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Original poster

DH reported at work

1000 replies

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 16:53

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

OP posts:
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6
NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/05/2025 17:19

'Highly strung'?

Not so happy after all, then. Sounds more like a crass comment intended to bust her bubble. She was probably OK until he showed up and opened his gob.

Profpudding · 29/05/2025 17:20

He’s probably shagged her and if he hasn’t, he wants to

DoYouReally · 29/05/2025 17:20

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:01

I did ask my DH - he just said she appeared highly strung that day and he wouldn’t have made the comment in hindsight.

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I hope he actually tells HR.

He's thick as a plank.....first he says he must have sex (which is none of his business)....then he said it was because she was highly strung (another insult to women....bet he doesn't describe his male colleagues as highly strung)....and also thinks women can't have sex without becomg highly strung. On top of that, he has really poor judgment and boundaries.

You clearly married a misogynistic fool.

If I was HR, I would absolutely enjoy dealing with this one because he's only going to dig himself deeper with his stupidity.

Fair play to hos colleague.

PinkCrochet · 29/05/2025 17:20

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:08

I’m no stranger to a bit of robust banter (regardless of genders) so I am probably not the type of person who will get too up in arms over a clumsy comment.

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This would be a good time to think about whether you want to be a ‘pick-me’ type or a feminist and supporter of women.

Do you have children?

123ZYX · 29/05/2025 17:20

lightslittle · 29/05/2025 17:16

I’m pretty lax on stuff like this, can take most things with a pinch of salt having worked in a heavily male dominated industry for the last 14 years.

I don’t know if I’d have reported it, but this is wildly inappropriate. Innuendos and jokes are one thing, but when they’re made to some, about them individually it’s definitely a step too far in my opinion.

I know what you mean, and I probably have a similar background, but I do think it’s important to pull people up on this whether it’s general comments or to a specific person. Young women starting out in male dominated work places shouldn’t have to get used to it like we have - we are the ones who should have the power in the work place and the confidence to say that it isn’t acceptable and make sure the workplace isn’t uncomfortable for young women.

IdaGlossop · 29/05/2025 17:20

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:03

I certainly wouldn’t have said it, but just feel that given the relationship between them reporting feels OTT.

I’d certainly read him the riot act if it was to put his job at risk, but he assured me he’ll be fine and expects a slap on the wrist if that.

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'...he'll be fine and expects a slap on the wrist if that'. OP, his language is belittling what he did. He's digging an ever deeper hole and the misogynistic tone (like 'highly strung') of his language seems to be passing you by.

KrisAkabusi · 29/05/2025 17:21

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:01

I did ask my DH - he just said she appeared highly strung that day and he wouldn’t have made the comment in hindsight.

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Nice bit of victim blaming there. It's her fault she got upset today.🙄

YellowPostIts · 29/05/2025 17:21

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:17

I think this is a fair assessment. I forgot to add that it’s a very male dominated industry too, so you can see how lines can be blurred.

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That makes it worse not better!

He works in a mostly male office and he picked out the lone woman to make sexual comments to?

He’s an idiot.

BoredZelda · 29/05/2025 17:21

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:17

I think this is a fair assessment. I forgot to add that it’s a very male dominated industry too, so you can see how lines can be blurred.

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I work in a male dominated industry. Lines are not blurred. The guys I work with are well aware of how not to harass women.

nebulae · 29/05/2025 17:21

However she should have said as much to him, slapped him down; making a formal report is a bit much unless he has form for 'dirty old man' remarks. I she'd told him off he would have felt embarrassed and be unlikely to make the same mistake twice

Disagree. She should deal with it whatever way she's most comfortable with. There shouldn't be any obligation on her part to confront the man who said this to her.

VoltaireMittyDream · 29/05/2025 17:22

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:17

I think this is a fair assessment. I forgot to add that it’s a very male dominated industry too, so you can see how lines can be blurred.

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Poor lamb. It’s a male dominated environment so it’s terribly easy to forget not to be a grubby-minded sexist pig.

PinkCrochet · 29/05/2025 17:22

The worst thing about this is that neither he nor you can see that he has done anything wrong. It is all just about whether or not he will get into trouble. Gross.

It does not sound like a slap on the wrist would teach him anything. You both have a lot of learning to do.

Injectingalittleluxury · 29/05/2025 17:22

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:01

I did ask my DH - he just said she appeared highly strung that day and he wouldn’t have made the comment in hindsight.

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Well that contradicts what he said about her looking happy, hence his offensive and inappropriate comment. Your husband sounds sleazy. I’d be absolutely fuming if my husband had said that. Fortunately he knows what’s acceptable and what isn’t.

TimeForABreak4 · 29/05/2025 17:22

Me and my colleagues get on so well and we all have a laugh or moan about things but there's things you just don't say to a colleague no matter who they are and this is definitely one of them.

TheMimsy · 29/05/2025 17:22

So he already had a rapport where sexualised topics were discussed and he discussed her sex life with her @CircleBaker?

DarkForces · 29/05/2025 17:23

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:17

I think this is a fair assessment. I forgot to add that it’s a very male dominated industry too, so you can see how lines can be blurred.

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I work with a lot of men. I definitely don't accept blurred lines and that includes comments on my sex life. Really inappropriate of dh as is his comment on her being highly strung. He'll be saying it's her time of the month next. He sounds like he has done very sexist attitudes

HopscotchBanana · 29/05/2025 17:23

Ewwwwew. Yuck.

Was this in front of people as well?

Resetqueen · 29/05/2025 17:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gilead · 29/05/2025 17:23

She seemed a bit highly strung that day
Really? What sort of comment is that? he’s using using her behavior to minimise his!

Foreverhappiest · 29/05/2025 17:24

123ZYX · 29/05/2025 16:58

Your husband has basically just announced to her that the first thing the thought of when he saw her was sex. I can’t see how that wouldn’t make her feel uncomfortable.

If that’s something he’ll say in a work environment without concern, I suspect there’s constant small comments like that from her colleagues - this is just the one that is clearly directed at her so she can report it.

It would have upset me and I would have been offended and reported it.

It may not have been the first time either. It’s not funny. Sexual sleeze has no place in the workplace.

BoredZelda · 29/05/2025 17:24

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:19

Absolutely - he has held his hands up!

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To her? Did he apologise to her? Obviously he knows he will “only get a slap on the wrist, if that” so he clearly understands the seriousness of the situation….🤦🏻‍♀️

MounjaroMounjaro · 29/05/2025 17:24

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:01

I did ask my DH - he just said she appeared highly strung that day and he wouldn’t have made the comment in hindsight.

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No, he made the comment because she looked particularly happy. She only looked highly strung AFTER he said it.

Has he ever said a man looked highly strung? I think it's an insult men save for women, personally.

KrisAkabusi · 29/05/2025 17:24

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:17

I think this is a fair assessment. I forgot to add that it’s a very male dominated industry too, so you can see how lines can be blurred.

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I bet the lines are only being blurred by the men though! You're still blaming soneone other than your husband!

BoredZelda · 29/05/2025 17:25

VoltaireMittyDream · 29/05/2025 17:22

Poor lamb. It’s a male dominated environment so it’s terribly easy to forget not to be a grubby-minded sexist pig.

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🤣🤣

Binman · 29/05/2025 17:25

CircleBaker · 29/05/2025 17:17

I think this is a fair assessment. I forgot to add that it’s a very male dominated industry too, so you can see how lines can be blurred.

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Male dominated, she may put up with this shit everyday from her colleague’s, lines are not blurred, he’s already suggested she was highly strung that day so he’s blaming her for taking it the wrong way.

She was unusually happy when she came in, what changed her to highly strung I wonder 🙄

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