Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

i don’t think so much it is needing but wanting. for example budget wise as a family we can afford to go on holiday or a trip away x amount of times. me spending money to go to a wedding on my own then means less money for me to go away with husband so depending on length of the stay and cost i might choose not to

Im guessing the groom and family would like the cousins to spend time together. If spouses come they are going to go to their rooms or have meals with their partners

Worth hanging around this thread just for the phrase "a total nothingburger".

OP (doubt you're still here but anyway) don't be an arse.

That’s a completely different point from the one I responded to about it giving the DH someone to sleep with though.

This is the important question. If op's husband has paid for the room (and I think in one of her updates she does confirm this) then there's no reason why she shouldn't come along and make use of the hotel's facilities.

OP I think you just have to suck up the evening before bar and the morning after breakfast being for wedding invitees only - which would mean you'd be on your own a bit more than you expected.

Edit: I see from your update that you have decided not to go after all. I think that's a pity, but it's your choice after all.

Metaphorically, you're standing outside a restaurant with your face pressed against the window, desperately hoping to be noticed and invited in.

Stop it. It's undignified and needy. If you want a spa day, have one but at different hotel. You will enjoy it much more.

If the bride and groom in the OP’s post would have invited partners/spouses had their budget stretched, then surely they’d be happy for them to be around for drinks or breakfast that they aren’t paying for? That they don’t want them turning up for those bits suggests they are keener on maintaining whatever vibe they hope to have with the cousins there without their spouses than they are on acknowledging/supporting their cousins’ relationships with their partners

Not necessarily, @RawBloomers

I'm assuming nothing because we simply can't know, but with that many cousins what's to say one of them hasn't married a complete horror with form for wrecking events, and that they've avoided inviting spouses to dodge this?

Admittedly I've never seen this personally, but I've certainly known a few who've had childfree weddings precisely to avoid a few who can be guaranteed to cause chaos - though predictably theirs were the very parents who objected

I'm looking forward to the next cousin’s wedding where all the spouses are invited apart from this couple where only the groom is. Fairs, fair and all…

How silly.
If there is space/budget for cousins and spouses, invite them all. If there isn’t, dont. But don’t take it so personally and be tit for tat about it. Infantile.

Ridiculous.

Why? explain?

@cardibach explained it well.

i don’t agree. Everyone has said on this thread that the B&G can invite who ever they wish. It’s their day right?

They are not excluding one person or one couple. They even explained their reasoning in a letter.

I was responding to the idea they would have invited spouses if their budget stretched that far. Agree we don’t know if that was the case, if they are trying to avoid a spouse who’s a horror, just don’t like some of the spouses, something else, or a combination.

But that’s not what the groom has done. He’s invited all of the cousins and none of the spouses, based on the budget and size of the wedding. Fair’s fair would be for the next cousin to invite all of the cousins and none of the spouses, or all of the cousins and all of the spouses, or none of the cousins, depending on size and budget.

Or the OP could go for it and turn up in a wedding dress.

So it would never be acceptable to invite the cousins they know well and their spouses and not the others? It has to be all or nothing?

or would it never be fair to invite the spouses they want there and not the others?

It’s fair to invite whoever the fuck they want, it’s their wedding. If it happens that one cousin particularly wants all their cousins and all their cousins’ spouses bar the bride from this thread, yeah, that’s fair. It seems a real 1980s Spandex workout video streeeeeeetch that there’s any likelihood of that insane little revenge scenario happening, though, and it has nothing to with OP’s AIBU.

Only inviting half of the cousins (plus partners) would be massively more divisive and family wrecking than inviting all the cousins and partners, and apologetically explaining why.

And for those insisting that you should only have the wedding you can afford, well that would probably mean not inviting any cousins. And assuming that some will be very close, that's also not optimal.

I wouldn’t embarrass myself by going to the hotel. It’s comes across as needy and not wanting to let your husband have a night out without you.

Don't be silly. OP doesn't want to gatecrash the wedding at all. She just wants to share her husband's room (which HE has paid for) and make use of the hotel facilities.

Honestly this makes perfect sense to me . Im close to my cousins and love catching up and reminiscing about our shared childhoods but with 11 plus their plus ones it wouldn’t be practical to invite them all.
Just doing cousins is fine. Most of the spouses seems fine with it except one or two who really wanted to go .
i know in our family the cousins would bunk in together to save money and catch up as occasions where we are all together are rare three days.

And hoping to get invited to dance. How do you think she would succeed with that, by staying in their room?

You are not invited to this wedding! For genuine reason (11 cousins plus partners is a huge number of “spaces” at a wedding). It has been handled fairly and sensitively by the groom, who is not a close relative like a sibling. Don’t go to the wedding. Don’t sneak to the bar. Don’t have a dance. You. Are. Not. Invited. To. This. Wedding.