Need to ditch a friend but can't tell her or anyone else why!

[eqpi4t2hbsnktd]

More of a WWYD..
I just found out that a mutual friend has shagged another mutual friend's husband. Husband then told his wife and they are working through things very privately.
I was told in confidence and do not intend to tell anyone.
However, I no longer what to be friends with the woman who shagged someone else's husband... I no longer trust or respect her.
How do I cut her off without telling my DP what she's done?

Would it matter?

I knew what was going on in her life. We talked. She had normal life stuff going on, a high paying high pressured career, owned a couple of houses outright, had hobbies, friends, travelled etc. But she also developed a tendancy to look down on women who had achieved less than she had hence a belief that she could provide these men with a better life.

No ones life is a bed of roses. And we don't use personal stuff going on to justify men having affairs.

Even if that were the case, there are ways to deal with your own problems that don't involve blowing up someone else's life.

If my best friend was enduring something very difficult personally or mentally?

er yes… it would “matter”

The mental toll wouldn't be down to the friendship but due to the lie she was now complicit in. You end up feeling like you're living in a parallel narrative with everyone else. Where it looks the same on the surface but underneath it isn't. And some people feel that more than others.

But you disagree and don't understand that element of it and that's fine. We all have different experiences.

I'm just saying I understand why the OP feels the need to remove this woman from her life right now.

If you know and you're not supposed to then you can guarantee that others know. And others will probably know that you know

Yes, it would matter in the context of you don't want your friend to suffer but not in the context of everything they do being forgivable or acceptable.

If one of your close friends were going through something awful (mine wasn't btw) would that justify any and all of their behaviours? What if it were your husband she pursued or slept with? Would that be understandable? Would you still want to be there for her? Would you still care what she was going through?

I’d be worried about my friend’s mental health. So unfathomable this would be

my point is… doesn’t sound to me like this woman would even notice if the op “ditched” her as they’re not close and op doesn’t even seem to like her fundamentally

With respect, I think if you found out she'd had an affair with your husband, your priority would not be her mental health!

Honestly, and I’m not kidding, but I’ve known my friend for two decades longer than my husband

I would genuinely be worried as hell about my friend because so utterly unfathomable this would be

In which case, it doesn't matter if she does.

Exactly my point!

so no need for navel gazing

Well, I think if your husband of 20+ years upped and left you for anyone (which are the specifics of what you and I are discussing not the OP), thereby throwing you and your life into turmoil (or even just had an affair), in reality, your primary concern would not be checking in on how she was doing.

No one is navel.gazing. I contributed to a thread and you asked about it so I responded. Nothing more than that.

Of course you must tell your husband. You may have nothing private from him! I don't know where you got the idea that you are a separate person. Every thought in your head belongs to him.

The wife is forgiving the man who cheated on her and not dumping him and presumably you will still socialise with him, but you are not forgiving the woman even though she has done nothing to you.

Not really making much of a point there. I would avoid making the situation worse by putting your oar in.

Exactly, I’ve asked a few times but OP is not saying.
It’s not the ‘wronged’ wife as OP said she doesn’t know that OP knows.
It’s not the ‘wrongee’ 😂 friend as OP wouldn’t have to drop her without her knowing.
It’s not the adulterer husband as OP is not really friends with him, hence why she doesn’t need to cut him out of her life 🧐

So my guess is it’s complete hearsay, and OP just likes drama 🤷‍♀️

In reality “your primary concern…”

I can tell you what my primary concern would be… it would be my best friend since I was 8 had suddenly changed from being the kindest, sweetest, most supportive loving friend you can imagine.. in to this. So yes, I would be very worried about what the hell is going on with her.

This seems to antagonise you but in short… different strokes for different folks

Yup, this.

All hearsay
About someone she is not close to
nor particularly liked anyway

Alternatively, women are perfectly capable of independently deciding who they do and do not want in their life, for reasons that involve no one else.

Alternatively, women are perfectly capable of independently deciding who they do and do not want in their life, for reasons that involve no one else

That should be amended to encompass all people in general, not just women. Men, women, undecided, are all free to make whatever decisions they want. However, that doesn’t mean that they can’t be called out on hypocrisy over those decisions, that the double standards and misogyny can’t be called out! BEng free to make whatever decisions you like doesn’t mean people can’t have opinions on those decisions. Whether someone cares about others opinions or not is a different matter.

I’m not sure why you need all this drama around it. Her behaviour has upset you, there’s no need for adding anything more to it. Just distance yourself from her, be busy and it will gently drift.

this isn’t about you, don’t add to it. Just let it simply drift because you don’t agree with her behaviour

I don't know - I think 'her' could refer to anyone here!
When OP says 'she doesn't know' she might mean the wronger or the wronged... or both!

In theory person 1 told Op that person 2 had shagged person 3's husband...
It's all infuriating

OP has said, it was a mutual friend. Not either of the women directly involved. Though not much of a friend to go around gossiping.

OP’s definition of “friend” seems quite different to mine ie she really doesn’t like or respect this woman even setting aside this particular issue

so I’m guessing the mutual “friend” was someone saying to the Op on the pub toilets that she’d heard on the grapevine!

I’d stay miles the fuck out of it , it has nothing to do with you ..
Your friend is working it out with her husband..
I can’t believe either the way lots lay all blame on your friend in these posts. ( you included)
It takes 2 ..
Normally, it’s full of men haters here 🙄
When it comes to cheating then , it’s all the woman’s fault 🙄