Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

I think you should definitely get together with all the other rejected cousin spouses, dress in wedding dresses (even the men), and just show up at the ceremony, preferably doing a choreographed conga down the aisle just in front of the bride, each with a rose between your teeth. I’m absolutely certain that when they see how much trouble you’ve gone to to add to the gaiety of the occasion, they will let you attend the rest of the wedding in seats of honour.

Given the number of cousins and then respective partners I can understand the limitation on numbers.

I think this has all politely been spelt out clearly well ahead of the wedding so that there is no misunderstanding for all involved.

Personally I would not be going to the hotel at all or using the spa facilities of that hotel. It's just not appropriate.

I don't think OP can go in the hope of being included in any wedding events, but I can see why, if DH is paying for a room for one, she might want to go along and use the hotel room and facilities, rather than booking a seperate hotel elsewhere.

I do also think that having invited DH and not his spouse, it's a bit much to require him to attend the night before and the morning after without her as well. Fine if that's what he wants to do, but the B&G want his entire weekend and his wife is not included?

This

To send out messages making assumptions that everyone would bring a load of interlopers who'd try and drink from the free bar? It doesn't sound like he trusts his friends or thinks much of their decision making.

I wouldn't send such a message. But my family aren't a load of gatecrashers I suppose.

You were going to go with your husband, stay at the venue and try and guilt them into inviting you to the evening do?? Yep YABU.

But that’s exactly what people seem to be planning so maybe he just knows his family and their spouses well enough to pre empt this bizarre conduct

Crikey it’s one weekend for a wedding, surely she can cope without him for that !

Sorry OP but super weird to tag along and hope to sneak in for a dance. Go to another hotel spa and have a night to yourself.

(I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance)

Just go somewhere else. Stop being the reason why the groom has to specify that uninvited people (YOU), wont be admitted.

fgs its your MILs nephews wedding. I don't even think I could name my MILs nephew, never mind want to attend the wedding and be planning on crashing it

Yeah, I think you are right there tbh!

The problem is that if you do go to the hotel how will you then feel when your DH goes off to the evening before to a separate drinks do, then the wedding and the evening do etc.

How will you feel being in a separate bar on your own knowing that all this merriment is taking place in another part of the hotel without you? Then the next day at breakfast the same.

Surely it will make for more resentment and embarrassment all round. I would just not go as you haven't been invited.

Depends on several things.
Have they taken over the whole hotel or are there other guests at the hotel.

Was the room paid for by you/dp?

if yes to the above then you could go to the hotel but he completely removed from the wedding. Dine in room service so you aren’t sitting alone in a restaurant if you prefer. Have a massage and use spa facilities if there are any. Shag dp all night.

but do not have a single involvent at the wedding. Not even to say hello

first post nails it

I have to agree.

If the hotel isn’t being exclusively hired I can’t see how they can enforce where guests go?’ And no, they don’t get to monopolise the night before and day after!! Jesus how entitled 😱😱😱

YANBU to go for a weekend at the spa hotel since (I assume) your husband would be paying for the room anyway so its minimal extra cost to you.

YABU to expect to sneak in for dancing.

Are the couple getting married footing the bill for the night before? If not, I think they're being a bit rude excluding you from that gathering. If they are footing the bill, then you would be unreasonable to expect an invite (but IMO they are also unreasonable for hosting that instead of paying extra for partners to attend their actual wedding... but thats a separate topic!)
It would also be very reasonable for your husband to decline to attend this and spend the evening with you (and potentially some of the other cousins+partners) instead.

They are definitely BU to exclude you from breakfast the next day - assuming its a standard hotel breakfast the morning after - if its a big wedding youll all be coming in at different times and sat at different tables anyway so what difference does it make if you're there - unless they have sole use of the hotel surely there will be other guests too.

OP, whatever is going through your head, everyone there is quite reasonably going to think you have gone along to hang around on the edge looking pathetic and hoping to be invited in. Why on earth would you want to present yourself like this? Just go somewhere else.

Of course you have a right to go to the hotel. You have a right to do all sorts of things that are stupid and damaging to you.

I honestly don’t know people like this is real life. It’s her husband’s cousin. So no relation to her to act so entitled 🙄

This - cheekyfuckery to turn up and cadge a night in the hotel at a wedding you aren't invited to. I'll bet some of those CFers hoping to do this would be sneaking down to join the free bar later.

Have some self respect - don't go, do something else!

It makes sense that if your DH is attending then unless they’ve booked the entire hotel out, you should go and make use of the spa and restaurant etc.

They can’t dictate what the uninvited partners do over the weekend and need to get to fuck if they think they can. 😂 Absolute entitled twonks.

If there are 11 cousins who could all potentially bring spouses and even children that's a lot of people. As it's the groom who is related to your family, it's possible that the brides family are footing the bill for the breakfast, bar etc (as would be traditional) and he doesn't want to set off his marriage on the wrong footing by looking like a cheeky fucker bringing loads of extra people at their expense.

Stay home.

Stay well away. It’s weird for you to be in the same hotel when you’re not invited.

Unfortunately with 11 cousins it’s just a numbers game. Don’t take it personally, you’re just gonna have to miss this one.

I'd imagine they don't mind other people unconnected to the wedding being there. They are trying to avoid people who specifically haven't been invited, who wouldn't be anywhere near the place if it wasn't for their wedding, going along and hanging round "hoping to be invited in for a dance". Because, believe it or not, some people might do that.

Of course she can, but I don't think it's OK for them to demand it.