To be quietly hating my husband

[4seasons]

I’ll try to keep it short. Married over 50 years , 2 adult children together. Recent major abdominal surgery for advanced ovarian cancer. Taking some time to get over this but doing ok. Had first chemo a week ago. Horrendous side effects. Last 2 days awful diarrhoea … I have a colostomy so makes life worse.
Am getting angrier and angrier with DH . Yes … he’s cooking our meals now but I did it without comment for years … including when there were 4 of us and I had a full time job .Whilst I was in the middle of a literal shit storm last night ( sorry if TMI) he was fannying around with a clip board writing down temperatures and times . Situation reversed I’d have rung for an ambulance for him but he seems very reluctant to do this . Perhaps I’m not “ ill enough yet “? Eventually he took himself off to bed ( own room ) as he was “ very tired “. I’ve been awake all night for obvious reasons and feel ill and exhausted. He’s still snoring away , nice and comfy.
I asked for an electrolyte replacement sachet yesterday. He got me blackcurrant ones … I’m allergic to blackcurrants. Got me an alternative which I took. I now see on the box it contains live bacteria … I am on chemo and not supposed to take it !!! So now I’m panicking about infection/ sepsis.
It all sounds horribly ungrateful but dear god …common sense, care. Surely it’s not too much to ask ? I’ve done it for years through his health issues.
Only a little thing , but enraging …Went downstairs ( I’ve bedbound for a few days ) …. he’s happily tucking in to a large roast lamb dinner with a glass of red . He looks irritated at my appearance and jumps up to reheat ( yes … REHEAT…. for a chemo patient) a piece of quiche for me. I didn’t realise it wasn’t freshly cooked . There just isn’t any thoughtful genuine care / concern is there ? Or am I just too ill to be rationale ??

Well OP is phrasing it like she wanted some and is insulted by the quiche as an alternative. And no, you're right, I'm not a colorectal or bowel cancer nurse/specialist.

It sounds like you have a lot of innate knowledge that he just doesn’t have. He’s out of his depth and learning the hard way, but he is trying, even if he’s getting it wrong. Try to relax and let these little irritations wash over you.

When DH was very ill a few years ago (dialysis rather than chemo, but his eGFR was seriously low), he had loads of.dietary restrictions - about 20 foods that he should avoid completely and dozens and dozens of others which he should have only rarely. There's no way I could have remembered them all.

We.got his dietician to print out lists which we pinned to the fridge. Would that help here @4seasons?

I want to give you a huge, huge hug.

My mum could have written your post 2 years ago. She had advanced cancer and watching my dad move into a caregiver role was hard - he is not as caring as your husband sounds but every bit as frustrating!

They were together for 40+ years and I remember how angry she was at him and I completely understand why. You know you'd do better than he's doing in this situation. I think someone mentioned above - some men can't anticipate the needs of those around them with the same fluency that some women can, and it's frustrating. All you can see are the shortcomings, and not the effort.

💐 i hope your treatment goes well

Where are your children? If you were my mum, you’d be complaining to me constantly about how useless my dad was and I’d be over there managing him into doing a better job.

Very sorry you’re going through what sounds like a hellish time. I hope you start to feel a bit better soon. But for God’s sake, rope your kids in to sort your DH out.

I don't know where you live but most UK cancer services have a hotline you can ring for advice on when you become unwell. Maybe you could ask your husband to call that and they'll advise whether hospitalisation is necessary.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It isn't easy on either of you.

Just sending you a hug 🌼

No one is excusing an 'arsehole coasting through life', the op herself says he's been a good husband so far.

Her examples that have her hating him seem so very minor. She is clearly projecting all her fury onto him which is understandable but not fair.

Your last comment is awful. I'd ask mnhq to edit if I were you.

We are TAUGHT differently.

Putting a new fuel tank in a Land Rover is a fairly specialist skill. Giving a fuck about other human beings - especially one who has cared for you for 50 years - is not.

So in that case that can be the perfectly valid reason why OP's DH may not be very good at nursing his wife. He was TAUGHT differently and that is not his fault.

She later went on to explain that it was a cold cut of lamb that he heated up for himself and she didn't want. It wasn't clear why this angered her so, but she is scared and feeling awful and in those circumstances it's easier to be angry and despairing about little things than to acknowledge the fear you're experiencing. It's like people who are so worried when a child doesn't come home on time that they yell at it, rather than hugging it, when it walks through the door.

You're sharing this thread with a load of people who have never had cancer or similar or tried to look after someone who has. I hope you never do, for your sake. It's terrifying for both the patient and the carer. It's a situation packed with unknown unknowns. Every person is different, every physical response is different, every doctor or nurse who treats you has a slightly different opinion on what's happening and what you should or shouldn't do. The people who seem to expect a 70+-year-old man to suddenly develop the skills and knowledge of an HCP are in cloud cuckoo land. He's trying. He'll get better with practice. The OP will get better and with a bit of. luck this time next year they'll be starting to get over the trauma this has caused them BOTH.

'Giving a fuck about other human beings - especially one who has cared for you for 50 years - is not.'

I'm sure he 'gives a fuck' he just isn't doing things to the op's exact requirements.

might be why someone is a bit out of depth, but no excuse for not not stepping up and trying one's best.

@Lurkingandlearning I have very rarely reported anyone to the Mods but I've reported your last post. It's hateful and I imagine is likely to cause the OP distress. She posted in a moment of high dudgeon and has since clarified a number of issues. This is her husband of 50 years who's doing what he can.

You clearly haven't lurked or learned nearly enough.

Nothing else will ever fuck you up like chemo does. Your H may be a cunt, or he could well be trying his best. I know it’s happening to you, & unless you’ve been there you don’t have a clue, but he’s going through it too. Take care OP.

I don't understand this part-
You're sharing this thread with a load of people who have never had cancer or similar or tried to look after someone who has. I hope you never do, for your sake. It's terrifying for both the patient and the carer

How do you know I've never had cancer or had a close family who has? And I'm not sharing this thread with anyone?

Do you have to be "taught" to be a decent human being who cares enough for their spoouse to take trouble in looking after them? That is not a learned skill.

Well a very nice oncologist rang this morning and we had a thorough chat about my symptoms etc. I am girding my loins ( literally ) for another bout this evening. So frustrating as I was starting to feel more human after awful bone pain and fatigue… hoping for a ride out or a stroll. Now I daren’t leave the house !!
I found a recipe online for an electrolyte solution that you can make yourself from everyday ingredients. So a jug of that is in the fridge.
He did 10 mins of performative hoovering this morning then basically disappeared downstairs to read the newspaper. Think he senses my annoyance. An hour ago I went downstairs to get something low fibre to eat … bread and jam anyone ?? I was told about his lunch .. nice ham , poached eggs , grilled tomatoes and he told me he’d got a chicken curry out of the freezer for his dinner !!! I could have cried from envy. On the upside he’d roasted and cooled a chicken breast for my snack later and said I could have some of his plain rice. So , he is starting to think isn’t he ?
Just on the subject of reheating food .. ok to take cooked quiche out of freezer and heat in the oven. But not safe to then reheat the quiche again later. Allows too much bacterial growth. He’s always been a person who’d eat out of date food ( a couple of days ) whilst I would throw it away. I’ve kept his tummy safe for years !! In fact , don’t ever remember him having diarrhoea .
I have calmed down a bit now … the advantage of Mumsnet advice …. but am still left slightly irritated and disappointed by him. The blackcurrant allergy in particular annoys me. He’s always first to tell people in restaurants about it. Maybe his stress level just messed with his mind . I know the feeling.
People asked our ages. We are mid to late 70s and until the cancer hit me were fit and active. Out for walks every day , cinema, theatre etc. We enjoyed regular weekends away and holidays in Scotland etc. No carers or support needed. Our children are late 40s / 50s , live in London and have full time jobs.
I’m hoping this will be a “ blip “
we can cope with and that the chemo will help me live longer . I really miss my old life . Lying in bed ruminating on DHs failings probably doesn’t do me any good.
God , I’d give anything for a plateful of chicken jalfrezi or even a big cream cake and a cuppa !! All forbidden at the moment.
I’m seeing my own oncologist next week and will certainly be talking through side effects and how I can be helped.
You certainly do see other aspects of people in this situation that you never really noticed before. Good and bad.

Caring as in offering her eggs for breakfast after specific instructions that she is not to eat eggs? Giving her a blackcurrant preparation when she is allergic to blackcurrant? I can't bellieve the apologists on here for male failings, dangerous as they could be.

OP my dad has been having chemo for the last 3 months. It’s been tough on him and it’s been tough on my mum too. He is grumpy and unplayable some days and she gets grouched at no matter what she does. She takes herself out for a couple of hours a day to a friend to give him space.
It really does sound like your husband is hopping between being helpful but not really knowing what to do, to trying to keep life normal and also to stay out of your way. I’m sure he can sense your annoyance and probably is just trying to keep things as normal as possible.
I think if you have any real expectations of what you want him to be doing or not doing you need to be direct and spell them out. Nobody is a mind reader and most times people (especially good blokes of 50 years) are just doing the best they can even if it doesn’t feel that way.

Because if you'd had cancer and chemo, or looked after anyone who had, you'd understand that in the days following chemo when your gut bacteria has been wiped out, you feel dreadful and you have terrible diarrhoea, a roast dinner and a glass of wine aren't likely to appeal greatly and almost certainly aren't going to help your digestive system settle.

You're sharing this thread with all the people posting on it.

Tbf I would have no idea about reheated quiche or the bacteria thing being a no-no for chemo either.

Thank you. I still don't see how you know whether or not me or my family have had cancer.
Or why you're coming for me in such a personal fashion.

I'm sorry, as I've said I've had major surgery years ago with long and complicated recovery and this stuff just seems so minor. Understandably the op is feeling very ill and her fury must be directed somewhere.

'We are mid to late 70s and until the cancer hit me were fit and active. Out for walks every day , cinema, theatre etc. We enjoyed regular weekends away and holidays in Scotland etc'

They seem to have had a close relationship prior to this so I'd focus on that and not on eggs.