Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

What’s wrong with you? Stay away from the wedding. You sound like you want to get together with the other cousins spouses and make a show of it.

I actually think it's fairly cringe and unreasonable to go.

I mean - you could literally go anywhere in the country if you want a relaxing weekend.

Why would you want to tag along on the edge of a. big family celebration you are not invited to.

The cousin has been really polite and written explaining why he wants to include cousins but can't have all 11 spouses (totally understandable)

Now make some total ridiculous drama of it - just stop trying to be in any way part of it it's wierd !

I'm assuming that there would be something like a pool or a spa or another restaurant or bar. If it's just a public foyer and everything else is reserved for the wedding party that would be a rather dull weekend break.

It's not unusual for a hotel to have a function room and bar for exclusive use for an event, like a wedding. Normally, there is another bar area, that's then available for other hotel guests to use. So unless the wedding party have hired out the entire hotel (which unless wealthy, is highly unlikely), you would be able to use the other bar, that the wedding guests aren't. Breakfast the next morning, in my experience is usually held in a room, where the wedding guests and any other guest at the hotel can use. It's not often wedding guests would get exclusive use of a room, purely for breakfast the following morning. You wouldn't be permitted to use the bar facilities, the wedding guests are using. You would need to find out if the breakfast is being held in a room for the wedding parties exclusive use of not. My honest opinion is, keep away. Book yourself (or take a friend) to another hotel, and have a spa day etc or go and visit your own family for the day (if it's possible). Don't turn up at the hotel, it could potentially be awkward, and end up embarrassing for you and your husband. Yes, you can feel disappointed, but don't allow your disappointment to push yourself into a situation that could cause embarrassment.

Peeking around pillars in your spring dress and fascinator. Mortifying

even worse it’s apparently the female spouses that can’t imagine a solitary weekend with DHs away so they have to tag along and hover at the fringes hoping for a pity dance.

why pull your DHs away from wedding events because you’ve decided to tag along. Let him enjoy catching with his friends and family. You’ll survive.

I’ve accompanied DH on his work hotel stays (when it’s a posh hotel with spa) but his colleagues have never seen me (often they’re in a different hotel) and we’ve never tried to cadge free food and drink. DH expenses his own F&D but not mine obviously.

If it were me I’d just accept it and book a spa day somewhere else. You don’t want to look like a desperado.

OP is not a guest at this wedding. She just won’t take a no for an answer and is embarrassing herself.

Surely her DH can do things on his own. Couldn’t you?

For anyone that is having a wedding and you’re worried crazy entitled people like the OP are going to do exactly this. I suggest you get some sort of wristsbands for the guests. Anyone that doesn’t have a wristband is not allowed in, simple. Actually embarrassing to even get to that point. For anyone suggesting OP does this, there will be a capacity limit so anyone not invited will be breaking the limit and will putting every other guest’s life in danger if there was a fire.

Just let your husband spend time with his cousins and his family. As you said you are not being singled out - your behaviours appear to be controlling towards your husband.

What is clearly happening here is there are a lot of cousins - the organisers of the wedding - the groom - can't fit in all of them with partners so has made an effort to explain that if they are to be able to include all cousisn they can't have spouses.

I have had to miss weddings with my husband of cousins on his side because they were child free, I did not give it a second thought.

so much over investment - just leave the groom and his plans alone.

She has probably already asked for wedding guest dress advice on Style & Beauty. 😂

So your dh is invited but you're not.
What are you going to do.
Sit at the bar alone,eat alone.
Make your dh feel guilty so he spends his time with you instead of the wedding.

You're going to look absolutely unhinged if you turn up.
Plus make it even more awkward for everyone.

Stay at home,watch what you want,order takeaway and have a few drinks.

Absolutely with PPs here who say don’t do it! Go to one of the literally thousands of other lovely spa hotels in the country. Enjoy your weekend without inserting yourself at an event to which you have explicitly not been invited.

Sure you could attend without technically breaking any rules. But respect the spirit of it all and send your husband off to celebrate without awkwardly haunting the periphery!

They have very clearly told you you're not invited in any capacity. You need to accept this and stop looking for loop holes.

If she went to another hotel that's the cost of another room. I don't see the harm in making a cheap mini break of it if the hotel has good facilities or there are things of interest in the nearby area.

I think it’s bizarre spouses who have been specifically not invited are going and hanging about. The fact they’ve had to clarify again “the restrictions” is probably because they’re exasperated that very clear invites have still been taken as “oh I’ll just go and loiter about outside”. Spouses aren’t invited for a reason (likely space/ cost) so it’s weird that some of your are turning up and expecting to be included in any aspect of the wedding celebrations when they are either paying by head or simply can’t fit you all.

Why would there be 22 plus ones?
That would only work if all of the 11 invited cousins had 2 spouses each!

OP it's weird to me you're going at all tbh. Just stay at home or go on a spa break somewhere else with a friend if that's what you want to do with your weekend. Why would you want to travel to a random hotel just to hang around by yourself all day, with the added awkwardness of potentially bumping into actual invited guests in the sauna or whatever and making polite conversation about the wedding you weren't invited to?

If theyve reserved the bar for the wedding then it's fair enough that he's reminding people you can't use it if you aren't invited to the wedding! While he can't insist on your dh eating breakfast with them instead of with you (I think this is what you were getting at, it wasn't very clear), again, don't you think it will just be a bit weird to be eating breakfast near but not part of the wedding party?

Did you not read what the OP wrote? He hasn’t said that at all.

You could have beefy security, metal detectors, dogs circling the premises. Panic alarms organised should a random lady consider a stray dance to ABBA 😱

Or you could just do the decent thing and stop being so bloody tight and invite couples or accept a smaller wedding that you can afford!

Your husband only needs to go to the ceremony and reception. They don't own him for the whole weekend ie the night before or the morning after.

Perhaps her husband actually wants to go for the whole weekend. It's his family, maybe he's looking forward to having time for a proper catchup with everyone. Which will be easier without spouses in tow.

Appreciate hotels are public but there's no way I'd go to a hotel hosting a wedding I was explicitly not invited too and hang around there while my spouse was attending. Bit gauche and puts the hosts in an uncomfortable position. I think I'd book myself something really lovely to do that weekend somewhere else.

I think the fact that you were hoping that you would be invited in for a dance indicates that you would be willing to be dressed up and ready on the off chance that you suddenly get an invitation to the evening do even though they have not invited you.

Surely you can see you are either invited or not and you are not.

Of course you don't go. It's very rude and crass. Go with the other spouse to a different hotel and have a spa break

its not like it’s a surprise. DH would’ve rsvp’d. If he didn’t want to go without his wife he didn’t have to.

But stopping your partner from attending a family when they’ve very politely explained that they can’t invite everyone but really want their actual family members
to come is very poor form

it’s not a snub. Most couples don’t bother to explain a lack of invite.