To just want my dad to die

[microplasticmum]

He’s not unwell, nor particularly old. Just a complete bully and colossal pain in my arse. He’s still married to my mum, happily even. I have no idea what she sees in him. I want my son to have a relationship with his lovely nana, but I just cannot stand being around my dad. I just want him to hurry up and have that coronary so we can see my mum in peace.

The people voting you are being unreasonable are lucky to have nice dads.
Mine is an abusive prick as well and the world will be better off without him.

A lot of people won’t understand though Op, and that’s nice for them!

You have to have experienced it to understand it, otherwise it just sounds awful.

I don't miss my late mother even a little and am glad she died before she could damage my children.

Quite.

If karma existed Donald, vlad and Nigel would all be rotting

They're pointing out that her mother should have protected her and should acknowledge the cost to her of not doing so.

The realisation that you gave your heart to a bastard and the relationship is not what you think it is is very very hard to accept, but if anything should force it, it's him harming your kids in front of you.

What a terrible thing to say, unless he has abused you, karma is going to back at you for such cruel thoughts !

And what's Karma going to do to you for being a sanctimonious arse who openly judges people in attempt to wound and wishes harm on them?

You do realise her wishing him dead has no ACTUAL bearing on his health or life expectancy? That’s not how science works.

She can think what she wants about the abusive prick.

I’m in my mid 40’s and I was in the exact same position as OP. I haven’t spoken to my ‘dad’ for over 20 years and he passed away a month ago. What I felt? Relief. I grieved the loss of my ‘dad’ a long time ago because I never really had one to start with. It is what it is. People that haven’t experienced an upbringing full of abuse at the hands of a full blown narcissist will never understand. And if they have and are still in that persons life, then that’s their choice and no one else’s business. Just as cutting them out or wishing they weren’t in the equation any more is no one else’s business. Just my opinion.

Really, I don’t think anyone can comment negatively on this post unless they have experienced a similar situation/childhood. The OP has had to walk the walk of a terrible upbringing by the one person who should have loved and protected her. Of course she is angry and hurting and wanting to lash out at this appalling person. I don’t blame her one bit for voicing how she feels. It might just help ease her pain.

YANBU, I fantasize about my Dad dying most nights. Unfortunately my Mum died relatively young which has left me having to deal with him on my own.

I’m more than prepared for him to live for another 10 years as many people have said, it’s the awful ones that seem to go on forever.

Your mum might loathe him too. She might just be swallowing her feelings and ‘playing nice’ because it doesn’t feel like an option to leave/ doesn’t want to worry you or for you to judge her for staying.

She might be willing him to turn up his toes too.

I have been NC with my abusive shithead father for 10 years.

At an age now where my friends are losing their lovely parents but that arsehole lives on like a Fucking cockroach

I get it. My father was severely abusive to me and I still have PTSD, frequent dreams where the abuse is still happening etc.

Sometimes they don't realise they are abusive. Boiling frog syndrome is very real. It can begin to feel as though this is your 'normal'.

What I do know is that however royally my mother fucked up - and she did - she was not 'prioritising her sex life' over the wellbeing of her children. Far from it. She was unhappy with him for years but thought staying was acting in our best interests. Women were sold the line about the damage done by broken homes, and he was very clever at being abusive when her back was turned. I'm also convinced there was sexual coercion - rape - in that marriage. She was traumatised and had nightmares about him being up against her and trying to penetrate her. I was in my 20s when she stayed over with me one night and I woke her from one of these dreams: it was as if she was in a different place - classic flashback, I now believe. I have cPTSD and looking back my mother was also presenting with many of the symptoms, although no one realised it at the time.

I never told her. He had me convinced I was a little shit - I was very rebellious as a teenager and no wonder - that he was disciplining me, and that I deserved everything I got. I believed him. After he concussed me at 15, my mother hated him. It took a few years but she formulated an exit stragegy and my grandparents helped her.

She tried to protect me from him. She didn't try hard enough and should have done better by leaving him. I knew it, my brother knew it, and she knew it. By the same token, abusers like this really do a number on their victims. She was a victim too.

You absolutely must keep him away and I’m sorry you were abused by the one person who was supposed to love you and weren’t protected by your mother either.

You are not alone in these feelings @microplasticmum my FIL was an abusive pest who physically, emotionally, psychologically abused his wife and she stayed until he basically kicked her out due to her illnesses. And he is only equalled in his narc parenting prowess by my own parents. All of them are either sexually abusive themselves or covering for abusers in the family. A more toxic rabble you couldn’t hope to wish for. People who don’t realise that you can be dismissing these types of experiences in other people’s live should be grateful about how innocent you get to be and maybe feel a little bit ashamed if you used your naivety as a platform to shame the OP.

I absolutely get you, OP. I once said something similar at a social gathering, and you could have heard a pin drop. Until someone briskly changed the subject. I had several private messages by the next morning from friends who said they too felt similarly about members of their own families but could not give voice to their thoughts in public (whereas I am less poilte).

A wish or a fantasy are just that; they can't hurt anyone. Karma isn't a thing. It is cathartic and empowering to give voice to our anger and repulsion. I really do wish x person could just be removed from my life, never to be seen or heard from again so I wouldn't have to perpetually worry about them turning up to ruin everything in their wake as is their way.

It is cruel to blame the OP for still cherishing the relationship with her mum. In an ideal world, this poor woman would have protected the OP, but for OP to feel so close to her mum, she must have got some things right. Anyone who has lived through family relationships blighted by coercive control, manipulation, bullying and abuse will understand that all parties survive in terror and under duress, trying to maintain peace and avert harm.

I hear you 👏🙌

Are you talking about your own post? If so, you are right. OP's dad is an abusive arsehole and the world would be better without him.

So?

Would you say that if the abuse had been sexual?

What a sanctimonious load of shite. He used to beat OP with a belt. I'd be quite happy if he died too.

We don't have to, but if it brings comfto a victim of abuse no-one has the right to criticise.

I'm sorry for your situation, but you very probably don't have one nice parent and one evil parent. It might come as a shock to you if he dies first and things don't work out as you expect. I'd recommend you have therapy to work through your feelings and expectations.

I don’t blame you OP. I thankfully don’t have that experience but I would feel exactly the same if I had, and no way would I let my kids breathe the same air as him. Some people deserve to have their graves danced on.

I had a lovely dad and I’m 100% on the side of OP and would happily join her with our dancing shoes on to give her sperm donor the send off he deserves. In fact it’s because my dad was so nice that it affects me deeply when other people’s fathers (and mothers) are low life pieces of shit. How difficult is it to be a loving, decent parent. Don’t these people look at themselves in the mirror and know how vile they are?

Who the heck would want to be in that position, pray tell.