To just want my dad to die

[microplasticmum]

He’s not unwell, nor particularly old. Just a complete bully and colossal pain in my arse. He’s still married to my mum, happily even. I have no idea what she sees in him. I want my son to have a relationship with his lovely nana, but I just cannot stand being around my dad. I just want him to hurry up and have that coronary so we can see my mum in peace.

Well I think the OP is allowed to dream fur a life with him out of her, her dcs and her mum’s life tbh.
She isn’t actively trying to kill him.
What she is saying is she doesn’t want him there. She is dreaming.

And who can blame seeing the way he was and still is?

I completely agree with you. As far as I am concerned my mother was my father’s enabler. She failed to protect 2 of her children. I have this terrible memory of my father giving me a terrible beating and her coming in to close the window in case anyone heard.
OP you are not unreasonable to feel the way that you do but I am a lot older than you. Please try very hard not to let your father upset you. I know it is hard but you will feel so much better. If your mother wants to see her grandchild she can come to you. Your children should not have to see your father. My father wasn’t in my thoughts for years and I felt nothing when he died. I have been fairly LC with my mother for years. She is very old.

I know what you mean op. Mine was a monster. I only went to his funeral to make sure I wasn't dreaming and he actually was dead.

100% yes. My lovely mum died first.
I don’t miss my dad at all. It was a relief when he finally kicked bucket. I have no regrets saying that. We reap what we sow, if you want you kids to mourn you, treat them with love and understanding, not something you clearly wish you’d never had.

No. No, they won’t. Have you read a single word the OP has written?

People who have no experience of destructive, dysfunctional, abusive parental relationships have no clue whatsoever about the appalling lifelong effects on children and the long shadow they cast, way into adulthood and often that child’s own marriages and familial relationships.

When these fuckers die it’s not sad, it’s a blessed bloody relief (and release) for everyone. No one who’s lived with this will nod along with the sentimental Eastenders-style trope of ‘faaaaahmily’, blood’s-thicker-than-water, all can be forgiven. It can’t.

YANBU, OP.

OP said her mum's dad is also abusive... so I'm guessing her mum has a very warped view of men.

Just because people CAN leave abusive relationships, doesn't mean they're mentally strong enough to.

Then their children have every right to blame them for not finding the strength to protect them.

Why not? I wish the man who raped me 100s of times, dead. I was glad my sexually abusive grandad died.

I hear you op. I’ve been NC with my ‘father’ for over 10 years which has bought me a life that I find easier. But I still live in his shadow, he’s still a spectre. I’m just waiting for him to die - I think that it will open up a new round of trauma, but I just want him gone from my life, for it to be properly over, at least in a physical sense. I’m sending love.

I'm in tears reading this, that's because it validates the feelings I had and about which I felt such awful guilt. Similar circumstances, except this was my mother.

As someone said, they seem to just go on forever. My dear father died at 67, and the woman lived on for another 20 long hard years for me after that. I said once that the wrong person had died, and she heard me, and never let me forget it for the rest of her life. She was cruel to me, but not to my siblings. I could write a book.

Strangely enough I think deep down she did love me but resented the fact that I took over Dad's role in life admin as mother was incapable having been spoiled rotten by Dad. Anyway I'm glad I don't have to deal with her criticisms, name calling, accusations of theft, alcoholism, abuse etc. (untrue of course but in full view of others mind you), and am glad that total humiliation is now gone.

Of course others said she was so lovely, and that I had a persecution complex and should be able to bat away her behaviour, so there was that too. Street angel and house devil.

Of course, but this isn't the case with OP - posters are just telling her how she should feel towards her mum.

I could never begrudge you wishing a child abuser dead. Hope you find your own version of peace.

God there are some sanctimonious posters on this thread! OP suffered terrible abuse at the hands of this man and he is still negatively impacting her and people are telling her off! I was very lucky to have two very loving parents, both of whom are dead and one of whom died at a young age and I completely understand why you feel the way you do OP. WGAF if it’s near Father’s Day? That’s even more reason for OP to feel as she does.

He hit you with a belt? That actually makes me feel sick. I'm so, so sorry, @microplasticmum

I get this. I want my husband to die too.

@NameChange1412Be glad you had a dad you can mourn and not a childhood like OP’s. I can’t be doing with the professionally offended making everything about them.

Does this song resonate OP?

It was..my mum died recently and I miss her but it's not half as bad as losing my dad

Post about a narcissistic, abusive mother and everyone showers you with sympathy and support. Post about an abusive father and it’s all “what a terrible thing to say”, “karma will come back and bite you” and “you should be angry at your mother too”.

Can someone explain this to me?

I can understand how you feel op

I feel the same about my mum. It’s a sad situation of her doing

Perhaps you and the other few who are clutching hankies over this post should be grateful that they haven't got someone in their family who makes them feel the same.

Hope this wasn't a dig at me...

Exactly these people don't know what it is they don't know.

They proudly parade their ignorance of long term trauma. and don't even realise they are doing it.

They don't deserve the luxury they live with.

He doesn’t have to actually die for you to declare him dead to you and go on without him having any role in your life whatsoever.

You don’t need that around your son and you can facilitate a relationship with you mum and your son without him.

So I say go ahead and kill him off (figuratively!!) and close the chapter.

I'm really sorry, OP. This was my childhood, too. At 4 he beat me so severely that he stripped the skin off my backside. At 12, I discovered he hated me and I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong. At 15, he slammed my head down a door and gave me concussion, and at 17 he told me I deserved to be raped because I was a slut. There's other stuff which is so dark that even now I don't really want to think about it.

That monster who was my sperm donor - he is unworthy of the name 'father' - stole my childhood. It was one of the most painful questions of my life as to why my mother stayed with him - there were various reasons she believed that to be in our best interests - but she was utterly, grievously wrong. When we discussed this in my adulthood she acknowledged this, was genuinely remorseful, and we laid it all to rest before her early death. I'm glad we did. I adored her, I know it was mutual, and we never lost each other. But she fucked up, hugely so, and it has been a very difficult reality to confront.

As for my father, I don't think I ever wished him dead on any conscious level, although I did ask myself how I'd feel if he died, having cut him out of my adult life as soon as I left home. I foresaw that I'd never have any regrets about that decision. I didn't. I wasn't exactly celebrating, but I never felt one moment of grief nor shed so much as a tear.

No one who hasn't experienced a past with an abusive parent could truly understand. Know that it was him, not you. You deserved so much better, and the way you feel now is entirely his fault, not yours. You were not to blame then, and you're not now.

💐