Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

When we got married the room had a capacity for insurance/fire purpose, so their ceremony room might be the same, so not appropriate for extras to pop in to watch. I assume they will have a room with a bar for exclusive use for wedding guests, so again no extras. Aren’t they just setting out the conditions of their booking

You've paid to sleep in the hotel and use it's facilities. You know you're not going to be part of the wedding.

I don't really like his tone, as if he owns the hotel or something?! But you've done nothing wrong to book a room if the hotel was accepting bookings.

Equally you can't try and sneak into any part of the wedding. Though you knew that and weren't going to.

He sounds a bit of an arse so it's probably good you're not going to the ceremony.

You've made it awkward for them..(even though they originally made it awkward for themselves).

I'd feel weird at hanging around while your husband went to the event - and he can't invite you in for a dance - as you aren't invited!

Also the groom has paid for a certain amount of people to use the facilities - if all the uninvited turn up - the hotel would get pissed off. 'Oh I said it was 40 people but all their spouses have turned up and now it's 80 - oops!"

I would find myself a better hotel, preferably one with a spa and a pool.

And spend the weekend posting hundreds of selfies to the other wedding guests showing them what a good time I am having. Wel I wouldn’t post hundreds, maybe just a handful.

This.

you’re going to embarrass yourself.

You are embarrassing yourself with your desperation to be ‘there’! Find your self respect ffs!

So crash the wedding evening do that she has not been invited too? What is wrong with people? You’re not invited!

YABU. You’re acting entitled and desperate
for free food and drink.

Book a hotel and avail of the bar and breakfast that you have paid for with your own money, not this bride and groom.

No he doesn’t.

They haven’t said you can’t use the other facilities they have just explained there are restrictions to some areas. If they have paid per person, it’s then not on to have additional people coming into those areas

Total cringe. Sneaking into a wedding for a dance lol

It's never stopped CF people before...

No. He’s actually giving a head up to the people like the op that were planning on sneaking in. He has a restricted amount of people allowed in so anyone else won’t be. Of course this is his fault 😂

You will be embarrassing yourself and annoying the bride/groom if you go that weekend. You have been explicitly told that you’re not invited so shouldn’t attend the ceremony or hang around in the hope that you’re invited in. The plus ones presumably not invited because they don’t fit the budget and you could annoy your MIL trying to sneak in for a dance etc when the groom has been firm but sensitive about why you can’t go.

If you really want to visit the hotel with your h then organise a trip any other weekend or stay well away from the wedding and areas that they hired like the bar and dance floor so that the bride/groom aren’t cast into the role of villain for not inviting you. As you say, you’ve been treated the same as 10 other plus ones so it’s not personal.

Feelings aside, where is your dignity?
Don’t go where you are not welcome. Why would you want to? You were clearly told that he doesn’t want you there!

I'm cringing. Please don't do this. You're going to embarrass yourself and the wedding guests will think you're pathetic.

The groom is entirely reasonable in not inviting the spouses of his 11(!) cousins, and he's obviously concerned that a couple of them turning up at the venue (and you've admitted that you hope to sneak in to the evening do) will cause bad feeling among the other cousins and their spouses who've behaved with grace and made other plans for the weekend.

To go against the grain, I think it is a bit much to expect to have your guests company the night before as well. Is the hotel in a nice area? Maybe you and your husband could go for dinner and drinks in the local village or town the night before, surely your husband isn't required to be in the reserved bar.
I would also feel a bit upset and left out, but having said that wouldn't dream of going anywhere near the wedding itself! Not the ceremony or the dance floor, too embarrassing!

Why are you pining and attention seeking over the wedding of some D-list in-law?! Whatever the technical rules are it's basic social etiquette that you stay the hell away from a wedding that you explicitly haven't been invited to. Honestly I have second hand embarrasment for you

Quite! This is really the issue. Trying to be guest-adjacent is just strange.

We’ve actually just had something very similar happen in a family wedding of ours.

limited spaces at wedding in the grounds of a hotel. Bride and groom wanted close family and a handful of friends. Some people were upset about not being able to go. So sone of them of them booked to stay in the hotel. This actually ended up meaning some people who had been invited had to book into a different hotel. These people then “hung around” watching the wedding from afar and then tried to come into the evening celebration and then tried to get in the photographs!. It was very uncomfortable. It ended up in an argument and could have very much upset the whole day. It was pretty embarrassing to see these pushy, entitled prat’s behave this way and potentially ruin someone’s wedding day.

give your head a wobble op

You are not invited so you are not invited it is really not difficult to get

This is a wind up.

No, please don’t do this. You will be talked about forever, it’s such odd behaviour. Don’t embarrass yourself, your husband or his family. How are you planning to be invited in for a dance? Hang around in reception in a dress?what about all the other ones not invited when they see that you were there?

Just don’t go - really weird of you to turn up to basically sit outside the bar they’ve hired and/or the breakfast they’ve organised on your own hoping they feel sorry enough for you to invite you in for a dance or whatever. If every uninvited spouse did that then it would put an awful lot of pressure on the wedding party to have 20+ additional people at their hired venue!

They’ve asked you politely and ahead of time to not come so why are you even considering going? There are other spas in the world.

Is there a reason you can’t seem to just let your husband go alone and feel the need to tag along? It’ll look like you’re trying to keep an eye on him or lack independence to spend a weekend alone!

Just do something else with other people and forget about this wedding!

Just leave it. Get yourself off elsewhere for a girls weekend or something.