Need to ditch a friend but can't tell her or anyone else why!

[eqpi4t2hbsnktd]

More of a WWYD..
I just found out that a mutual friend has shagged another mutual friend's husband. Husband then told his wife and they are working through things very privately.
I was told in confidence and do not intend to tell anyone.
However, I no longer what to be friends with the woman who shagged someone else's husband... I no longer trust or respect her.
How do I cut her off without telling my DP what she's done?

massively missing the point of the thread and a whole lot of surmising to boot.

I think it’s ok to step back from the friendship in this situation, tbh if it was my mutual friends I couldn’t look OW in the eye again

Completely agree, some absolute belters on here tonight, hope they are never in this situation

I think the problem is that you almost certainly don’t know the whole story. For all you know there could be a whole background to this that could change your perspective.
People can project an image of a happy marriage and yet behind the scenes things are falling apart.
Maybe the husband was telling the OW all sorts of tales about how awful his marriage was and maybe she fell head over heels with him. Doesn’t excuse it, but it does throw a different light on it.
Maybe wife has cheated on him in the past and has been cruel to him. Again doesn’t excuse it, but could throw a different light.
maybe he cheats all the time and this is just a long line of many.

I think people are also picking up on your prejudice against her for being a slag. I know you haven’t used that word, but that’s the vibe.

Nope, no surmising – have quoted directly from the OP's own posts.

She's said quite plainly that she was already judging this woman's sex life before this new aspect ever emerged.

I think you’re overinvested and it’ll come back to bite YOU on the arse if you do anything other than just carry on as normal.

You run the risk of someone asking you why you’re no longer friends and - in an unguarded moment and/or after a few drinks perhaps - there’s a chance you might tell them “in strictest confidence, don’t tell anyone else” and before you know it, YOU’RE the gossip and become a common enemy.

You don’t need to be judge and jury and cut her (the affair woman) off, and if the wife wants to try and carry on/try and rebuild surely you need to carry on as normal too?

Try and forget you know! No good will come of any other action.

I wasn’t talking about that sentence, the part where you were guessing she ‘doesn’t like this woman’ when she has previously invited her to spend time with her family.

It sounds pretty clear that the sticking point of the friendship was when she thought it was ok to get with her mutual friend’s
husband.

But interpret it as you will

Op, I had something similar. I just stepped back from the friendship. Started fading out. It worked as I don’t see her at all now, and it just felt like a friendship which fizzled out, with no unnecessary drama. I get where you’re coming from. Once someone shows you who they really are, and show unpleasant traits and low moral compass, it’s hard to be around them.

Agree. Although some are like sheep, and see the beginning of a pile on, and decide to join in. Nothing wrong with OP wanting to cut off the friendship. If some people on here have such a low bar when it comes to friendships, it’s pretty sad.

I don’t think it shows another light at all.

Any good friend wouldn’t sleep with their friends husband or wife because of a story. A random maybe but your actual friend believing their partners story to then sleep with them behind your friends back. There is no shining light it’s pure out and out betrayal by both.

Sitting there listening to your friend maybe even showing concerns about being worried their partners story might be cheating all while being that very person. Not many lower than that. Thats an extra slap in the face being the shoulder to listen to concerns while being the actual concern.

You effectively can't stay friends with both of these woman after being given the information you have by the one woman. As if you did it would back fire on you, it could be seen that you are going from one to the other with tittle tattle about the events that preceded them falling out.

You have chosen which woman you want to stay friends with and which woman you don't want to stay friends with in this situation.

You can tell the woman that you are now unable to stay friends with her as this could be seen as you passing information between them and becoming involved with the situation. Therefore as the other woman is the non guilty part in this situation you have decided to stay friends and support her.

I'd be equally angry with the friend that is spreading the rumour!

She is hardly a good friend to the wife.

Subtly fade her out but why wouldn’t you tell your husband? When someone tells me not to tell someone something, I always tell my husband! He’s my husband… it’s just what I do and he then wouldn’t repeat it to anyone. I don’t need to keep secrets from him.

I would never keep secrets from my DH. It's a case of tell me something you tell us both. I trust him implicitly so there would be no worries about the 'secret' going further. I always tell the person confiding in me this is my policy and why. I've never had anyone objecting. The reason we believe in sharing issues like you describe OP means we never have the worry of exactly the situation you are describing. We would discuss it & decide the best way forward for us as a couple.

I agree. I'm bemused by quite a few of the responses and the irrelevant excuses that are being made up to defend the cheating friend and husband.

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who might make a move on my husband.

Why is she being a doormat? Please don’t judge other people. You have no idea what is going on in their lives. I know this is the internet but still - you can offer your opinion without judging.

I wouldn't tell my husband he has form for forgetting confidential stuff and blurting it out later down the line, even family stuff 🙄

We don’t even know if anyone has had an affair - it’s all dubious, secondhand gossip. OP
says she’s no idea why a mutual friend confided only in her about all this. No wonder some groups of women so toxic, no context or anything yet.

We don’t know if anyone has cheated or context, hearsay.

@Nothankyov not aimed at you but poster you responded to. Think we agree.

You're not close so what practical difference would it make for you to stop being "friends" with her?

This is Mumsnet; where people froth at the mouth, waiting to be nasty, cruel and hateful to a poster asking for advice.

Just read some of these replies. They have little to do with the subject, and several people are so out of their minds enjoying their ability to be cruel and inhumane. For example; the poster wanting to know all about the OP's sex life. That's some crazy-azzed and deranged posting right there. Not a one of them has had any useful advice. They have just WAY TOO enjoyed sticking the knife in and twisting it around.

Yeah she’s broken the nice friend/girls code and I’d not have her in my life anymore either she doesn’t deserve to have friends behaving like that.

Don’t tell anyone anything just remove her from your life. If she does say something ,not likely, tell her you know and you can’t be friends with someone who would hurt another friend like that.

As for the cheating husband don’t even get me started. Just blank him when you see him and support his poor wife when he does it again to her.

OP, I think you’re getting way too hard a time here lol. Perfectly justifiable to be questioning how to approach this, I think.

Not entirely sure why you’re suddenly the villain of the piece when there’s Shagger1, Shagger2 and the GossipyFriend who spilt the tea in the first place.

Yep, this thread is a classic example of people just eager to pounce on OP despite how illogical their reasons are.

Accusing OP of misogyny for wanting to cut friend out yet not the man despite the fact OP has said she has literally no friendship with the man therefore there is nothing to cut out.

Accusing OP of being dramatic when she actually wanted to keep it so discreet she didn't want to tell her husband.

Accusing OP of being jealous or having a crap relationship for expressing any opinion on her friends actions.

They are at best idiots, at worst nasty little trolls who simply enjoy tearing others down.