To just want my dad to die

[microplasticmum]

He’s not unwell, nor particularly old. Just a complete bully and colossal pain in my arse. He’s still married to my mum, happily even. I have no idea what she sees in him. I want my son to have a relationship with his lovely nana, but I just cannot stand being around my dad. I just want him to hurry up and have that coronary so we can see my mum in peace.

Have you read OP’s other posts? This man physically abused her throughout her childhood including beating her with belts and gave her not one happy memory. Her feelings about this, shared on an anonymous forum, are absolutely not disgraceful.

He emotionally, verbally and physically abused her.

Karma doesn't exist - it's complete nonsense. There are vile people who go through life easily and never suffer for their cruel deeds. Meanwhile, some gentle, kind souls suffer the agony of having very sick or dead children.

Don't feel guilty about it OP. You are carrying some trauma from the past. When I was a child, I used to wish that my bullying, abusive father would die. He improved with age but I didn't shed a tear when he eventually did die at 78.

Your mother is little better than your father IMO. She failed to protect you, I wouldn't want my kid around either one of them. I'm so sorry that you had such a tough start in life. My parents weren't perfect(who is?), but I can't imagine living through anything like you describe: what's more, I doubt that anyone who hasn't had an abusive childhood can properly get where you're coming from, so ignore anyone who says that you need to be 'the bigger person' or any nonsense of that kind.

All these posters telling OP that her mother is no better... give her a break, for goodness' sake.

Dealing with the emotional fallout of an abusive childhood from one parent is more than enough for a heart to handle.

Pushing someone to the point where they feel they're supposed to emotionally orphan themselves is unacceptable.

OP will get to where she gets to with her relationship with her mother on her own damn terms. Give her the grace to feel like she at least has one parent while she still can.

My ex my child’s father is the same. Pure spite runs through his veins my DD rarely spends time with him. Not physically abusive but he literally sucks the air out of a room yet thinks he is amazing. I always just wished he’d moved to to a far flung country.

OP, my grandfather was like this. My dad left so he was like my father. He was a terrifying bully and a thoroughly unpleasant man. He eventually died at 93 and my life has been much better ever since. I knew it would be and I don’t feel any different or any guilt ten years on. It has not ever come back to bite me. I cried with relief when I saw his coffin at the funeral as it was confirmation that the bullying was over. Life would have been better for the whole family if he’d died thirty years earlier. It does get better when they’re gone and I’m so sorry it affects your relationship with your mother. He really damaged my relationship with my grandmother. I also had anger towards DM for not shielding me more from him because he was hideous to her too, but I’ve done a lot of therapy around that and my relationship with her is better now. Unmumsnetty hugs x

Why are you forgiving of her not protecting you?

I totally get how you can feel that way. I said this exact thing about my grandad, who had been an absolute pain in my mum’s life. Talking to my DH and said “I wish he’d just hurry up and die”. No existing heart issue that I knew of although he smoked and drank all day.

The next day he died. I felt a little bit guilty, like I had manifested it somehow.

However, when I told my DB that grandad had died he said “good” and went on to explain that he’d sexually abused my mum when she was a child. That was why everyone hated him.

I now feel not one jot of guilt for wishing him dead. I can only hope you have the same feeling when his time comes

Not necessarily. My father died a few months ago, and I felt sad that he had never been a happy person. But I also felt a huge weight of fear lift from me. And I felt relieved for his younger children who no longer had to live with his abuse.

Because losing both parents is utterly horrendous – if there's one you can hang on to, even if it means turning your face away from some of their behaviour, it's less agony to have to navigate.

It's perfectly understandable.

Your future DIL or SIL (being inclusive) will reciprocate - nae fear! Aye.

So go no contact. Report him. Never speak to or of him again. Don't wish death on people.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say I wished my father dead but like a pp, I’m completely ambivalent to whether he’s alive or dead. I would also struggle to think of any happy memories of him from my childhood. The difference for me is that my DM left him when I was 15 so I rarely see him.

I get it completely, can’t wait for my father in law to die. He is and was an abusive individual but is losing his ability now he gets older. My husband hates him but loves his Mum a lot. She is a great grandmother and I will not let FIL near my children.

I struggle because MIL in my eyes enabled the abuse and is still with him. Though I understand it’s not that easy or clear cut.

But we don’t have to wish them dead either l.

A lot of men take, take, take from the women in their lives. Women have traditionally been socialised to accept this, and have often had limited economic independence to escape from it. Things are changing and women are becoming better at setting boundaries but it will take a while for changes in attitudes to feed through. Although there are no doubt some unpleasant and entitled women, it is often older men who have an unreasonable entitlement to women's attention and deference to their wishes, especially when they retire and are around to plague their poor spouses, day-in, day-out.

You won't like hearing this but your "lovely" mother failed you very badly. Your upbringing wasn't in the 19th century, women could and did leave abusive marriages and in this case, it was her child being abused.

I’ve been there, wished my father dead many times throughout my life and I don’t feel guilty about this. He’s always been a narcissistic bully to his children and my enabling mother. I know that when he does die it’s going to be a blow, as then the massive loss of never having had a proper father will hit me - I’ve never had a conversation with him that he didn’t use to manipulate me or criticise other family members to me, or played he victim and threaten suicide or how he’ll disappear and we’ll never see him again. He’s bullied my husband and tried to manipulate my children against their own father. These are only a few examples, so yes, I’ve wished him dead many times.

She's experiencing a feeling, not planning a homicide.

Let her work through her emotion, FGS.

I don't think telling OP how she ought to feel is particularly helpful. She lived through her childhood and knows her parents. It's not anyone else's experience.

I'm NC with my father but he still haunts my thoughts and nightmares. I think I'll feel such a weight lift once I hear he's gone. It felt freeing to go NC but there's still this weight that he's still around and could make contact or hurt someone else.

You won't like hearing this but your "lovely" mother failed you very badly. Your upbringing wasn't in the 19th century, women could and did leave abusive marriages and in this case, it was her child being abused

Spot on! The hardest thing for me was realising that my victim mother was almost equally responsible for the situation.

I feel like I'm reading posts from myself in a parallel universe where he's still alive and my mother is still, somehow, hypnotically wedded to the idea that he's a great person when they're not going hell for leather at each other or she's not trying to stop him attacking us kids. Why oh why do women so often insist that a violent, foul mouthed, rageful POS is a great dad and a loving husband? Why?

Yes, totally get it, OP.

I feel a bit like this about a friends much older partner. He isn't abusive I don't think, just a dominating narcissist type. It's selfish of me because I think my friend does love him, truthfully I want to spend time with my friend without misery face having to be there. Can't say I haven't let myself think 'well that idiot won't be around forever'.

In your own head I think you can do whatever you like. She's not saying it to him and she's not planning on making it come true. Her thinking it won't make it happen.