To just want my dad to die

[microplasticmum]

He’s not unwell, nor particularly old. Just a complete bully and colossal pain in my arse. He’s still married to my mum, happily even. I have no idea what she sees in him. I want my son to have a relationship with his lovely nana, but I just cannot stand being around my dad. I just want him to hurry up and have that coronary so we can see my mum in peace.

What a dumb post this is.

If your mums father was also abusive it’s likely that she ended up with your dad because that’s what she knew, it’s a pretty common pattern sadly. The thing is, as soon as you become a parent you have to put your child’s needs first. Your mum should have protected you from being abused, and ultimately she chose not to because she chose to stay with your abuser keeping you in harms way. The fact that she still defends him shows she is still putting him ahead of you. I think you just need to set your boundary and stick to it. Tell her you will see her but not him. I’m afraid there’s the very real possibility she will continue to choose him, but ultimately she enabled your abuse, and is completely in denial about the harm this has caused you. She really let you down and continues to do so. Time to tell her what’s what. Could you imagine staying with a man and who treated your child the way your father did you?

I got a shock when my daughters grandmother died on her dads side but I was not sad she was wicked to me and a totally gaslighter so I was glad my daughter wouldn’t have to endure that into her teen years.

You were physically abused and your mum didn't protect you. She could have left him, removed you from his abuse, but she didn't. She chose to stay. She chose him over you then, and it won't change now.

You should be angry at your mum. Livid. I certainly wouldn't be calling her a lovely nana and I'd want my kids no where near someone that would enable abuse against their own kids.

Have you ever thought that the same blind spot you claim your mum has for your dad is exactly the same blind spot you have for your mum? That you love her so much to see her spectacular failings as a mother?

No. If they're anything like my own sperm donor, everything is always everybody else's fault.

Even when they're four.

Some people are just the dregs of society aren’t they.

Although I am thankful I didn’t experience it myself, I can’t stand it when the do-gooders try to minimise the feelings of those who have. No one needs to ‘be kind’ or forgiving or the ‘bigger person’ to abusive monsters who are supposed to be your biggest cheerleaders. I’d be wishing someone like that a lot more than dead.

Can you not go out for the day with your mum and your son? To the park/beach/funfair/whatever. A 'shopping trip' should put him off nicely. Buy your son a new hoody and then go somewhere nice.

Approach the conversation by respecting her ‘blind spot’, you’re not asking her to leave him or think about him differently. However, he has treated you badly in the past and she should respect that you feel differently about him than she does…

But also don't ignore her blind spot, treat it as a red flag and don't let her look after your child without you.

Same here. I love my dad and he's been a decent dad but he is a bad husband. I just want my mum to be free at least for her last few years.

But op is not talking about your dad.

I know that. And you know I know that because you’ve read my comments

It might sound horrible to wish someone dead, but when you know that all you will feel is relief at the news, it's hard not to wish it.

I feel that way about my mother. I have very good reasons for it. I am very low contact with her but I can't go completely no contact because that will hurt other family members that I do care about, 2 in particular that are old and have serious health issues so I don't want to upset them. So while she carries on living, I have to carry on the charade and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of pretending I give a shit. I'm sad to see good people die or face serious illness (including my 2 lovely family members), while she goes on and on, seemingly invincible.

She feels like a weight around my neck and I just want to feel free of that. She does not, and has never, brought anything positive to my life. I'm not saying I will rejoice in her death, but the relief will be huge.

More's the pity, because comments like this have no place on a thread posted by the victim of horrendous abuse.

The clear point the PP was making is that OP's serious (and valid) issues and feelings are not all about you. The thread title makes its topic very clear. You had the option to bypass it if you found its contents offensive or triggering. Instead, you thought you'd click on it and issue a sanctimonious rebuke to a victim of child abuse. If you think this somehow gives you the moral high-hand, you're very much mistaken. It isn't a good look - for you.

If you want to post about your wonderful family life, by all means start your own thread. This was neither the time nor the place.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but people write stuff on posts I find offensive and insensitive regularly.

It’s one of the realities of being in a forum where people can say what they think. people going through IVF could be upset by someone posting about an unwanted pregnancy. Equally, you could be upset about someone talking about their plans for Father’s Day.

Lots of things are going to upset you right now- it’s recent and you loved your dad a lot.

It doesn’t mean the previous poster is right to criticise the OP for talking about her feelings.

THIS.

OP ignored the posters who think you should be grateful to have a father even though he was abusive. You are not insensitive, in fact they are to state on your post that some people find it hard to read after losing their own Dad etc. What a privilege to have had a loving, caring father who left lovely memories.
I completely hear you- my Dad is dead and sometimes I have nightmares he isn’t. I don’t wish my Mum dead but I wonder if I’ll feel lighter and freer when she is no longer here. Those who haven’t been abused or neglected will never understand

Also- the comments about the comments coming back to bite you etc,are not true imo.
When my Dad died I felt nothing at all and I don’t regret having those thoughts about him.

I lost my mum to cancer when I was 21 she was only 43 and I wish everyday that it was my “dad” instead so I totally get it!

No judgement here. It’s not like he’s a good person and you’re just waiting for him to die for the inheritance.

However, what I will say is please prepare yourself for potential unexpected feelings.

I felt similarly to you. I couldn’t wait for my dad to die. He was a real piece of shit. I never felt/feel any love for him. He walked out on us when I was 6 years old because my mum had had enough of trying to “fix” him, and spent his time sitting on park benches getting pissed and high and physically, emotionally, and financially abusing anybody he had the chance to.

He finally died when I was 19. I felt so much relief.
And then, about 3 months later, I was devastated. Lead to a total breakdown.
I felt like it was my fault that he died because I’d wished for it for my whole life, taunted myself that I was a disgusting person because he had an addiction, an illness, and needed help (he was offered help so many times, but they can’t be helped if they don’t believe they need it themselves). I was thinking that maybe if I wasn’t born he wouldn’t have felt stressed enough to start drinking? Why wasn’t I good enough for him to clean his act up? Why wasn’t my amazing mother enough for him to clean up? Why didn’t he feel like he was strong enough to clean up?
It was mental torture for a solid 18 months or so.

Sorry to me-rail the thread, but my point is; look after yourself and never feel guilty for any feelings you might feel. Grief is a very powerful and strange process.❤️

Why open a thread with this title and then berate the OP??

You were clearly close to your dad. Maybe it is insensitive to post that when the OP had a father who beat her as a child?

That is really sad. These asshole parents really do mess with our identity.

My father isn’t dead but I grieved him alive and grieved the father I should have had. My sister was abused and raped by my brother for decades, when my parents found out they have smoothed his path, minimised, denied, rationalised, carpet swept. I had been abused by him too, same shit different day from my parents. My sister is their number 1 cheerleader, she emulates their behaviour, I cannot abide them. Their betrayal even if my sister cannot face it is appalling.

I too experienced a lot of identity issues when my relationship with both of my parents broke down. It is only natural to question your part in such a fundamental relationship in your life breaking down but ultimately losing a parent bringing grief is a totally normal response. It doesn’t change the facts that some parents are just utter shits.

I felt nothing at all when I heard my father had died. He was a stranger, having left the family when I was young.
My one regret was he had missed out on so much, my son was born a couple of weeks after he died.
I didn't wish him bad...he just didn't count.

None of us can help the way we feel (or don't feel) about our parents,

This is so heartbreaking. The callousness of those calling you unreasonable is insane to me. It is perfectly natural to wish horrible people dead. Wishing is often the only control a person has over their own thoughts. Often when so much has been taken from you by the abuser

Not really.