Need to ditch a friend but can't tell her or anyone else why!

[eqpi4t2hbsnktd]

More of a WWYD..
I just found out that a mutual friend has shagged another mutual friend's husband. Husband then told his wife and they are working through things very privately.
I was told in confidence and do not intend to tell anyone.
However, I no longer what to be friends with the woman who shagged someone else's husband... I no longer trust or respect her.
How do I cut her off without telling my DP what she's done?

But surely they will be at the same events and parties if she is friends with his wife? Birthday parties, dinner parties, Christmas celebrations etc, it’s pretty common to invite your other half. So yes they may not have a friendship but she will still see him at these events. Does she carry on being nice to him when she sees him at said events or ignores and pretend he’s not there, like she’s doing to OW? It’s fairly accurate to think they all will be together at some point. It’s life, you meet friends and family at celebrations.

Yeah a bit... maybe I am getting too mentally involved.

Maybe everyone is a bit more relaxed than me... I just feel like friends shouldn't fuck each other's husbands! (unless that has been pre-agreed in which case crack on).

Maybe because she has form...

ah I knew they’d be a backstory. No doubt involving the Op and this friend

Just distance yourself from them both, the woman and the man in question.
You dont have to make a big deal, just sort of stay away from them. But no need to cut her off as a big gesture. It will cause more harm than good to your friend who has been wronged

Yeah a bit... maybe I am getting too mentally involved.

understatement

Would it not bother you at all?

How is your own relationship Op?

Right- too many posters on here are focussed on the husband - you can’t end a friendship that doesn’t exist and from what you’ve said, you aren’t his friend anyway.

For your DP, either tell them if they are someone who can keep a secret, or just say that the better you get to know ex-friend, you’ve realised she’s not a very nice person and can do without that drama in your life. I’m assuming ex-friend will guess why you are being distant.

What would DP say if you did tell him? My guess is something alone the lines of none of your business, don't see OW if you don't want to, you've never liked her anyway.

Well really you need to tell the cheated on friend that you know what happened and take it from there.

Which friend? The betrayed one after her dh confessed?

Ahh so it’s that she has sex and is single that is the issue 🙄

i recon you need a new friend group altogether. This one looks like a Jeremy Kyle show

There is so much nuance here

a very good friend who I love and has been in my life for decades (of which I’m blessed to have 2 such friends)… no I would not dump her over this because there would be reasons and even without reasons - she just loved him or fancied him, I still wouldn’t just dump her

a less good friend…. I wouldn’t be impressed and would distance myself but not of this silly navel gazing and drama about dumping her

I cut off a friend for this too a few years ago - never told her or anyone else (obviously her husband will never find out 🤣)
I jusr couldnt have socialised with them again knowing what she was doing it had gone on for a long time as well, not just a once off

And no doubt the op has concerns about her partner

Op you don’t like this person it would seem

So it’s baffling the energy you’re giving this, and to even think she’d care as you’re clearly not remotely close

Ghost her.
You don’t need to announce why.
Honestly, if she can’t guess why then telling her isn’t likely to make it much more obvious.

I agree with the comments about the husband but as you’ve explained it he’s barely anything to you anyway. Sounds like you just need to withdraw entirely from the situation, and in terms of sides you’re picking the poor wives. Fair play. I’d do the same. Ultimately he’ll do it again, but you can still be a good friend to her. It’s not your life to tell her what to do (not that you’ve suggested that).

Also this...

As I've asked...Everything is hearsay orherwise.

Friends should not fuck each others husbands, no.

But you have heard this second hand, the wife in question has not asked you to ‘be there for her’ or told you. She is the wronged woman.

Just stay right out if it. If you are a trustworthy honourable person you will not disclose this by telling anyone if by exhibiting “I’m not your friend “ behaviour.

Step right back.

This " I barely know the husband" thing - Does a part of your friendship with the wife not involve socialising with the husband? Dinners? Nights out? kids going to same events?

Oh OP, please ignore the posters who are determined the only person at fault is the married man, that as long as a woman isn’t married, she can fuck whoever she wants, and if he’s married the only person who’s done anything wrong there is the man. That you should just assume all female friends will try to fuck your partner and if he takes her up on the offer, he’s the only one in the wrong.

Yes it’s shitty the way in some cases the OW gets blamed more than the married man, but the idea that the OW is therefore completely blameless does seem ridiculous.

I would not want to be friends with someone who slept with married men, even if she was single. This doesn’t mean I fear she’ll seduce my husband, or I think she’s more at blame than the married man, but I do think it’s a sign she’s not a good person and I don’t have so few friends I need to tolerate crap people.

So your other friend told you, that means it's no longer a secret or am I getting confused lol

You sound way too invested in this. I wouldn’t cut the ‘OW’ friend off and make a big drama of it without knowing the full story but sounds like you don’t really like her anyway in which case it should be easy to step back without saying anything. Meanwhile direct your anger at the husband first and foremost.

I think OP is right, she needs to carry on as normal as far as the husband is concerned. Otherwise it's his wife who suffers from the strained friendship (he won't care anyway).

There doesn't need to be so much drama about the OW though. See her or don't.