DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

Which is it - she seemed happy, or highly strung?

People don't typically jump to reporting on the back of a comment from someone they consider a friend they enjoy 'banter' with. I'd say your H has been misreading his colleagues tolerance of his unwelcome comments and she has finally had enough of him.

I thought she looked particularly happy that day rather than highly strung? Highly strung is such a sexist insult. What he said to her was sleazy and unprofessional.

I couldn’t agree more. My husband spent over thirty years working in a male dominated environment and he managed to work all those years having never made a sleazy inappropriate comment and without ever being complained about. OP please don’t even think of defending your husband or minimising his disgusting behaviour. Let’s keep our bar high, not lower it for our husbands.

That’s clearly not what happened here.

So this woman works in a very male dominated industry - can't you or he see how it's even more inappropriate that he made that comment?

I think the problem OP is you’ll read any responses saying ‘he deserves to be reported’ as MN hand wringing. Some of the language you’ve used indicates it:

• “They get on, so…”
• ”male dominated so lines get blurred”
• she was “highly strung” (never heard a man described like that btw)
• “I’m ok with banter and not the type to get upset so…”
• etc.

I wouldn’t want anyone to lose their job over it but we don’t know the broader details. My guess is she’s had enough of your DH ‘bants’, this was straw that broke the camels back and he did cross the line.

How should she have dealt with it out of interest?

There is nothing she could do in this situation that is a win for her.

What a knob.

I wouldn’t have reported it either…but I’m pretty thick skinned and would have told him what a sad jerk he is.

I am delighted that this woman reported the creep. If she was my friend, I would be shaking her hand right now.

Most people aren't happy AND highly strung. So which is it?

I wouldn't have reported it if it was the only bad comment but I would have been upset by it. However I suspect it was probably the straw that broke the camel's back comment. Does he usually "banter"?

No, no you can’t see how the lines “could be blurred” because women are in the minority.

I agree with the poster above who said it’s offensive but I wouldn’t have reported.

I work in male dominated environments. I've always seen that it gives me even greater reaponsibility to challenge unacceptable behaviours, to not allow younger or more timid women to be put off. Your DH's remarks at work and at home crossed a line. You aren't helping him by sympathising, you should be explaining he's put his career on the line and upset someone for nothing, so he needs to start thinking before he speaks.

What lines have been blurred?
Companies are responsible for ensuring their staff don't harass each other.

The woman must have felt targeted to be sexualised by your husband, it's good that she had the courage to report him.

Opening post:

He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

This post :

She appeared highly strung that day

So which is it?

checks calendar for what week it is...

No, I really can't. You seem to be really keen to make excuses for something that is simply not acceptable. Being friendly isn't an excuse to make inappropriate sexualised comments. Being a male dominated industry isn't an excuse to make sexualised comments. And you describe her as "highly strung". Yeah women who object to inapproprioate behaviour in the workplace are clearly highly strung, probably hysterical ball-breakers, and otherwsie entirely insane. It couldn't possibly be that men need to learn how to behave appropriately.

He hasn’t held his hands up, he’s said she was highly strung. That’s not him saying he was wrong, that’s him saying she was over sensitive

He sounds revolting. I hope HR come down on him like a ton of bricks.

OP, I have a couple of male colleagues at work I am very friendly with. There’s a lot of jokes and ‘banter’, but niether of them would say anything like this to me – it’s so inappropriate, and I’m a really laid back person at work.

I would bet your DH has really misrepresented the situation and that this woman has likely been having to put up with him for a while now and finally got sick of it.

I would definitely report that, and I would expect significant action to be taken (demotion, public apology etc) or I would progress it higher.

Add in a nice bit of misogynistic victim blaming 'she is highly strung' on top, and him thinking it would result in just a 'slap on the wrist' means he isn't taking it seriously and not genuinely remorseful. I would be absolute furious and debating my choice of DH.

If he had come home and said 'omg I was a complete idiot at work today and said something really stupid, I really hope my colleague isn't too upset, how can I make things right with her' i might give him some credit. But I'm guessing you only found out when he got reported? If he was genuinely sorry, he would have got ahead of it and spoken with his manager, rather than hoping he got away with it.

No idea why you asked OP, you are clearly set on your opinion.

That says a lot of things about him in general tbh. I’d have reported him too and would’ve felt very uncomfortable in that moment

It's a completely inappropriate comment and the fact he is minimising it makes me feel this is not the first time he's said something dressed up as "banter."

Colleague is happy = she must have been laid

Colleague is unhappy = she is "highly strung".

He sounds like an imbecile to be honest.

I work in HR and we'd be reading him the riot act over this. It would certainly be a filed written warning and extra training so I wouldn't be so sure he'll just get "a slap on the wrist" if I were him. He'll be on their radar for being a creep.

You both sound like a pair of massive cavemen misogynists. Good on her for reporting this revolting dinosaur. Hope they take it seriously.