To be quietly hating my husband

[4seasons]

I’ll try to keep it short. Married over 50 years , 2 adult children together. Recent major abdominal surgery for advanced ovarian cancer. Taking some time to get over this but doing ok. Had first chemo a week ago. Horrendous side effects. Last 2 days awful diarrhoea … I have a colostomy so makes life worse.
Am getting angrier and angrier with DH . Yes … he’s cooking our meals now but I did it without comment for years … including when there were 4 of us and I had a full time job .Whilst I was in the middle of a literal shit storm last night ( sorry if TMI) he was fannying around with a clip board writing down temperatures and times . Situation reversed I’d have rung for an ambulance for him but he seems very reluctant to do this . Perhaps I’m not “ ill enough yet “? Eventually he took himself off to bed ( own room ) as he was “ very tired “. I’ve been awake all night for obvious reasons and feel ill and exhausted. He’s still snoring away , nice and comfy.
I asked for an electrolyte replacement sachet yesterday. He got me blackcurrant ones … I’m allergic to blackcurrants. Got me an alternative which I took. I now see on the box it contains live bacteria … I am on chemo and not supposed to take it !!! So now I’m panicking about infection/ sepsis.
It all sounds horribly ungrateful but dear god …common sense, care. Surely it’s not too much to ask ? I’ve done it for years through his health issues.
Only a little thing , but enraging …Went downstairs ( I’ve bedbound for a few days ) …. he’s happily tucking in to a large roast lamb dinner with a glass of red . He looks irritated at my appearance and jumps up to reheat ( yes … REHEAT…. for a chemo patient) a piece of quiche for me. I didn’t realise it wasn’t freshly cooked . There just isn’t any thoughtful genuine care / concern is there ? Or am I just too ill to be rationale ??

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. Honestly, he sounds thoughtless and lazy. I’d be very upset and frustrated in your shoes, you shouldn’t have to ask him to do anything, he should be on top of it.

The bar is set so low for men.

Spell it out for him that in order for you to rest and recover, you can’t micromanage him and he needs to make much more of an effort to care for you.

@pimplebum But OP isn’t your best friend and she’s very unwell.

Your comments were massively unacceptable to a stranger on the internet who is poorly and struggling.

Choose your words carefully.

' I now see on the box it contains live bacteria … I am on chemo and not supposed to take it !!! So now I’m panicking about infection/ sepsis.'

I have been neutropenic in the past so can understand the worry. However, those bacteria will probably be in your gut anyway so you will hopefully be ok. Not sure why a electrolyte would contain bacteria seems odd. Its understandable to annoyed with DH but you really wouldn't expect them to contain it. Try Hi5 electrolyte they are good and come in tablets to dissolve.

Watch out for any temperature's if you have a temperature which come back after paracetamol call the hospital.

Good luck remember the chemo is there to make you better.as my consultant said tough times but you will get there

Here speaketh a person who has never cared for someone who has has had major abdominal surgery / bowel / digestion issues.

Op I am sorry you are going through this. I presume he is trying his best but perhaps it’s not good enough. As it sounds like you have always done the shopping/cooking etc. I would try for the house keeper if you can although you shouldn’t have to! I can imagine how frustrating this is and at this point you must just want to be looked after. Have you any friends that can get some of the sachets you need? Or could dh do an online shop and check with you before he orders.

Buy in help.

He also seems reluctant to say what he thinks. I asked about cancelling an appointment I had ( a home visit .. sort of medical )…. hoping for advice … but just got “
It must be your decision “.

The 'not saying what he thinks' is quite telling, it sounds like he's scared of saying/doing the wrong thing so is freezing in decisions when it comes to your care, maybe there is an element of history in that or maybe he is so used to you making your own decisions he genuinely just doesn't know what to do.

I'm an extremely pro-active person and my DH relies on that too much at times, he has got used to me always knowing what to do and having the confidence to do it, where as he isn't as confident at making decision and following them through when left to his own devices, it's my fault as much as his to be honest, we work so well as a team and he can totally hold his own when it comes to childcare and running the house by himself, but actively caring for and crucially, knowing what the best thing to do for another person who needs help would be terrifying for him.

I'm so sorry you are so ill, I hope you manage to work out a way of getting through it together, you need each other, he's most likely as scared, angry and frustrated as you are but he's purposely not showing it, it may come across as not caring enough, or not feeling enough, or not doing enough, but that may not be a true reflection at all.

Why couldn’t he ask if she wanted the lamb dinner with him?

Where has she said he didn't ask if she'd like a roast dinner? OP's recently had major surgery, probably involving her colon and / or bowel. She's had terrible diarrhoea. In many cases people are advised to maintain a light or low fibre diet during recovery. Every patient is different and what they fancy eating can change on a sixpence: I was recently asked to take halloumi and chips into hospital where a friend was having radiotherapy after cervical cancer. It took me 40 minutes to find a takeaway open and able to provide it, but when I arrived the desire had passed and so someone on the staff took it away (and, I hope, ate it).

I highly doubt OP would have been capable of eating a meal like that. And I doubt he made it and told her categorically she couldn't have any if she did want it/was able to have it.

Interesting the inability to retain detail....unless of course it is of enormous importance to the male. Seem to be able to turn it off and on perhaps?

I've just noticed that OP posted at some length earlier today and included this:

As for the lamb dinner ( cold lamb from a previous roast ) and glass of wine … I knew he was having that and was happy for him to have a decent meal . But … he’d said to come downstairs when I fancied something to eat , so I did !! I didn’t know he’d started his dinner.

I'm glad the indignation has subsided, OP, and that things don't seem so bad today. Sounds as if you're feeling a little better. Here's hoping that if the next round of chemo leaves you feeling this bad again, you and your DH will have learned from the last few days and are prepared with a stock of appropriate hydration tablets and appropriate food in the fridge and any other useful paraphernalia. Good luck to you both.

I can't believe the posters saying ...'aww poor thing perhaps he doesn't understand you are immunocompromised' 🙈...he is utterly failing as an adult if he doesn't understand that for someone going through chemo they have to avoid so many risks of infection, it's basic.

Really sorry you are having to manage your own care support whilst being ill. 💐💐Its dreadfully unfair and all the apologists for a lazy man ...make me despair

OP please can you let us know your ages. And let us know where your children are in all this?

Do you understand how under pressure services are? There will be no support available for someone in this scenario.

Correct.

Sorry you are going through this hell OP. I’m also on chemo for sarcoma cancer and it’s fucking horrific. The fear, the frustration, the anger; all these emotions will be running high as this diagnosis details both your lives.

You will need to make it clear what you want and need food and drink wise as I’m sure things will change from hour to hour. He’s probably doing his best. If your temp is up, just call your cancer hotline for advice; that’s what I do. I wasn’t aware of reheating food being a no, but it’s important to be safe obviously.

Can your adult children help out at all? It’s an incredibly stressful time for all.

How is your relationship generally?

Many of the 'rules' around what is safe to eat for patients undergoing chemo is similar to pregnant women. Also, chemo kills all the good gut bacteria, so diarrhoea, terrible wind and other related gastric issues are pretty much a certainty. The type of chemo OP is having also kills all the rapidly growing cells in her oesophagus, so acid reflux is a certainty. Hopefully lansoprazole has been prescribed.

@4seasons Drink as much water during the infusion itself as possible, and for the rest of the first 48 hours of each chemo cycle. This will help your gut. Also, ask for a better anti-sickness tablet, I found the one of the ones I was given made me unwell, but ondansetron was better. I also refused steroids. This alone made my stomach so much better. Due to this, was also prescribed levomeprmazine which helped me sleep through the worst of the first week's chemo cycle.

Sadly, your husband doesn't really know how to cope with things, but at the same times, not many people really know what to deal with someone else undergoing chemo. Tbh, taking note of your temperature during the first few days of chemo is the most effective thing to do because in all likelihood, you don't need to rush to hospital due to chemo after effects.

I was somewhat lucky inasmuch as I underwent chemo when I was single, living alone and had to take responsibility for myself. I had a much better time keeping myself in check than another friend whose partner was an absolute pig to her during this time. Try to remember, your husband is trying, particularly in terms of cooking for you. Spell out what you can and cannot eat. You really can't expect anyone to know this. I know when I was in a similar position, I was very clear to those who wanted to help me what I was allowed and what I wanted, and what I did not. Ultimately, you need to rest and not be stressed. You have to tell your husband what you need from him at this time. Unfortunately, you can't rely on anyone to know what you want or need.

Wishing you well for the rest of your treatment and recovery.

I don't think we're wired differently as I know lots of women great with their hands and men great at cooking, tidying, etc... You're probably an old person or not from a very good background. But I do agree that we're socialised differently certainly, especially couples of OP's age

I feel for you, OP. But I would say, this is why you don't marry a fixer-upper and spend the rest of your marriage 'knocking him into shape'. I know women married to men like this, and it's all fine and dandy complaining about their uselessness and enjoying being 'the competent one' in the marriage. Until something goes wrong, and they suddenly need him to be competent.

I'm not trying to come for you at a time when you already feel terrible. But the fact is, you've spent fifty years tolerating the bumbling inefficiency of this man. And now you're expecting him to do a complete 180, because you've been diagnosed with cancer. It would be nice if this was the wake-up call that stopped him being so lazy, and he stepped up to become a better husband. But he's had five decades of positive reinforcement for his uselessness. If he wasn't the sort of man who could remember basics like "my wife is allergic to blackcurrants" before, he's not going to change now.

He probably is trying, is the sad thing. The problem is, the bar has been set so low his whole life, that he probably thinks he deserves a medal for his current efforts. And doesn't realise they're nowhere near where they need to be, actually. I think your only hope is to have a family friend, or your adult children, tell him as much. He'll be more likely to believe an outsider, and can't dismiss them as being grumpy from chemo.

'You're probably and old person or not from a very good background'

😂😂😂😂

@4seasons forgot to say, please do speak to your team re: side effects. They can help with sickness/ diarrhoea etc. Don’t suffer in silence, it’s hard enough as it is.

I am actually interested in whether the no reheated food rule is real or just assumed. Not as an unkind gotcha or anything. But because I've never heard that about chemo patients. Even if hospital they serve them reheated food!

No, he didn't. It was a slice of cold lamb from a previous roast.

I wonder, OP, if you are more specific with him he will do better?
Can you give him a very specific list of foods etc that you can have and might tolerate?
Tell him you need him to be more available to you and what you want him to do should certain scenarios arise?
I know it's shit and you shouldn't have to.
You sound lovely and that you've been the anchor in your family. 💪
Cancer fucking sucks. You deserve every kindness and gentle and loving care. Sending you a handhold during this brutal and scary time. 🩷

To all those saying he isn't doing this deliberately ! or that he is "doing his best" - that's not the point. The point is that OP needs proper care and isn't getting it. Also she needs proper emotional care and isn't getting it. Stop making excuses for him and men like him. Having said that, vent on here OP then let the anger and stress go as much as you can.