To be quietly hating my husband

[4seasons]

I’ll try to keep it short. Married over 50 years , 2 adult children together. Recent major abdominal surgery for advanced ovarian cancer. Taking some time to get over this but doing ok. Had first chemo a week ago. Horrendous side effects. Last 2 days awful diarrhoea … I have a colostomy so makes life worse.
Am getting angrier and angrier with DH . Yes … he’s cooking our meals now but I did it without comment for years … including when there were 4 of us and I had a full time job .Whilst I was in the middle of a literal shit storm last night ( sorry if TMI) he was fannying around with a clip board writing down temperatures and times . Situation reversed I’d have rung for an ambulance for him but he seems very reluctant to do this . Perhaps I’m not “ ill enough yet “? Eventually he took himself off to bed ( own room ) as he was “ very tired “. I’ve been awake all night for obvious reasons and feel ill and exhausted. He’s still snoring away , nice and comfy.
I asked for an electrolyte replacement sachet yesterday. He got me blackcurrant ones … I’m allergic to blackcurrants. Got me an alternative which I took. I now see on the box it contains live bacteria … I am on chemo and not supposed to take it !!! So now I’m panicking about infection/ sepsis.
It all sounds horribly ungrateful but dear god …common sense, care. Surely it’s not too much to ask ? I’ve done it for years through his health issues.
Only a little thing , but enraging …Went downstairs ( I’ve bedbound for a few days ) …. he’s happily tucking in to a large roast lamb dinner with a glass of red . He looks irritated at my appearance and jumps up to reheat ( yes … REHEAT…. for a chemo patient) a piece of quiche for me. I didn’t realise it wasn’t freshly cooked . There just isn’t any thoughtful genuine care / concern is there ? Or am I just too ill to be rationale ??

Is he unable to find out these things? OP has managed to find them out. My DP knows my allergies because we are in a relationship and we take notice of these things. Why couldn’t he ask if she wanted the lamb dinner with him? I have HG, so nowhere near as ill as OP but my partner has actively found out what I can eat and when I’ve been unable to get out of bed he’s brought trays up for us to eat together. When he’s been unsure in the shop he’s sent me pictures of options.

But in order to 'look stuff up' you need to already KNOW that this needs looking up. I wouldn't have expected OPs DH to be Googling every single food item just in case she couldn't have it. Where would it stop? So if someone has told you that probiotics might be a problem - then you look it up. But if you don't know - why would you (I didn't know and I had a very close friend go through chemo. She never mentioned it once). So it's more a case of him not knowing what he doesn't know, if you see what I mean.

And I didn't know stew could dry out in a slow cooker and I've been using one for years. So there's that.

What a shit you are. Awful comment.

Tbf I'm not sure this is common advice even for cancer patients. Probiotics/eating things like yogurt (live bacteria) varies based on your dr's advice. And I've cared for a chemo patient who ate reheated food. I believe in hospital they also give you reheated food, not freshly cooked from scratch — reheated food is what OP would've been fed if her DH had her admitted to hospital like she wanted. I completely understand wanting / needing to be extra cautious though.

And you are the bastion of human kindness calling someone 'a shit' 🙄

He sounds like he's doing his best.

Most people would be incredibly glad to have an adult around to help them with food, going to get medicines etc.

If the OP is secretly hating her husband, maybe there is more to this than just the last 7 days dealing with chemo sickness.

I don't agree. Most women on here couldn't walk out into their back garden and put a new fuel tank in a Land Rover for example. They wouldn't know where to start and, crucially, probably wouldn't even attempt it. DH just did this a few days ago though.

We are wired differently.

Except he has been to all the appointments with the OP so will have been told that reheating/eggs etc… are a No Go???

Basically he was there but didn’t take anything in. Because he is so used to the OP managing everything that he didn’t feel he needed to remember. He never thought ‘oh I’m going to be the one cooking fur a while so I need to be careful for @4seasons’
I think it’s not dissimilar to fathers who never wake up at night when a baby/toddler cries because they think it’s not their role (or they know mum will get up anyway).

Same with taking decision about calling an ambulance etc… If he never had to take responsibility around health issues (I mean some men dint even make their own GP appointments), he usnt Gping to be able to take decision or even advise the OP.

That’s what you get with incompetent men. And I get with the OP is furious tbh. A life spent caring for him and the dcs with little thanks ‘because it’s normal right?’ And no one to properly support her when she actually needs it. It’s shit.

OP, you've said:
All this chemo business is new to us both . It’s scary … but I suppose I expected him to be more on top of things as the one who wasn’t ill and going through all this rubbish.

I think you've answered your own question. I nursed my mum through the last six months of her life: bowel cancer, ileostomy/ stoma and then endless fistulas opening up and leaking. Nasty, smelly, deeply distressing symptoms for her, and me, to deal with. I didn't imagine the last few months of my mum's life would involve me dealing with literally breath-taking faecal discharge and having to change her sheets three times a day with a smile and a 'don't worry, Mum, we'll get this sorted'. All the while terrified (what was going to happen next? how much more horrible could this get? is this symptom or that development normal or is it 999 time?, how long was I going to have to keep going?) while grieving for the lovely mum I was going to lose.

None of us can ever be prepared for any of this. Despite having home-nursed three cancer patients (Mum, a friend and an elderly aunt) so far, I had no idea that you couldn't reheat a quiche for them.

I know you're going through hell, and I wish you the best, but go easy on him. I'm really pleased to hear that he made himself a roast lamb dinner and had a glass of wine because I know how grim it can be to be the carer and how little pleasures can make all the difference. I presume if you were able to eat a roast lamb dinner he'd have served it on a tray for you. He's likely to be in his 70s; you've been married for 50 years and have got into your roles. He's having to learn an awful lot and as you yourself say it's all new and you're both frightened and anxious. How about telling him how scared you are rather than expressing it through anger?

In the case of my mum and another elderly relative neither the MacMillan or Marie Curie services were the slightest help because I and my sister (we took turns looking after mum) were deemed capable — even though we both had full-time jobs. I would have thought that at your ages, and in the circumstances, you might find it easier to get some home support. Could you use Attendance Allowance or similar to buy in some qualified assistance? I know you're having a terrible time, but I assure you he is too. Just a different sort of terrible.

Good luck: I hope in six months' time you'll be able to look back on this as the low-point in your recovery.

Because men can put a new fuel tank in a car?!? That’s news to me. Very few people now change the oil in their car or the air filter etc… I doubt they’ve been changing a fuel tank 😁😁

Most men are just as ‘incapable’ for DIY stuff these days than women.

His "best" is pretty crap, then isn't it?

Except he has been to all the appointments with the OP so will have been told that reheating/eggs etc… are a No Go???

Except he probably hasn't heard this, because they're not a no-go.

But many other people here have said they've been in the same position and ALSO had no idea about what you could or couldn't do food wise? So it's not unique to OPs DH, were they also not listening? Or were they trying to take in so much new information all in one go, being expected to retain and remember whilst being quietly terrified about the future?

@Pluvia the difference is that you stepped in though. You didn’t do stuff that would put your mum life in danger.

No one is saying that caring for someone who is seriously ill is easy.
But it’s also fucking hard to be the one who is ill and wondering how you’ll cope with the next chemo, if it will work etc… wo also having to triple check what your dh is giving you to eat/drink. I mean he gave her blackcurrant flavour electrolytes to someone ALLERGIC to blackcurrants!

The problem isn’t that he is finding it hard. Thats normal.
It’s the fact he is doing dangerous things for her health. That’s not normal,

Realistic, but yeah! Shocking that they don't step up when needed.

So how do you think the OP knows unless she has been told??

How do you explain he gave her stuff she is allergic to? The blackcurrant drink. That’s nothing to do with cancer right?

And btw, the role of the person accompanying the one who is ill IS to retain all that information so they can remind/tell the person who is ill what’s going on.

Sorry for what you’re going through but I think you’re being unfair to your husband who is trying his best.

I probably did do things that made my mum's final months worse — I just didn't know it. I'm sure at one point I gave her something (something to do with controlling stomach acid) that she shouldn't have had, and which made things worse. I'm not a nurse and neither is OP's husband.

OP is clearly on top of the current guidance for her condition and able to express herself, and she's online. Perhaps googling for the best hydration product, for example, and asking him to buy that particular one would help. I've certainly gone to the pharmacy for something for a neighbour before now and ended up buying the wrong thing because it wasn't clear which of several alternatives was needed.

Quietly hating him… I’d be loudly hating.

If you love someone you get your finger out your arse and learn how to care for them to the highest possible specification. When my mum had to have radiotherapy my dad came round and helped me care for her. They’ve been divorced 20 years but he actually cares because she’s the mother of his children. Men are capable of care, there’s male nurses, male care workers, and just run of the mill men who care for sick people in their family.

He sounds clumsy and a bit clueless, but not an evil person. Just someone who is struggling.
You sound tetchy and spiky, but also not an evil person. Just someone who is ill, struggling and lashing out.

You need each other now more than ever. You are both terrified. You are both in uncharted territory.

@Pluvia is talking a lot of sense.

He roasted a joint of lamb to eat all for himself? And all the trimmings? Then offered you manky quiche?
That is bang out of order!

@SaintAgatha totally agree. I am having cancer treatment… I’m a very pragmatic and independent person but in the midst of feeling poorly you just don’t need the emotional wrangling on top of it.

This. ^

I am sorry you're going through a really tough time @4seasons but I think YABU (a bit!) Men by their very design, and upbringing, don't have many 'caring' genes, and they are not used to putting others before themelves. Your DH has had a lifetime of being waited on hand and foot by women - you for 50 years and his mother for I presume for some 20-25 years before that - and it's a massive wrench for him to not be the one who is having everything done for him. (And to actually have to be doing something for someone else!)

Add in the fact that he is clearly well into his mid 70s, (or older) so will be tired and weary and exhausted himself. Caring for someone ill or infirm is a hard task. We all say 'til death do us part' in our marriage vows (most do anyway!) but it should be changed to 'til severe illness do us part,' because the truth is that most people don't want to look after an ill and infirm person (even if it's their spouse,) especially if they're getting on in years (70+) and some people physically and mentally can't. Because frankly it's really hard work, and you don't know when it's going to stop. Same with caring for elderly parents.

As I say, I'm sorry you're having a tough time, but I think you need to cut him some slack.

I think what you're going through is amplifying all your emotions. If it's taken you five decades to get here, your marriage really must be worth saving..Sorry I have no good advice other than to continue to express your feelings and hopefully he will become more caring before long. Concentrate on the light at the end of the tunnel if you can, for now..best wishes.

@CaptainFuture What on earth does "they're flavour not flavour" mean? That makes no sense.

The carer must not eat a proper meal.
The carer must eat the same as the patient.
Eating proper food is outrageous.
Stone him.