DH reported at work

[CircleBaker]

I am stuck between ‘the world has gone mad’ and ‘why did you say that’ so I’d appreciate some MN wisdom!

DH has been reported to HR by a colleague due to a comment he made when she arrived at her desk on a recent morning. He said she looked particularly happy so he joked that she must have ‘got some’ the night before.

Now this colleague is someone DH has worked with for a while and always (in his view) got along with, so he was very surprised to hear of the report.

I can’t help but feel that as much as it wasn’t the smartest of comments, it was fairly inoffensive given they are friendly and it seems OTT to report?!

OP neither you or your husband seem to be aware that 'banter' is on equal grounds. Banter that shows up potential divides - sex, gender, race etc - should NEVER be in the workplace (and really, are off limits in most sane friendship groups)
Your husband is an idiot and it's worrying you don't see that too.

Eww. Your husband's a sleazy, misogynistic arsehole.

My guess is that your husband perceives that they get along because he frequently makes sexist, inappropriate comments to her, and she hasn't yet told him to fuck off or reported him to HR.

I'd wager that is this comment was the straw that broke the camels back. She's sick of your husband's creepy nonsense, is potentially concerned about younger female members of staff, so bit the bullet and complained.

Good on her. I hope they throw the book at him.

Your DH's story is unstable. First she was 'happy' (so must have been given a good seeing-to the night before). Then she was 'highly strung' (a descriptor rarely used when talking about men). If he were my DH, I'd be telling him to make some notes to refer to when he talks to HR.

It sounds like he has a different view of their work relationship from hers. Regular comments like that could be demeaning, embarrassing, belittling, possibly bullying. I think you’d need to know her take on it to decide whether it warranted reporting.

Not totally sure why you needed to ask a friend about it, or that I believe you asked the friend and he replied in the eight minutes between the OP posted and you replied.

It was a gross thing to say, just say that rather than bring in the ‘my friend is’ nonsense.

Yuk. That is a gross comment and would make me feel uncomfortable. What a sleaze.

What a great place to work, hmm?
Someone makes a comment to you that you find personally offensive/crosses a line/intrusive so you report it upwards.
Next you find that the person who made the comment expects just 'a slap on the wrist, if that' ....
So supportive.

Your husband has been very foolish and at work too (idiot) but it’s not a hanging offence. Hopefully he’s learned a valuable lesson and will think before he ‘banters’ in future.

It could well have been the final straw if that’s his idea of office banter

Totally inappropriate comment. My hackles always go up when someone tries to excuse it as “banter”.

I’m pretty lax on stuff like this, can take most things with a pinch of salt having worked in a heavily male dominated industry for the last 14 years.

I don’t know if I’d have reported it, but this is wildly inappropriate. Innuendos and jokes are one thing, but when they’re made to some, about them individually it’s definitely a step too far in my opinion.

Grim. Not surprised she reported him. No one should say that in the workplace

I agree, it was a totally inappropriate comment.

However she should have said as much to him, slapped him down; making a formal report is a bit much unless he has form for 'dirty old man' remarks. If she'd told him off he would have felt embarrassed and be unlikely to make the same mistake twice.

I daresay she was gobsmacked and couldn't find the words at the time but she could have approached him a bit later.

OP, I'd be far more concerned about my husband saying things like that, it's yeuch. How old is he for goodness sake?

This. Clearly neither of you respect women. Disgusting.

It’s not 1973 ffs.

I am very well known for ‘robust banter’ at work - I’ve got a very edgy sense of humour and I’ve worked in loads of very blokey environments in my time.

I would not have considered that a ‘clumsy comment’. I’d have considered it a tiresome, dull man being a cunt.

The only difference is that - being as ‘robust’ as I apparently am - I would have told him that to his face before I reported him, so your husband’s colleague is simply more sensible and professional than me.

It’s a comment I think is okay between good friends, certainly not between work colleagues though. I would be reporting my male colleagues if they started making comments about my sex life as well.

Ps I’m assuming he’s already apologise profusely of course.

I think this is a fair assessment. I forgot to add that it’s a very male dominated industry too, so you can see how lines can be blurred.

It was clearly an inappropriate comment, and your husband should have known better. Is your husband older, and she's younger? Is your husband in a more senior position to her? My guess is, this isn't the first time he's said something inappropriate and she's 'let it go'. If it was, the latest in comments, it may be she'd simply had enough. She is offended by the comment, that can't be disputed, otherwise she wouldn't have bothered. If it had been a one-off comment and he'd never said anything before, I'd have said 'Eww don't say things like that, it's gross, I don't want or need to know' or something similar, he then would (hopefully) realised his mistake. He needs to understand the error he's made, apologise profoundly to her, take on-board the fact he simply can't make comments like this to people and accept whatever punishment HR give him. I wouldn't have thought he'd be dismissed but he could be given a verbal warning.

YANBU bet over the years there’s been endless daft comments & off the cuff remarks between them.
sounds like whatever is going on with her is being taking out on him!

You are minimising like mad, OP! I had a similar comment made to me by a colleague many years ago. He literally cornered me behind my desk very early in the morning when nobody else was in the office and made creepy comments about why I'd come into work 'with a smile on your face'. It was revolting and I was both angry and upset. In hindsight, I should have reported him. Well done to your husband's colleague for doing so.

I know I am completely in the minority on MN with this kind of thing but I've always worked in places where we rip the piss out of each other, say funny and offensive things to each other, sexual talk, swear, god even fart next to each other so unlike anyone else I'm going to say I wouldn't of been bothered in the slightest 🤷‍♀️.

Well which was it? Happy or highly strung? Can’t have it both ways.

Formally reporting a colleague is a REALLY big deal in most organisations.

I would be prepared to bet considerable amounts of money that this is not his first inappropriate comment to her.

He might get a harder time than he thinks if she’s been keeping a log and this was just the one that broke the camels back.

You’d read the riot act if he had put his job at risk, but not over the fact he made a wildly inappropriate remark to a woman, no matter how long they’ve worked together?

The fact he is so blasé about it shows he doesn’t really understand what he has done. As others have said, I would wager this isn’t the fort time he’s been inappropriate with her.

FYI, the world hasn’t gone mad, most of the world understands women don’t have to put up with shit like this any more.

Absolutely - he has held his hands up!