Page 14 | Need to ditch a friend but can't tell her or anyone else why!

Arran2024 · 30/05/2025 18:28

Bit judgy imo. You don't know the ins and outs and it will make you look holier than thou if you stop speaking to her.

hcee19 · 30/05/2025 18:29

You could take your friend to one side, telling her you know what's gone on, you don't want to make a scene and will never talk about it to anyone else....
But, she isn't the person you thought she was and will be keeping my distance from hereon...

croydon15 · 30/05/2025 18:40

Make excuses after excuses that you are unable to meet until she gets the message. If in a group just ignore her.

MarvellousMonsters · 30/05/2025 18:42

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 29/05/2025 14:15

More of a WWYD..
I just found out that a mutual friend has shagged another mutual friend's husband. Husband then told his wife and they are working through things very privately.
I was told in confidence and do not intend to tell anyone.
However, I no longer what to be friends with the woman who shagged someone else's husband... I no longer trust or respect her.
How do I cut her off without telling my DP what she's done?

No need for drama, just ease back and spend less and less time with her, respond less to messages, create distance. If anyone asks say the friendship has just fizzled out.

Kellph83 · 30/05/2025 19:26

Just do it slowly. Limit contact, stop sending or replying to msgs quickly.. faze her out. Easily done to be honest

Whenim63 · 30/05/2025 19:34

HoppingPavlova · 30/05/2025 11:33

Alternatively, women are perfectly capable of independently deciding who they do and do not want in their life, for reasons that involve no one else

That should be amended to encompass all people in general, not just women. Men, women, undecided, are all free to make whatever decisions they want. However, that doesn’t mean that they can’t be called out on hypocrisy over those decisions, that the double standards and misogyny can’t be called out! BEng free to make whatever decisions you like doesn’t mean people can’t have opinions on those decisions. Whether someone cares about others opinions or not is a different matter.

Bore off with your totally imagined “double standards”. Op does not know the man involved in this, therefore cannot step back from that friendship, because there isn’t one.
And is it absolutely in no way misogynistic to hold women to account for their behaviour. Personal responsibility applies whether or not you have a penis. And “the married man made me do it” doesn’t fly any more than “the evil ow got her claws in me”.

TheFunDog · 30/05/2025 20:20

Live and let live.... Not your circus, not your monkey..... You don't know exactly what's gone on so you can't really take sides can you?
Affairs of the heart can be very exciting although sometimes the consequences can be really hard...

Laura95167 · 30/05/2025 20:54

I don't think this woman's behaviour was nice, but she's not the one who made vows to your friend.

Why is the cheating husband getting private quiet forgiveness? What's his consequence for wrecking his marriage and ruining a friendship?

And tbh i don't know why you'd keep this from your DP, I wouldn't. Even if i was discreet with other friends

Mamamiaaaaa · 30/05/2025 21:08

Ditch the bitch.

Mamamiaaaaa · 30/05/2025 21:15

Any woman on here supporting an adulterous sl*t, I imagine either it’s because you’ve done the same and have had an affair or would do the same if the opportunity arises. So you’re justifying her disgusting behaviour. Holding a woman accountable for sleeping with someone’s husband and ruining a family is not misogynistic, she’s a home wrecker. The husband that cheated is equally as disgusting and doesn’t deserve forgiveness but that’s on his wife for being a doormat and forgiving his filth. You don’t just accidentally sleep with someone, the underwear doesn’t just fall off by itself.
Anyway OP you should cut off the skank and you don’t need to keep it a secret from your husband, the repulsive adulterous duo have lost that privilege. Cut her off cold turkey, that’s you being kind.

Arran2024 · 30/05/2025 21:23

Mamamiaaaaa · 30/05/2025 21:15

Any woman on here supporting an adulterous sl*t, I imagine either it’s because you’ve done the same and have had an affair or would do the same if the opportunity arises. So you’re justifying her disgusting behaviour. Holding a woman accountable for sleeping with someone’s husband and ruining a family is not misogynistic, she’s a home wrecker. The husband that cheated is equally as disgusting and doesn’t deserve forgiveness but that’s on his wife for being a doormat and forgiving his filth. You don’t just accidentally sleep with someone, the underwear doesn’t just fall off by itself.
Anyway OP you should cut off the skank and you don’t need to keep it a secret from your husband, the repulsive adulterous duo have lost that privilege. Cut her off cold turkey, that’s you being kind.

Edited

I don't think it's about condoning behaviour - it's more about not judging someone. I'm in my 60s and have, over the years, watched friends and family do some - to me - frankly awful things. And they don't think they are awful. And if I fell out with all these people because I don't like their choices, where would that lead to?

I have family members who won't speak to each other because they disapprove of sth. Imo it's not worth it.

pollymere · 30/05/2025 22:05

It's a given that if you tell me, you've told DH.
My best friend always knew this when telling me anything. She once asked me for advice about her partner who has a medical issue. I asked a good male friend and got her an answer.

I then got together with male friend... It was awkward when we realised we all knew about his problem but he didn't know that we knew... He doesn't know to this day...

asrl78 · 30/05/2025 22:52

Arran2024 · 30/05/2025 21:23

I don't think it's about condoning behaviour - it's more about not judging someone. I'm in my 60s and have, over the years, watched friends and family do some - to me - frankly awful things. And they don't think they are awful. And if I fell out with all these people because I don't like their choices, where would that lead to?

I have family members who won't speak to each other because they disapprove of sth. Imo it's not worth it.

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Depends on how awful their actions were, but one thing it could lead too is it could get toxic people out of your life. It all depends on how bad the actions were and how forgivable they were as to whether or not you kick them out of your life.

Iceboy80 · 30/05/2025 23:01

Why do women make it sooooo complicated, just stop being friends, you don't need a reason just say youre not keen on her.

Livelovebehappy · 30/05/2025 23:15

Laura95167 · 30/05/2025 20:54

I don't think this woman's behaviour was nice, but she's not the one who made vows to your friend.

Why is the cheating husband getting private quiet forgiveness? What's his consequence for wrecking his marriage and ruining a friendship?

And tbh i don't know why you'd keep this from your DP, I wouldn't. Even if i was discreet with other friends

The husband is not getting ‘forgiveness’. OP has no relationship with him as has been pointed out a few times. There is no connection with him, so she can hardly withdraw or punish someone when there’s nothing there anyway.

changeme4this · 31/05/2025 02:18

I would explain to my OH. So much easier if he understands the mechanics behind your change of direction with the friend.

friendship’s do have use by dates and in my experience, our perception of our friends change as you have found out with yours.

personally I would tell her that you know and that you are angry or whatever your feelings are, that she has done this in your group circle. If she really needed a shag, she could have gone and found it outside of the group circle.

that’s where the trust and respect would end for me with her…

Caligirl80 · 31/05/2025 04:04

How do you know the story is true?? Seems rather judgemental and nasty to cut off a friend without talking to them about it. For all you know there was no affair at all. Of if there was an affair there may be some reasons for it that aren't so black and white as you might want to believe: the husband might be totally full of shite and convinced the other woman that they were in an open relationship; or said that the marriage was done and they were just together for the kids (a classic one!); or that his wife was abusing him but he was too scared to leave but desperately unhappy and needed a kind person in his life (again, another classic line - but narcissists do tend to target kind, naive, and empathetic people).

Point being: why are you believing this guy? Why haven't you talked to your friend about the situation? If she is actually a really good friend then it would be very unkind to cut her off without getting her side of the story.

The other point is this: Glass houses and stones: even if there was an affair, so what?? She did nothing to hurt you. These things happen - love is a bizarre thing at times. The only person who lied/cheated here is the husband, not the person he had the affair with. As such the person who should be ditched as a friend (based on your lying logic) - if anyone - is him!

Caligirl80 · 31/05/2025 04:08

Kellph83 · 30/05/2025 19:26

Just do it slowly. Limit contact, stop sending or replying to msgs quickly.. faze her out. Easily done to be honest

the question is why on earth wouldn't she also phase out the husband??? After all, he's the one who did the cheating. It's peculiar that the cheating men get a pass, but the women who they have the affair with (who haven't cheated on anyone or lied to anyone) get the blame. As if the men are somehow suckered in to having an affair.
Why on earth would OP want to still be friends with this guy?

Seems to me that if it's that easy to phase out a friend without even talking to that friend to understand what happened and why - and if they are okay! - then they weren't much of a friend to begin with.

Blablibladirladada · 31/05/2025 06:32

Don’t answer texts, calls, invites. If you bump into her smile, say hi but you are in a rush… no one that actually did something wrong will come and ask you why you are not friends anymore. She will know.

If anyone else asks…you have been extremely busy and didn’t have the time…

Sadworld23 · 31/05/2025 08:55

OK let's look at this another way.
Friend X stole Friend Ys nice necklace.
Friend Y found out and decided not to be friends with X.

You found out From Friend Z.

Your moral compass says, hmm I don't like Y and I don't want to be friends now.

WWYD ?

I think I would just quietly withdraw from Y, sorry I'm.busy, long waits for message replies etc. But if she asked me, I would tell her. And note there's always a risk Z is lying to protect someone else.

GreyCarpet · 31/05/2025 09:06

Caligirl80 · 31/05/2025 04:08

the question is why on earth wouldn't she also phase out the husband??? After all, he's the one who did the cheating. It's peculiar that the cheating men get a pass, but the women who they have the affair with (who haven't cheated on anyone or lied to anyone) get the blame. As if the men are somehow suckered in to having an affair.
Why on earth would OP want to still be friends with this guy?

Seems to me that if it's that easy to phase out a friend without even talking to that friend to understand what happened and why - and if they are okay! - then they weren't much of a friend to begin with.

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She isn't friends with the husband.

GreyCarpet · 31/05/2025 09:27

Laura95167 · 30/05/2025 20:54

I don't think this woman's behaviour was nice, but she's not the one who made vows to your friend.

Why is the cheating husband getting private quiet forgiveness? What's his consequence for wrecking his marriage and ruining a friendship?

And tbh i don't know why you'd keep this from your DP, I wouldn't. Even if i was discreet with other friends

I suppose because the OP doesn't have a relationship with him whereas she does with the woman.

She hasn't privately forgiven him but she only has contact with him via his wife who is her friend.

The woman is someone she goes out with, socialises with and spends time with with her childen and she doesn't feel comfortable with that level of friendship anymore.

As everyone always says on here, you don't owe anyone a relationship and you can end one for any reasons. "I'm not happy with it anymore," is a valid reason. The same applies to friendships too.

Laura95167 · 31/05/2025 09:39

GreyCarpet · 31/05/2025 09:27

I suppose because the OP doesn't have a relationship with him whereas she does with the woman.

She hasn't privately forgiven him but she only has contact with him via his wife who is her friend.

The woman is someone she goes out with, socialises with and spends time with with her childen and she doesn't feel comfortable with that level of friendship anymore.

As everyone always says on here, you don't owe anyone a relationship and you can end one for any reasons. "I'm not happy with it anymore," is a valid reason. The same applies to friendships too.

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Sorry just to be clear I'm not suggesting she stay friends with this woman. She owes her nothing.

I'm suggesting that this man, who she will be around due to the wronged friend doesn't deserve her discretion. If he wanted this dealt with privately he should have behaved better. And even the wronged friend is unfair to dump this on her and expect her full discretion

I wouldn't be concealing this from my DP, I wouldn't be pretending all was fine and ending my friendship and going through this drama and dilemma for someone else's mess. I'm not suggesting she gossip about it and humilate the betrayed friend just that she can completely reasonably tell the exfriend and her own DP the truth

LakieLady · 31/05/2025 10:08

Dangermoo · 29/05/2025 14:40

All unnecessarily dramatic. Tell her you know, and don't approve. The end.

This, absolutely.

Ending a friendship without explanation is a horrible thing to do.

If anyone else asks why you're no longer friends with her, just tell them it's between the two of you.

GreyCarpet · 31/05/2025 10:15

Laura95167 · 31/05/2025 09:39

Sorry just to be clear I'm not suggesting she stay friends with this woman. She owes her nothing.

I'm suggesting that this man, who she will be around due to the wronged friend doesn't deserve her discretion. If he wanted this dealt with privately he should have behaved better. And even the wronged friend is unfair to dump this on her and expect her full discretion

I wouldn't be concealing this from my DP, I wouldn't be pretending all was fine and ending my friendship and going through this drama and dilemma for someone else's mess. I'm not suggesting she gossip about it and humilate the betrayed friend just that she can completely reasonably tell the exfriend and her own DP the truth

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Oh, I'd definitely be telling my partner. I agree.