To be quietly hating my husband

[4seasons]

I’ll try to keep it short. Married over 50 years , 2 adult children together. Recent major abdominal surgery for advanced ovarian cancer. Taking some time to get over this but doing ok. Had first chemo a week ago. Horrendous side effects. Last 2 days awful diarrhoea … I have a colostomy so makes life worse.
Am getting angrier and angrier with DH . Yes … he’s cooking our meals now but I did it without comment for years … including when there were 4 of us and I had a full time job .Whilst I was in the middle of a literal shit storm last night ( sorry if TMI) he was fannying around with a clip board writing down temperatures and times . Situation reversed I’d have rung for an ambulance for him but he seems very reluctant to do this . Perhaps I’m not “ ill enough yet “? Eventually he took himself off to bed ( own room ) as he was “ very tired “. I’ve been awake all night for obvious reasons and feel ill and exhausted. He’s still snoring away , nice and comfy.
I asked for an electrolyte replacement sachet yesterday. He got me blackcurrant ones … I’m allergic to blackcurrants. Got me an alternative which I took. I now see on the box it contains live bacteria … I am on chemo and not supposed to take it !!! So now I’m panicking about infection/ sepsis.
It all sounds horribly ungrateful but dear god …common sense, care. Surely it’s not too much to ask ? I’ve done it for years through his health issues.
Only a little thing , but enraging …Went downstairs ( I’ve bedbound for a few days ) …. he’s happily tucking in to a large roast lamb dinner with a glass of red . He looks irritated at my appearance and jumps up to reheat ( yes … REHEAT…. for a chemo patient) a piece of quiche for me. I didn’t realise it wasn’t freshly cooked . There just isn’t any thoughtful genuine care / concern is there ? Or am I just too ill to be rationale ??

I think he’s trying his best. You’re focusing on all negatives- he jumped up from his own meal to heat one for you. The wrong one perhaps but he did so.

I’m sorry for your bad news x

I agree.

. . and while we're on it - there is no actual blackcurrant in Dioralyte.

It's just synthetic flavouring. There is zero allergy risk.

Storm in a tea cup all this.

OP - your husband sounds lovely. He's roasted you a chicken today - enjoy it and I hope you get your full appetite back soon.

I'd be furious if he was out everyday playing golf, if the fridge was empty, if he was telling his dw to stop moaning but we've had none of that. Just offering the wrong food while quietly consuming his own

I'm not coming at you in a personal fashion, I'm just answering questions that you asked me!

I'm basing my assumptions about your experience of cancer/ chemo / looking after someone with cancer who's suffering badly during chemo, on what you've said in a number of posts.

Your diagnosis must have come as a huge shock to both of you.
You have been together for 50 years and in that time I suspect you have been the 'matriarch' of the family. It will take time and patience for you both to get used to the new normal. That you are the one who needs looked after now. Roles and responsibilities have changed and you're probably both feeling a bit 'lost'. But you will get through it together ❤️.

But I've not posted about chemo or lack of it? Sorry I don't feel great about your assumptions about me.

Okay.

Thank you. I see that now.

Perhaps I should have said, “No OP, you are not being unreasonable to be quietly hating your husband .” I just agreed with her but phrased it more bluntly. I think it is incredibly insensitive of you to report someone for hatefulness because they think her feelings are reasonable, feelings that have remained consistent throughout her posts. If by being in a dudgeon you meant she is angry, of course she is. If you used that word to be condescending and minimise her feelings then perhaps someone should report your post. I won’t because I want it to stay there for everyone to see how ridiculous it is.

'think it is incredibly insensitive of you to report someone for hatefulness because they think her feelings are reasonable'

You wouldn't have been reported because you think her feelings are reasonable. I'd imagine it's more to do with what you hoped would happen when he was next eating his dinner .

Hope you see from the number of responses, I suspect are a mixed bag, but none the less, the sisterhood got your back op

I think it's just human compassion. A lot of us have been there with cancer (either ourselves or loved ones) some way or other.

I'm the first to say men are useless pieces of shit but I know from personal experience how tough it is and it does sound like what he does do is not quite seen or acknowledged (eg wisely taking temps/times is seen as faffing around and only calling ambulance for hospital - which is not advisable for chemo patient mostly - is valid; jumping up to help her is seen as annoyance)... No doubt he can and must step up. But equally it's not so binary. We've screwed up badly as carers, and we've been unappreciated punching bags as carers. It's hard.

If he's always the first to clarify she's allergic to blackberries at restaurants, as OP says, I highly doubt he just decided not to give a fuck overnight.

And yet he still took a huge risk with her health….

Imagine a woman doing that to her dh, what do you think the answers would be?
That she is run diwn by caring responsibilities, poor her, HE needs to be more understanding?
Or how can she do that?!?

It’s totally possible to hold two truths at once
That being a carer is hard work
And that he is making her taking risks she didn’t need. That, by his actions, he has broken her trust.

The reality though is that he has been taking on the role of the carer for a short while, not years. And I doubt the OP is going to trust him again. Which means she is going to double and triple check what he is giving her.
She won’t ask for support because when she does, she has no answer or him dragging his feet. So she’ll deal with things as if she was in her own.

And that’s wo the fact after hearing how great her dh is, how hard it is for him etc.. she’ll now ALSO feel crap for actually expecting him to think and not make her life even harder than it is just now. And I really don’t think there’s any reason to make her feel guilty for asking what should be the bare minimum - not making things harder than they already are.

Now, I dint have cancer. But I have a VERY debilitating illness. And I can assure you that being with someone you can’t trust and you end up having to deal with everything as if you were on your own whilst still having to emotionally smooth over over for him is awful. Much harder work than being a carer. However hard it is to be a carer.

I really feel for you as I hear (daily!) from my own mum about my dad’s latest irritating behaviour. Other way round for them since he’s the unwell one and she’s resentful that he can no longer do the things he used to do. But I’m in my late 40s, don’t live near them, am a single parent with a very full on job, and I regularly go to see them to just… sort them out a bit. If you need help you need help. Ask your kids for help!

And yet he still took a huge risk with her health….

No, not a huge risk. This is a man in his late 70s who's out of his depth trying to care for his sick wife.

As someone else upthread has pointed out there's no actual blackcurrant in the rehydrating product he bought: it's a chemical flavouring that's never seen real fruit. And, as various of us who've looked after people who are having cancer treatment or are clinically vulnerable, it's not widely suggested that people can't eat eggs or reheated quiche. Hospitals serve reheated food. I've looked after three very sick people. Goodness knows what risks they ran in my hands.

'eg wisely taking temps/times is seen as faffing around'

Yes he's trying isn't he. Not just ignoring her and leaving her to it.

I know a serious diagnosis and treatment causes distress, anger, anxiety. Of course our loved ones get the brunt of it. I just hope after reading these posts the op may realises she has been a bit harsh.

So whether the ill person needing help, or the carer providing help, if you're male, you're the baddie?
It's OK for your mum to be irritated with your dad because he's unwell, but you have sympathy for the OP because she's the one unwell?
Honestly MN should just have a copy/paste response of 'OF COURSE YOURE NOT UNREASONABLE!!! LTB!! WHAT A USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!! Drain him from all his finances and make him leeeaavvve!!'

@4seasons when I looked after my mum with her cancer and the nausea after chemo I made ginger water for her to sip. I boiled the kettle and steeped slices of fresh ginger root in the tea pot. Sometimes she sipped it room temp, sometimes hot, sometimes chilled. Also, mixed with weak tea, sometimes plain or with a bit of lemon. It all depended on how she felt. It helped calm her nausea and helped keep her hydrated. It also helped with the diarrhea.

When she couldn't eat she forced down a spoonful of full fat Greek yoghurt throughout the day and after a couple days I made her protein shakes with protein powder, yoghurt, a tsp to tbsp of evoo, fruit of choice and a tsp of matcha powder. She'd sip it when she could to get the calories and nutrition.

Sending you wishes for better days ahead. 🩷

I'm glad you're feeling better today, OP 🌺

You seem generally content with the status quo and the limitations of DH, so I think I'll have to agree with your take that it's best not to dwell on it. He is what he is, and you're happy with that most of the time, so there's not much point complaining. It's your life at the end of the day, and if you're happy, that's all that matters.

My only suggestion would be that you seem to expect him to read your mind, and it might go better if you talked to him instead. Instead of wondering if he sensed your annoyance, you could tell him "it annoyed me that you only did ten minutes of hoovering". And see what he says. Instead of almost crying with food envy, you could tell him "I really appreciate you cooking me the chicken, but it's hard for me to hear about all the lovely food I can't eat right now. I miss my old life and I'm finding it upsetting I can't join in."

Giving him the opportunity to be there for you emotionally, has got to be better than silently resenting him.

OP I really feel for you and your situation and i send you my best wishes, but it sounds like you are nitpicking! As well as everything else you have mentioned you are now complaining about him 'performative' hoovering.. sounds like he can't do right from wrong!

I was told about his lunch .. nice ham , poached eggs , grilled tomatoes and he told me he’d got a chicken curry out of the freezer for his dinner !!!

Why can't you have any of that? You would just need to have hard boiled eggs instead of poached. And heat the curry up to 70 degrees.

@CaptainFuturei didn’t say I sympathised with my mum. I said she complains and I try to help BOTH my parents. Maybe try reading what’s actually written?

take it easy, it's not about food.

I really miss my old life

What was that?

you might be taught to be a selfish prick - but it’s still your choice to be a selfish prick.