Need to ditch a friend but can't tell her or anyone else why!

[eqpi4t2hbsnktd]

More of a WWYD..
I just found out that a mutual friend has shagged another mutual friend's husband. Husband then told his wife and they are working through things very privately.
I was told in confidence and do not intend to tell anyone.
However, I no longer what to be friends with the woman who shagged someone else's husband... I no longer trust or respect her.
How do I cut her off without telling my DP what she's done?

What if it’s all unfounded it’s scary & alarming how so many readily believe unsubstantiated rumours. There’s no evidence. This is how gossip circulates at school gates as some love the drama & getting knife in & things get ramped up.

Why are people being so unnecessarily mean to YOU? Just say that you’ve had a disagreement with her and leave it at that. I think you are being a good friend.

I’ll tell you what I WOULDN’T do. I wouldn’t try to take the moral high ground. You’ve been given salacious chatter in confidence and rightly resolved to keep it to yourself. Anything you do or say will betray that confidence and possibly add to the hurt, guilt, insecurity, anger and confusion that the folks involved are going through. This is their story, not yours. Keep an open mind and stand ready to reach out with counsel and support if you’re asked for it.

What about for the sake of your friend whose been cheated on?

@MusicMakesItAllBetter- you can filter by just the OPs responses- she’s gone into this, she really doesn’t have any sort of friendship with the cheating man to end. She’s on nodding terms/polite hello level already. (There’s a fair few posters who clearly only socialise as couples who struggle with the idea you could be friends with a woman and barely know her husband!)

WWYD… distance myself from them all. Including the wife sadly. I’ve been the friend in a couple of situations like this and it never works out well. The wife is innocent in this but she’ll likely ditch you at some point, whether it’s when her and DH try to make a go of it or when she meets someone else. I know this sounds really cruel but I’ve learned the hard way. Stay away until things settle down and are out in the open, you can choose the wife’s side then.

Maybe keep your beak out

Why can't you tell your husband? I most definitely would.

If you don't want to bother with her, just tell her and let her worry about the repercussions from her actions. She's not about to run to the wronged wife and complain about you, is she? In fact, she'd probably rather keep her head down.

one of my friends did this - she slept with one of her best friends husbands on multiple occasions. It was kind of weird. He was very attractive, so was she, they obviously coukd have been an item in a parallel universe. Anyway, his wife never wanted sex, and her DH and her had gone completely cold toward each other and had separate bedrooms. Basically he propositioned her, and she didn’t say no. It was kind of obvious that something was going on from the way they spoke to each other, but nobody said anything. I think this must be more common than we think!

Who cares? Maybe they're in a non-monogomous relationship. Who made you judge, jury and executioner?

I'm not struggling with anything thank you very much.

Of course people can have friendships and not really know/like the person's OH. Entirely possible.

I was thinking more of the friendship between the wife and OP.

In OPs shoes I'd tell my DH/DP and see what they say of the situation.

Good point although OP did say the married couple are working through things so may not non monogamous

I'm just wondering why you feel you can't inform your friend, if you're 100 per cent sure, it's factual that he's cheated on his wife? Most Surely I'd wish to be informed by a friend, to me, being honest, is part & parcel of being a sincere friend
Would you prefer to know the truth, if it was your partner cheating on you?
I mean yes sure it would hurt to know this painful truth, temporarily, but long term, surely we can all see she would be much better off, knowing what's been happening, so she can rebuild her life & make decisions with awareness, as opposed to ones based on lies

Yes this !

The wife knows, the husband told her

RTFT please. She isn’t friends with the husband anyway so no need to cut off

I wouldn't want to be this woman's friend either. People have affairs. Others don't have to merrily agree with it. When people find it difficult to parse what they want to advise they often revert to 'looking for drama' or 'jealous' or 'are you worried about Your husband '. Bollocks. She doesn't want that kind of friend. The husband isn't a friend so no, she isn't a hypocrite.

The wife is aware so you don't have any conflict over whether to tell her. That's good. I wouldn't say too much. Just cool right off. Say 'hello' if you see her in person but turn down any direct invitations. Don't respond any chat. I wouldn't get too involved if the couple are pushing through. Just no more chat. If she asks you can confirm what's happened and say 'it's not something id be interested in getting involved in discussing in depth but since you ask, its the kind of thing that puts a bit of distance in place'.

Immense Thankfulness For Your Enlightenments 💚🌼💚God Bless You&Yours

You're making yourself involved by not being honest to your friend about the reasons behind the cheating. You've literally heard one version of 3...So what's the context to it all.. Always more to a story.

You clearly don't believe in cheating, however, you are being dishonest or just as bad when you don't offer your ex friend the context to why you no longer want to be friends with her. The person who told you, are they the person who's husband cheated or was it by a different friend? Again, feelings/thoughts/ opinions can all be contributed to the story.. Causing knee jerk reaction.

You are not a good friend when you can't stand by your moral high ground. You are becoming intwined in the mess...

There is also the possibility all the people involved secretly have an open marriage. The mere thought appalls me although I would never sit in judgement of those who quietly live this lifestyle.

Will you also be cutting ties with the husband? He's also despicable...and with the wife for being so naive and taking him back? I wouldn't want to be friends with any of that drama.