To just want my dad to die

[microplasticmum]

He’s not unwell, nor particularly old. Just a complete bully and colossal pain in my arse. He’s still married to my mum, happily even. I have no idea what she sees in him. I want my son to have a relationship with his lovely nana, but I just cannot stand being around my dad. I just want him to hurry up and have that coronary so we can see my mum in peace.

Why?

I also feel like this about my dad. And that’s even though I think he has some redeeming features.

he also had an explosive temper when I was growing up and sucks the joy out of everything.

my mum is miserable with him though. She’d be much happier by herself

I find it very hard to fit in my brain. Part of me is angry with her, but I think I love her too much to dwell on it.

Have that conversation, and when she defends him say "thats not my perception".

That way, youre not causing any divide between you and mum.

Do they though?

I’m rather ambivalent about my mum and dad. No back story, just over half a century of them being emotionally unavailable and not being pleasant to be around. My dad was gravely ill recently, he could have died but is now recovering, my feelings haven’t changed a bit. There was no shock or fear when I got the news before we knew he would be ok, just a dutiful offer of help.

Sometimes adult children see their parents for what they are. It isn’t ok to say it out loud IRL which is why people choose to do it here.

What did your mum do when you were a child and he was hitting you with a belt, which I'm pretty sure was illegal?

My dad died 2 years ago and I really wish he'd died years ago. He was such an awful person.

I understand the feeling.
The trouble with the bullying arsehole types is that they seem to live much longer than anyone else for some inexplicable reason. It’s like the spite and cruelty that runs through their veins protects them.

"thats not my actual lived experience" - its more than perception.

She has no remit to minimise or invalidate your feelings.

She may choose to ease her conscience and discomfort by gas-lighting you by defending him. Call her out on it.

I totally understand why you feel that way. Your childhood memories are of abusive and violent behaviour and being afraid which is incredibly sad. I think you should have the conversation with your mum - do you have any resentment towards her for staying with him and therefore not protecting you from his rages?

Yet you've forgiven your mother for allowing this bastard to beat you? I bloody wouldn't

My mums father is similarly vile and has made it to 80 odd despite having a myriad of illnesses which should have killed him 10-20 years ago. It’s truly maddening.

Why would they bite OP on the arse? Did you read this post from her:

'I do not have one happy memory of him. Not one. My childhood was filled with screaming, hitting (often with belts) and walking on eggshells. He has an absolutely explosive temper which I desperately want to keep away from my son.'

Do you think anybody will mourn this monster? How dare you guilt trip OP who was abused throughout her childhood? You should hang your head in shame.

Your mum let that happen to you; she was complicit.

I wouldn’t want to see either of them.

Sadly know so many women in the older generations who have literally said they can’t wait to be widows, and I can see why.

As others are saying, your mother is equally responsible if she didn't stop him abusing you. I'd want nothing to do with either one..anyway, good luck with how you negotiate this situation. I can't imagine what youve had to endure.

Fully understand and empathise OP 💐

I get this, though my mum hated my Dad also. He was very violence and we begged her to leave him but she wouldn’t.

We couldn’t wait for him to die. Just before covid, with dementia, we got her into a care home and because of DV, he was unable to see her. Covid helped cement this. Unfortunately towards the end of 2020, she declined severely and cannot talk, can be very violent. It’s sad to see. He, on the other hand, survived cancer during Covid and while his mobility is somewhat restricted, he is living his life.

My mum is 75 in two days and my dad is 75. They are young.

my brother tried to let my Dad see my Mum (long story) and he had to go to court. He won’t tell anyone of this shame that he cannot see her, he pretends he does. Even to me! What a dickhead. He gets so upset to me that he cannot see her (won’t discuss the why). I know it makes no difference to Mum now, but I think she would be pleased that she in some way got the last laugh

but I wish my alcoholic father had died 20 years ago and my Mum could have lived her final years in peace.

I felt like this about my FIL. Used to fantasise about pushing him down the stairs...

This is so true.

The narcissistic, selfish or just plain vile people I know seem to have lived a charmed life.

i have an evil aunty - still going strong in her late 90’s, but only one of her sons visits her in her care home now.

I completely understand!

What a terrible thing to say, unless he has abused you, karma is going to back at you for such cruel thoughts !

I loved my Dad and he was an honest man with good intentions. He also had bipolar refused to access help or medication and was very difficult to live with. He was incredibly & unnecessarily tight with money, demanded a lot of her time and attention and was a constant worry that he would start an argument or fight with someone.

My Mum had a second life when he died 15years before she did. She spent her remaining years in peace, pottering around antiques shops, visiting her mum who lived in a different country and enjoying her grandchildren in a way she would not have been able to if he was alive.

I used to live in fear of her dying, as there was no way I would have dedicated my life to him in the way she did. He would have been lost left behind, whereas she thrived. My brother thinks exactly the same, although I wouldn't say that out loud to anyone else.

What a disgraceful thing to post.

This is why it’s always worth reading at least all of an OP’s posts. She was physically abused by her father including being beaten with belts. She owes him no kindness and karma (which doesn’t exist regardless) isn’t going to ‘get back at her’.