Need to ditch a friend but can't tell her or anyone else why!

[eqpi4t2hbsnktd]

More of a WWYD..
I just found out that a mutual friend has shagged another mutual friend's husband. Husband then told his wife and they are working through things very privately.
I was told in confidence and do not intend to tell anyone.
However, I no longer what to be friends with the woman who shagged someone else's husband... I no longer trust or respect her.
How do I cut her off without telling my DP what she's done?

Since you’re not even close friends with them I guarantee most people know, they’ve all been told in confidence & are keeping schtum. I’d suggest you do too. Keep your nose out of other people’s business because it won’t end well for you if you meddle.

Don't get involved with any of them. If no-one knows, then no-one knows do they?

Well your first mistake was posting on here OP because as per usual with the batshittery on here you are jealous and bored and it’s a shit reason to drop a friend and you didn’t like her much anyway.
Its like being on a different planet on here sometimes

@eqpi4t2hbsnktd
I don’t blame you, I wouldn’t want a friend like that either.
i would go quiet on her and do a slow fade.

It's a shame you don't feel able to share this with your fella and know he would keep it private. I must be lucky, my partner is the one person I share everything with and trust completely to keep privacy. Anyway, fuck her. Not literally, obviously! 😂

I wonder if it may be the case that women who have relationships with married men are judged more harshly by other women than the cheating spouse; due to the threat these women present to their own poor DH being ‘tempted’ and succumbing to her magical charms, and wicked ways

Yes I agree with this.
Ive been fascinated to see (and experience first hand) what occurs in a friendship group of 40 somethings when the separations and divorces start happening, and how women react when a newly single friend loses weight, suddenly becomes ‘hot’, starts going out on child free weekends and is buzzing with the new lease of life etc.

it may not be acknowledged explicitly but usually completely unfairly , dynamics change as these women are seen as a potential threat to be avoided in certain scenarios. Possibly at a time when they have never needed support from their close friends as much
Never mind the pathetic DH’s who eyes start wandering and the drunken fawning and flattery out of earshot begins.
l

This will simply be a bored Op with far too much time on her hands to stew about this.

OP you aren’t even close to this woman. You don’t seem to even like her irrespective of this latest bit of drama.

Just crack on with your life and try to fill it with something a little more healthy

Just do it then. Distance yourself, be unavailable, you don't need permission from random mn users.

This thread is madness!

I don’t believe that people are ultimately good or bad, and sometimes good people make bad choices. This could be one of those times but I would take into consideration how long it had been going in (ONS OR FULL BLOWN AFFAIR?). Also, if it was one of my really good friends, I wouldn’t judge her but try to support her. However, given your comments about how much you judge her for her sex life, I am guessing that this isn’t the case.

I do also feel you are giving this too much head space and you are (indirectly) inserting yourself. Any action would only add fuel to the fire. I would absolutely pretend that I hadn’t heard the gossip, and continue as normal, until the people involved talked to you directly about it or you felt it was appropriate to talk to them.

stay classy OP. Keep well out of it and just quietly back off from all of the drama. If you don’t want to be around the OW, then politely, avoid this. It’s really quite simple and only as complicated as you make it. You clearly don’t like her (and I am hoping it is not purely down to judgements about her sex life). with regards to the husband, of course you will have to interact with him at some point, but that is out of loyalty to your friend.

I would bet my bottom dollar that there is more to come on this story, and now is not the time to react.

Was about to say that about the husband too.

I get it, OP.

Some posters on here can't bear to think of a woman holding another woman accountable for her actions.

A few years ago, my best friend had an affair with a married man and he left his wife for her. I was the only one of our friendship group who knew it started as an affair - everyone else just believed that they'd met at work (that was true).

We remained friends but she was clear about how I felt about it all.

I began to distance myself from her when she complained about his ex wife not wanting her to meet their teenage children, not wanting her to lavish expensive gifts on them and move them into her house because it was nicer and she was nicer than his ex and, "I can give them a much better life than she can."

And then the inevitable happened. He cheated on her and did a midnight flit.

Everyone rallied round to support her, called him all sorts, how could he do this to her, poor her. And I just had enough.

I kept her confidence though and never told anyone it had been an affair but it resulted in me losing the entire friendship group because no one understood how I could be so uncaring.

They hadn't heard the shit I'd heard for 3 years!

And him? Well he wasn't my friend in the first place. I didn't need to cut him off. He tried getting in touch with me about a year after he left her and I ignored him 🙄

You can't cut off someone who isn't your friend in the first place.

But you might well find that your other friends take her side if they don't know why you've done it and feel that you're being unkind to her. You just need to decide what's more important to you.

I made the right choice.

This was your “best” friend?

you don’t sound like you liked her very much

I think the important word here is ‘WAS’.

Im guessing she liked her before the husband shagging

Yes but the best friend must have undergone a complete personality transformation as a result of this affair for the poster to change her view on her best friend so seismically

Or maybe she saw her in a different light. No one is obligated to stay friends if they do something you don’t agree with.

I would find it hard to support that

I didn't by the end.

She was great until she hit late 40s and had an odd transformation into someone who actively pursued married men.

He was her first and only only actual 'affair' but there had been at least two other dalliances with married men in the months before this one and because she thought she was 'better' than their wives and could offer them a better lifestyle. The men disagreed and, whilst I've no doubt they enjoyed the flirting, they didn't take it any further.

She had a well paying job and unfortunately started to behave like someone who thought people could be bought.

So, whilst she'd been my closest friend for many years, people change.

But it's anathema on MN to suggest that a woman would ever behave like this or be in the wrong.

I suppose I just love and trust my two best friends so much, and have known them for so long, I read posts like this and the “best friendship” has very little in common with my interpretation of a best friendship 🤷‍♀️

How long had you known her before she had this “odd transformation”?

id have been very worried for my friend if she suddenly had a transformation in late forties having known her for 25 years prior to that

I’d not contact her and if she contacts you with an invite etc I’d reply ‘ I don’t think so’. If she pushes for an explanation, I’d say something like ‘I’m spending time with (wife’s name)’.

This all depends on being absolutely certain of what has happened.

Argh it’s still not clear who told you!
cheating friend
wronged friend
another friend altogether

you keep saying she/her/friend, could be any one of these

About 10 years or so. So around 15 years in total.

She was never like that before. She was a fiercely independent, intelligent, hilarious, kind, generous, empathetic woman and a good friend to all.

But she changed during the last 5 years of the friendship into someone I eventually no longer wanted in my life.

It was actually really difficult being in the position of keeping her confidence and knowing the truth. Because there was a wife out there whose whole life had been destroyed. And she'd been prepared to do it to others too. And no one else knew this side of her.

It would be a huge mental toll on the OP to carry on as 'normal' and know what she does. It changes how you see a person.

Do you think the friend who has been shagging the husband is ok otherwise? You say she has form for shagging a lot generally - does that bother you?

People are complex and good people do bad things. Bad people do good things.

You don't know how true the accusation is, you don't know the context, you don't know a lot. The story you have been told could be inaccurate or missing key components.

I wonder whether her complete transformation went hand in hand with something very serious going on for her personally

This op isn’t close to this “friend” and doesn’t seem to like her even this issue aside

so i very much doubt she’d suffer a heavy “mental toll” no matter the outcome