Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

This is an issue when you don’t budget for the proper amount of guests and you try and split up couples! What did they expect?! It’s very poor form and etiquette.

Shoddy.

You either invite whole couples or you don’t invite them at all for precisely this reason.

If the whole hotel is hired for the wedding then you can't go.

If the hotel is open to the public too then yes you can stay there and use the spa facilities.

You can't join the wedding for a dance. The reception is for wedding guests only.

You can use the spa and have breakfast in the public area of the hotel with your husband the morning after the wedding.

If they are in the bar the night before then I'd have thought that was OK but they're obviously being quite arsey about this so I'd suggest you just go for dinner with your husband and avoid the wedding group.

Your husband only needs to go to the ceremony and reception. They don't own him for the whole weekend ie the night before or the morning after.

You are entitled to enjoy the facilities at a public hotel. You can not encroach on anything to do with the ceremony or reception as you are not invited to that.

Yes, I agree with this. It's thoughtless and rude, but what can she do?
I don't think going to the venue is a good idea!

As a couple we would be declining. I think they have put you in a demeaning position op, and my dh wouldn’t stand for it.

Cancel and spend the money on a romantic weekend away you can both enjoy!

It’s out of their control , I think they are fair giving you a heads up .

I'm going to go against the grain here, they don't own the hotel and they haven't paid for exclusive use. I see no reason why you can't stay in the hotel room with your husband and use the spa.

But I will say that does depend on whether you intend to be cheeky and mill around the wedding areas or keep away from it all together.

I don't think it unreasonable to go to the hotel and stay away from the wedding (including the night before).
I think it would be unreasonable to hang around and be around the wedding in hopes of being invited to the evening or another element.

Saying that, the groom is unreasonable to want breakfast to be only about the wedding guests....unless they have reserved a room or time just for them.

Yes, that's what we would do
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This is the third thread in the last couple of months by or about someone who hasn't been invited to a wedding showing up at it nonetheless.

I don't understand why anyone would do this. I'm cringing for you.

Do you not think it will just be plain awkward for everyone involved when you inevitably bump into your in-laws - them all dressed up and enjoying a wedding and you and the other spouses (if any) can’t join in? You’re putting the guests and bride and groom in a difficult position on the day if this happens. Just respect their wishes and not go- the cousin has been more than clear

I completely agree with this. I come from a large family, but we wouldn't dream of leaving people's spouses out. You just have to find suitable venues or just have a small wedding with only immediate family.
I rather doubt the b&g are paying for the bar the night before or the breakfast the following morning.

I think it’ll all be very awkward for everyone if you go to the hotel. You love weddings but this will be going to a hotel where there is a wedding, not the wedding itself unless you plan/hope to find a way in. So go somewhere else that day/night. Go to a different hotel if you fancy it but definitely don’t go to that one. You are making something unnecessarily complicated and uncomfortable. The groom and bride obviously have had to make decisions re numbers, and I think you hanging about just makes it all a bit awkward. It doesn’t sound like you are particularly close to the cousin in law, just that you love weddings and want to stay in a nice hotel. They’ve made their wishes clear and you need to listen. You could always go down the ‘it’s a hotel and anyone can go there’ line but to me that’s just trying to get round what you’ve been told and will not end well. Best wishes x

You will be forever known throughout your OHs family as that pathetic clingy weird woman who hung around someone elses wedding party pulling a sad face 'hoping you'd be invited in for a dance'.
Couldn't even let him breathe for one night and had to follow him to a hotel, presumably bringing party appropriate clothes so you can play all dressed up and nowhere to go.

Leave them alone.
They don't want you there, just like they don't want a whole other bunch of people they don't know or have barely even heard of there.
They may not even be able to afford to invite all the people who are partners to people they are probably only inviting to make your MILs generation happy.

It's not about you.

The bar will more than likely have been hired out and reserved so yes the hotel can tell guest that are not invited they can’t attend a private attend. Height of rudeness to attend someone you are not invited too 👍🏼

They've invited him, not bundled him in the back of a van at gunpoint.

It sounds like some guests are basically inviting their spouses to go with them and are going to let them wander in/sneak them in, which IMO is so utterly disrespectful to the B&G, don't go at all if you feel that strongly about your spouse being invited.

I wouldn't have a problem with you coming to the hotel and using the facilities as a guest of the hotel ONLY, but I would be peeved if you thought you were entitled to attend, or TRIED to attend any part of the wedding (private bar the night before, all day of the wedding and wedding and the breakfast the morning after), or tried to get your partner away from their wedding to spend time with you, the numbers will be nailed down and paid for and any extra people coming at that stage would cause agro for the B&G, and their invited guests wandering off away from the wedding to do something else is disrespectful, so why would you put them in that position?

In theory you wouldn't be able to spend any time with your partner, and you being there may make them feel guilty for leaving you on your own, there is literally no good reason you could come up with which makes sense for you to go there, only really selfish people would do this IMO.

I think you sound wedding-mad and will be wanting to get into it at every chance. Just have a spa day somewhere else and enjoy a weekend apart.

Insanely beggy behaviour. Do a day spa with a friend or something if you need some company.

but don’t try to sneak into the wedding it’s uncouth

This would be us as well!

Yeah, I wouldn’t go at all. Whole thing sounds like a recipe for awkwardness and irritation.

Instead of asking if there's any reason why you can't, ask yourself if there's any good reason why anyone would. Unless they did intend to mill around the wedding area (as the OP has admitted she did).

This reminds me of the thread where the OP was going to hang around walking a child on the grounds of the wedding venue and try and have breakfast with the invited guests.

Does anyone else remember that? Or is it the same poster?

Cadge a night in the hotel??? WTF are you on about?

Presumably the DH is having to pay for his hotel room so it makes far more sense that his wife joins him rather than wasting the opportunity for a night away?

I think far too many couples are all about showing off and fixated on TikTok and Insta bollocks. They’re not really thinking about why they’re getting married in the first place and what it actually means to join two families together otherwise they wouldn’t try to dictate such ridiculous terms to their guests. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I suspect you don’t get invited to much then. Surely you can cope without your husband for one night. And vice versa?

You invite whole couples when they are the people you really want to come. You invite just one when it's someone you feel obliged to invite for family reasons, but you really don't care if they come or not.
The OP's partner is under no obligation to go unless he particularly wants to, and chances are the bride and groom will not be bothered either way.