact you are still close to your mother says a lot about your strong character.

Those thoughts may come back and bite you on the arse when does die

Dont focus your finite energy on things you cant control (wishing him dead) - instead take positive steps to heal from his abuse so that you can be the best parent you can to your DC (this isnt always being the opposite of that parent - their abuse will have damaged our emotional growth and we need to re-parent ourselves).

Dont assume he will go first and hold back your relationship with your DM until that day. That didnt pan out for me. My DM died relatively suddenly and young (62) while he lived on until 85. I am sure the stress caused her cancer. Protect your DS, grow yourself and cherish your DM where you can (in that order).

Dont let your DF indirectly abuse you any further by inadvertently being eaten up and preoccupied with anger and his actions. Have therapy where you learn to process and discharge the hurt from your childhood and then detach from his behaviours in adulthood. Keep yourself out of emotional punching distance and replace any intrusive thoughts of him with intentional loving and compassionate thoughts and self care for yourself.