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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

591 replies

Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 11:19

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

OP posts:
Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 12:33

It’s extraordinary how weddings are organised these days. We would never ever invite only half a couple, utterly bizarre. I hope op and her dh pull out of the whole thing.

Its exactly why we are now seeing record no shows at weddings, they have become a circus of vanity

Our last wedding had 28 no shows and now I can see why if the demands of the couple are this ridiculous, with no thought to their actual guests and their comfort

feelingalittlehorse · 29/05/2025 12:33

I think there are other hotels in the whole of the UK in which you could book a spa break, OP. I’d do that.

Eddielizzard · 29/05/2025 12:33

He's being really unwelcoming. He's making it absolutely clear he doesn't want you there.

Don't go. It would be awful to go to the hotel and him to see you and feel like you're not wanted. Absolutely can't go to the hotel now.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 29/05/2025 12:33

You are demanding, self absorbed and extremely childish. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 29/05/2025 12:33

sandyhappypeople · 29/05/2025 12:29

It sounds like some guests are basically inviting their spouses to go with them and are going to let them wander in/sneak them in, which IMO is so utterly disrespectful to the B&G, don't go at all if you feel that strongly about your spouse being invited.

I wouldn't have a problem with you coming to the hotel and using the facilities as a guest of the hotel ONLY, but I would be peeved if you thought you were entitled to attend, or TRIED to attend any part of the wedding (private bar the night before, all day of the wedding and wedding and the breakfast the morning after), or tried to get your partner away from their wedding to spend time with you, the numbers will be nailed down and paid for and any extra people coming at that stage would cause agro for the B&G, and their invited guests wandering off away from the wedding to do something else is disrespectful, so why would you put them in that position?

In theory you wouldn't be able to spend any time with your partner, and you being there may make them feel guilty for leaving you on your own, there is literally no good reason you could come up with which makes sense for you to go there, only really selfish people would do this IMO.

exactly this

HenDoNot · 29/05/2025 12:33

I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance

Absolutely cringing for you, hanging around outside the evening do, all dressed up, hoping to be invited in, like some desperate cling on.

Don’t go. Don’t embarrass yourself or your DH.

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 12:33

AthWat · 29/05/2025 12:28

They've invited him, not bundled him in the back of a van at gunpoint.

Show quote history

Yes, but now they're "hoping" everyone will have breakfast together next day. I don't think that's a usual expectation.

Anyway, OP obviously can't gatecrash any of the wedding events, but I can see why taking the opportunity to use a room and hotel facilities she and DH have paid for is appealing.

beAsensible1 · 29/05/2025 12:34

Why are you call him MILs nephews? It’s DHs cousin

Flashahah · 29/05/2025 12:35

Endofyear · 29/05/2025 11:35

Just don't go to the hotel at all. You're not invited and shouldn't be hanging around on the fringes hoping be invited in for a dance or having breakfast with the wedding guests! Go to another hotel if you want a spa break.

I agree with this.

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 12:35

feelingalittlehorse · 29/05/2025 12:33

I think there are other hotels in the whole of the UK in which you could book a spa break, OP. I’d do that.

Yes, but this one is paid for, presumably by DH. Booking another doubles the cost.

Shellianotwheels · 29/05/2025 12:35

nomas · 29/05/2025 12:31

This reminds me of the thread where the OP was going to hang around walking a child on the grounds of the wedding venue and try and have breakfast with the invited guests.

Does anyone else remember that? Or is it the same poster?

Yes! A breakfast that had been paid for by the bridge and groom And some idiots actually agreed with her WTF 😂😂😂

jeaux90 · 29/05/2025 12:35

Please just do your own thing OP. This sounds like very blurry boundaries all round. I also think it’s weird when partners hang round like a spare part on these things like there are trust issues/Cheeky fuckery opportunities

AthWat · 29/05/2025 12:35

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 12:33

Yes, but now they're "hoping" everyone will have breakfast together next day. I don't think that's a usual expectation.

Anyway, OP obviously can't gatecrash any of the wedding events, but I can see why taking the opportunity to use a room and hotel facilities she and DH have paid for is appealing.

Show quote history

Why do you think they are saying that?

A. Because they want everyone to have breakfast together the next day
B. To discourage uninvited partners from coming along and hanging round hoping to be inviting in for a dance, now they have found out this is happening?

Lmnop22 · 29/05/2025 12:37

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 12:33

It’s extraordinary how weddings are organised these days. We would never ever invite only half a couple, utterly bizarre. I hope op and her dh pull out of the whole thing.

Its exactly why we are now seeing record no shows at weddings, they have become a circus of vanity

Our last wedding had 28 no shows and now I can see why if the demands of the couple are this ridiculous, with no thought to their actual guests and their comfort

Edited

Can people really not do things without their husbands??

Honestly, I’m more likely to be offended at being treated like some sort of package with a partner rather than as an individual person!

strawlight · 29/05/2025 12:37

She actually turned up and did it and was pissed off that the hotel asked them to leave. Helped herself to breakfast for her and the child when she’d checked and double checked that they weren’t invited, Embarrassing.

I don’t know why people get so het up about this. Weddings cost a lot per person and with 11 cousins that could well be an extra grand just for their spouses. Sounds like the B&G have explained their reasons why in a nice polite way but OP is still stamping her feet.

Flashahah · 29/05/2025 12:37

You say you’re hoping they may invite you for a dance, will you be dressed and ready for a dance? Why would you be?

beAsensible1 · 29/05/2025 12:37

Your DH is going to be with his 11 cousins having a whale of time. They probably haven’t all caught up without spouses since childhood.

leave them to it.

WhatNoRaisins · 29/05/2025 12:37

I think it's fine as long as you just stick to the areas where any paying member of the public can go. If the bride and groom aren't happy with this then they should have forked out for exclusive use of the hotel.

Whatever you do don't be like that batshit woman who tried to sneak her child into that wedding brunch despite being politely told no to multiple times.

vintagehope · 29/05/2025 12:37

Shellianotwheels · 29/05/2025 11:32

Cringe. Why on earth are you even going to the hotel? You’re not invited and it’s rude to just show up. You’re embarrassing yourself and your husband.

This. Can you not hear yourself OP?

Why so desperate?

TwentyKittens · 29/05/2025 12:38

How cringeworthy of you, OP.

Stay home or go somewhere else.

nomas · 29/05/2025 12:38

FuckityFux · 29/05/2025 12:32

Cadge a night in the hotel??? WTF are you on about?

Presumably the DH is having to pay for his hotel room so it makes far more sense that his wife joins him rather than wasting the opportunity for a night away?

I think far too many couples are all about showing off and fixated on TikTok and Insta bollocks. They’re not really thinking about why they’re getting married in the first place and what it actually means to join two families together otherwise they wouldn’t try to dictate such ridiculous terms to their guests. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

We don’t know yet who has paid for the room.

The groom hasn’t said that spouses can’t stay in the hotel room, just that they cannot avail of the free bar and breakfast which is for invited guests only.

Providing drinks and food to only invited guests is not a ‘ridiculous term’, it’s pretty standard for weddings.

vintagehope · 29/05/2025 12:39

nomas · 29/05/2025 12:31

This reminds me of the thread where the OP was going to hang around walking a child on the grounds of the wedding venue and try and have breakfast with the invited guests.

Does anyone else remember that? Or is it the same poster?

Exactly my thought. Same poster perhaps?

AthWat · 29/05/2025 12:39

WhatNoRaisins · 29/05/2025 12:37

I think it's fine as long as you just stick to the areas where any paying member of the public can go. If the bride and groom aren't happy with this then they should have forked out for exclusive use of the hotel.

Whatever you do don't be like that batshit woman who tried to sneak her child into that wedding brunch despite being politely told no to multiple times.

What, just sit in the foyer looking sad?

Why would anyone want to do this?

Teenybub · 29/05/2025 12:40

@Notmotherofflowergirls you are being weird and ruining the build up to their wedding. You aren’t invited, that is the end of it. If they wanted you to go in for a dance they would have asked you, formally, through a wedding invite. It sounds like you are expecting everyone to celebrate your arrival and be treated like some guest of honour, that won’t happen! They will all be whispering saying can you believe she’s here without an invite.

Sometimes I read the crazy MIL threads and wonder how these women turn into such hard work, you already are the hard work.

friendlycat · 29/05/2025 12:40

I just think this could cause unnecessary embarrassment for you, your DH and the bride and groom. How do you handle it when bumping into them knowing that you’re not actually invited?

It just puts everyone in an awkward position. You wave and say hi and then they go on their way to designated wedding areas and you’re left on your own. Or they then feel obligated to ask you to join them even though they’ve specifically spelt out the situation prior to the date.