Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

If the hotel has been reserved for exclusive use of the wedding guests you would have been unreasonable to turn up and hang around.

If the hotel is open to the public and you are paying for your own room, then of course you can go.

If there is a family breakfast event the following day, it follows this is part of the wedding so you shouldn’t go.

Is he saying that spouses are not allowed to observe the ceremony & stay at the hotel at all? So if you wanted to tag along for a pamper weekend & do a bit of shopping & eat separately; you will not be allowed to do this?

He doesn't own the hotel and he hasn't hired it for exclusive use only so he can fuck right off with his restrictions. He doesn't want to be reminded of his decision to bar spouses so he'd rather not see you at all that weekend. That's what he's trying to say without saying it out loud.

Is the whole hotel reserved for the wedding?

If there's other members of the public around then it's fine to use the hotels amenities. I wouldn't expect to be invited in for a dance at all, that bit did make it sound like you were thinking you could just turn up for the evening.

If you really want to go (although why would you when made clear you'reso unwelcome?) contact the hotel and find out what facilities will be open to the public/non wedding guests that weekend.

I think it would be unusual for a hotel bar to be closed to residents, even if they were hosting a wedding.

Personally I'd probably go and have my spa weekend elsewhere.

Sounds like they have paid per head (hence the restrictions on spouses in the first place) and the groom is worried about trouble with the venue if it comes across like they've tried to sneak an extra few people in.

Cringe. Why on earth are you even going to the hotel? You’re not invited and it’s rude to just show up. You’re embarrassing yourself and your husband.

If the hotel is open to other guests they will presumably have other bar facilities available if one is closed for the wedding so you should still be able to get a drink in those. There will presumably also be somewhere where you can get breakfast. It would be odd for a hotel to close their dining facilities and not tell customers in advance.

So are you planning to stay in the room with your husband? Who is paying for the room?

Just don't go to the hotel at all. You're not invited and shouldn't be hanging around on the fringes hoping be invited in for a dance or having breakfast with the wedding guests! Go to another hotel if you want a spa break.

It’s quite normal for hotels to have smaller bar areas that are reserved for an event. There might be a capacity restriction, they might have put money behind the bar for invited guests. He’s being polite by being clear upfront so there’s no embarrassment at the time. Basically he’s saying he knows some spouses etc are coming to stay at the hotel, which is fine, but please don’t come to the invited guests parts, and please don’t ask your spouses to go to bars or breakfast with you as he wants to have the invited guests all together. Of course he can’t make your husband go and have breakfast with the other wedding guests, or go to the reserved bar rather than a public one with you, but given it’s his wedding and he’s nicely explained who has been invited etc, please don’t try to muscle in at the edges.

You're not invited.

They know that you're hoping to get invited in as you'll be hanging around the venue.

It's embarrassing.

Don't go to that hotel. Have a great time at another one.

Again, you are not invited. Don't go. You'll just make a scene.

No. He saying that his wedding is only allowing those that are invited. The op can go the hotel but will not be invited into the bar the night before as the bar has been reserved as a private function.

If the bar and breakfast are catered for as part of the wedding then you can't use them. If you don't use the bar and there is a big dance floor I don't see why you couldn't join in that bit, although there may be security on the door to keep non guests out. Breakfast again if there is an area reserved for guests then a bit tricky, if it's just one big room then no problem. Often these things are a bit more lax when you get there than they sound in writing.

Go to another hotel and spa and have a lovely time. Don’t get caught up on the fringes of this one

Accept you're not invited and stop being so pushy. Desperate.

She can't join on the big dance floor as she is not invited.

Is there something about weddings where people look for loopholes when they are not invited?

It's not hard. No invite, no attendance

Its your MIL’s nephew fgs. Nothing to do with you. Apparently he is avoiding have 22 potential plus ones show up. How can you not see that?

Go to another hotel, why are you tagging along when you're not invited?

It sounds like they have a very big family and had to restrict numbers somehow and have been fair and reasonable. You are being a bit rude then deciding to turn up at the hotel anyway. You haven't been invited just find something else to do for the weekend.

You can't see why univited guests can't join the dance floor at a wedding? So any random could rock up and dance at your wedding?

Oh don’t hang around waiting to be invited in, that’s embarrassing for absolutely everyone. Go and do something else, somewhere else.

We stayed at a hotel once where a wedding was taking place. It was a disaster for other guests, we could only eat in a pretty basic bar area and service was terrible the staff were all busy with the wedding. There were drunken guests practically falling about all over and children running amok. If we had known no way would we have stayed there, so you might have a nicer time in another hotel.

@Notmotherofflowergirls but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins

I am struggling to understand which bit of this you don't understand. You are not invited. That's it. End of discussion.

Why are you going at all?
Have you not seen recent threads about people sneaking into weddings?
Go and do something else, its embarrasing for everyone to have people hanging around like that

I agree you should not only respect their wishes but out of the many hotels offering spa’s could you not choose one of them and have a fun weekend with one of the other non invited spouses.
By attending in the way you want to, also plays on emotional pulls of loyalty from your husband, rather than him just enjoying the wedding he will think he needs to spend some time or a quick drink with you which removes him from the wedding. Other spouses could do the same and soon you end up with two parties between bars which is unfair to the bridal party who have paid and invited their guests to celebrate their wedding. And again for the breakfast the following day.
Have some pride, wish the couple a fantastic wedding, wish your husband and family a wonderful time and go and book a relaxing weekend independently where you can spend the following week sharing stories and pictures.