Need to ditch a friend but can't tell her or anyone else why!

[eqpi4t2hbsnktd]

More of a WWYD..
I just found out that a mutual friend has shagged another mutual friend's husband. Husband then told his wife and they are working through things very privately.
I was told in confidence and do not intend to tell anyone.
However, I no longer what to be friends with the woman who shagged someone else's husband... I no longer trust or respect her.
How do I cut her off without telling my DP what she's done?

FFS, OP isn't friends with the man in this scenario, she's friends with the woman.

Stop derailing the thread by turning it into a way to bash the OP for misogyny. She doesn't have to stay friends with a woman just to make things 'fair'. It's absolutely valid not to want a relationship with someone who has shown they can't be trusted not to blow up their friends' lives.

Honestly, I'd just tell my DP and ask him not to say anything.

The fact someone has told YOU in "confidence" makes me think this will soon be known by everyone. People who share other people's "confidences" don't stop after one conversation.

I'd also tell my husband - I don't keep secrets from him and he wouldn't gossip with my friends as he rarely sees them.

As for the woman you want to drop, you can either be direct with her or be repeatedly unavailable if she tries to make contact. Never tell lies as they have a way of catching you out.

Let's assume that @eqpi4t2hbsnktd can confirm that this 'gossip' is 100% accurate, none of your other points make any difference.

Responses on this thread are ridiculous!?? What is so hard to understand? Her friend slept with her other friends husband, she is not friends with the husband!
How could anyone continue this friendship? Good for you OP staying loyal to your betrayed friend.
I would just blank her, not respond to messages etc and hopefully she will soon realise why.

OP plenty of people on this thread can totally see why you would no longer want to be friends with this woman.

I'm wondering whether the people who are interrogating you about your sex life, saying you must be jealous and that it's totally fine for a single woman to sleep with whoever she wants are being defensive because they have also slept with married men and tell themselves it's all fine.

I don't think there's any excuse for a man to sleep with his wife's friend either, but you're not friends with the husband anyway so that's irrelevant. I also don't think there's any excuse for sleeping with a friend's husband. Unless she was very drunk and unaware of what she was doing, but that would be a whole different issue. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who could be so heartless and cruel towards someone she's supposed to be friends with either, not because I'd be worried she might steal my DH but because I like to be friends with loyal people.

Depending on how close I was to the disloyal friend, I would either tell her I know or do a slow fade. I don't really understand why you don't want to tell your DH, is he friends with the cheating husband? Do you not trust him not to gossip?

Would be a complete hard line for me too.

Arms length is all you need, no need for drama. Just be unavailable and vague.

But this post is specifically about the friend, she's not asking about the husband so why bring him up?

Thanks everyone for the kindness and understanding.
I'm not going to get involved.
I am not going to ask anyone if it's true or not.
I am going to slow fade from OW and be there for wife in the same capacity as I was before.
And I will sleep on telling my DP.... but maybe he doesn't need to know (considering our sex life is in the pan and he's probably cheating anyway... joke😉)

There are a lot of people on MN who don't seem to place any blame on the OW as she "didn't owe anyone anything". Apart from basic decency towards another person. Of course the husband is to blame and more so. But the OW is a shitty person as well who has no doubt helped to cause untold pain.

You’re sill not saying who told you?

I dont have any friends with "partners" though I do have one friend with a boyfriend. They're both gay men though and they're always having threesomes anyway, so they probably wouldn't be that bothered!

So, a friend of the wife decided to tell you "in confidence" something she's heard second hand which is none of her business, and you are now lying to the wife, the "OW", and your own DP based on a now third hand secret that clearly everyone is talking about and pretending not to know about, whilst only hearing one side of the story as filtered through many gossips. I'm very glad I'm not in your friendship group.

I’m with you op, I couldn’t remain friends with someone who could treat another ‘friend’ like that. She’s not very good at having friends!

The husband isn’t your friend so you don’t need to break off that friendship. Not sure what people don’t understand about that!

I would be rubbish though as I would want to say exactly why I didn’t want anymore to do with her, which you can’t do. Maybe you just need to do the, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’, ‘just not that into you’, ‘we’ve grown apart’ speech.

Ok, well when you get some friends who are married or in monogamous relationships perhaps rethink your stance on whether you think this is ok. It’s a very immature view

Earlier on in this thread you said of this woman, that she had 'Just form of shagging anyone... not people's partners'.

And then you admitted that you had already judged her (negatively) merely for having a sex life (nothing to do with her having slept with the other woman's husband): 'Yeah I was judging her for sleeping around...that is true',

So you don't actually mean 'If she slept with just anyone that would be fine', do you.

Why not just admit it – you don't like this woman, and you have LOVED judging her about any aspect of her sex life.

Sounds like you'll be doing her a favour in exiting the 'friendship' you've previously offered her.

I can't imagine knowing something like that and keeping it from my dp.

Don’t tell DH 😬
You said yourself you’d rather have not known. I’d forget I knew tbh

It's got nothing to do with you.

The wife wants to keep it private. She hasnt involved you, and isn't asking for your support or solidarity. So stop pretending you're doing this for her. You are just enjoying getting involved in the drama.

So stay out of it and stop making it about you and your relationship with your friend.

Either return your friend's calls / arrange to meet etc or don't. Its that simple. No need for a big drama over it.

You say you have no intention of ever mentioning the affair but if you continue with this nonsense it will inevitable come out.

I agree!

Christ, the amount of people going in to bat for someone who fucked her mate's husband 🙄

Fuck. THAT!

OP has said about 100 times that she's not mates with the husband and has no relationship with him. What do you want her to do - become mates with his just so she can dump him off so it's 'equal'?!

Fair play to you, OP. I wouldn't want a friend who was capable of that either. Fucking a friend's DH is about as low as you get.

If I were you I'd just stop replying to her messages and if you see her be cordial but cold and uninterested. She'll soon get the message.

Hopefully the friend in question will dump her cheating shit of a husband off, too.

Just to really stick the knife into the wife huh?

People are being weird on this thread. Of course you can’t cut the husband out of your life if he’s not your friend to begin with and you still want to be there to support his wife. If one of my friends shagged another friend’s husband, I’d feel the same way as you. But I’d bloody well tell her why I don’t want to be her mate anymore. Why should she get to swan around thinking she’s got away with it. I’d want her to know that people know. It’s a really terrible thing to do that to a friend.

I've no idea why you repeatedly quote me, but maybe you're one of those people (rife on here) who can't grasp that not everyone thinks like you.